This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Easy A Featurette Official (HD)

Cheesy film, I know, but I don't know that anyone will ever quite get what it meant to me in many different ways. Sure, my own indiscretions weren't all lie, but they certainly were blown out of proportion by some, and I've had the feeling my entire life... plus, I just love the parents and think they are really cool- real, funny... *sigh* I could write a blog about it, but why? At least here and now...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Love and Judgment?

Was recently asked if I think I've followed my beliefs- have I exuded the love I deem most important? Due to my nature (& the nature of the asker), it was difficult to answer positively, though I believe I have. Mistakes should not define us with no regard to our heart & the actions following.

But what do you say when being asked by one who will (likely) forever only see your mistakes, and look at you through a veil of hurt, anger, & judgment- opposite traits to their own beliefs should they really dig inside themselves to see that, without becoming accusing & battering them with a truth they are not equipped to hear? I see full well what I have done, and choose to move forward from this moment on. But, even if they have tried to play Holy Ghost/conscience in my life and beat me up with what I have done wrong, I will not do the same. It's not my place. Nor is it as meaningful a lesson learned when you do not learn it first hand.

Doing my best not to focus on how they hurt me, exacting their own revenge, yet talking themselves out of realizing that by calling it the "natural consequences" of my decisions... I've said it before and I will say it again, they cease to be natural the moment you set your hand to it. They also had the choice to react and continue to make (IMO) the wrong one, justifying themselves... I hope and I pray...

...And wonder silently to myself if my musings aloud are a form of gossip even without the detail? *sigh*... I am learning and trying like the rest of you...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Against Lies (esp. to children under the guise of "sparing them')

"The accelerated velocity of terminological inexactitude" (one of “Easy A”'s Facebook quotes of the day) fits well with my some of my thoughts today (and translates to "the speed of a rumor or lie", btw). I have been amazed at how certain things said about me spread. I do not maintain full innocence, nor full guilt, but few know everything...

Enter, again, my favorite band, TSO. “Still it's been rumored this thing must be/Why is then that you act surprised... And now you claim you are not prepared...See it rising/stare and wonder/Hear it beckon/You to dance/Feel it hold you/Take you under/I'm your god of second chance”- Mephistopheles

Yes, I know this song is really about something else entirely, yet deals with the "do we forget & erase it/pretend it never was or take the good with the bad?" question our families are currently facing... I am frustrated with hearing one person say that because of the heartache of this world, it would be better that the children had not existed (at least, this is how it sounded). No, the world is far from easy, and I wish I could take back the negative effects of mistakes I have made, but I refuse to adopt the idea that any of my children are a mistake- for me, this includes ALL of the kids: the boys from my marriage to Colin, the girls from Ray's marriage to Janet, and Coda, who will receive the brunt of it all for being the “bastard son of a peasant” if you will (“Ever After”).

I more than anyone understand the desire to save my children from the heartache of the world, and erase all the bad that happened in my past, and I don't want them growing up thinking I was ever right for how I entered into my current relationship, but having a "why?" child as obsessed with the truth as I makes everything so much easier... my decision to give my children the truth, at least. And the truth is, I want to spare them, yet I refuse to shelter them to the degree I was sheltered as a child because I now see there was more harm than good, keeping them from reality. This does not spare them heartache, but in the end creates more.

I do not wish to lie to them and send the wrong message of the world just because stuff isn't convenient any more than I want them to think I never make mistakes and neither will they... I want them to understand the devastation mistakes bring, but not leave them wallowing in hopelessness either. Life is messy and painful BUT life can be beautiful, and grace is the greatest lesson they can ever learn. Forgiveness and love are what I wish for them to come away with in the end. "After the rain, we can look to the sky again." New life AFTER the pain means a million times more than a life without pain. I am experiencing a 2nd chance I had once given up on, and no, it didn't happen the greatest way, but I see what it's being made into, and what it could yet be, and really wish I could shout the possibilities to the world and have them understand this marvelous feeling of grace.

But we are all in different places yet. I have had years of heartache to bring me to this point and I do not envy others the journey they must take if they want to come to this point as well, and I DO regret that I unwittingly played a part in exacting the pain upon them. This is part of which is untrue- that I had intention of causing pain, and do not care for anyone now. I made mistakes. I can't take them back, but I also refuse to wallow in misery and find everything broken beyond all repair. I know that we will all come out stronger in the end if we offer all this pain up to the real God of second chances & to the realization that lies and masks will not take us there, though they seem to make it all temporarily better. Love and Truth are the only things that will change us if we let them (and to me, God is both... He is “not tame, but He is good.”)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Personalities & Mediators; My Thoughts on Today

AKA: "Yes, I Will Be Nice and Remove the Barrage of Status Updates, Turning Them Instead Into an Insanely Long Blog"

Ok, I'm honest, but that doesn't mean I'm never reserved either. It's difficult to say some of the things in my heart, no matter how passionate I feel about them when I encounter people of certain personalities. Especially when all I wanna do is cry... Usually, it's just confrontational, but right now, I'm thinking also other personalities in general. I have many passions and beliefs I wish to get across, but will avoid them and attach to the things we have in common to promote peace, and avoid confrontation & tears.

I am learning all this, the more that I deal with people of other personality types, rather than avoid them altogether... For instance, today meant sitting down with Ray's ex so that we could get to know one another as it is now obvious, we are meant to be a permanent part of each other's lives. For her, she needs to know that she can trust me to be around/care for her children. For me, I'm wishing to apologize and explain- if nothing else, how much I want to be a part of their lives, not from guilt (though there certainly is that; I am not heartless) but because I'm thoroughly enamored with them.

This is something that is not easily understood. I do not “know” them, how could I love them? How does a mother love the child she has never seen, before she even feels the first kick within the womb? For me, it was much the same as that, and much as I felt a kinship with Ray from the very beginning, much as I completely gravitate toward people with certain personalities and make them my instant families/best friends, etc. If this is not enough, they are girls- which I have always longed to give birth to girls of my own (a journey of which can be better understood through my “Mom of Men” blog). They are his, a part of him, and I love him. Their personalities, much like Ray's mirrors mine, echoes the personalities of my own children. I would think that all of this combined could offer an explanation to those which would require it.

In any case feel I failed in making these points, only because they weren't really brought up. Between her questions and her personality, I felt it best to put them aside for the time being rather than scream, “I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTERS, PLEEEEASE LET ME SPEND TIME WITH THEM!” This does not mean my heart stops screaming it. And I am respecting her decisions as their mother, though I do not agree with what is thought to be best in all instances, and my heart breaks at half the words. I also know that if I said all I wished to, I would end up collapsing in a heap of tears, with the flood of emotions that constantly assaults me, particularly on this matter. I merely sat, latching onto and expounding those things which we have in common, answered what I could, and attempted to explain some things Ray has lamented to me his inability to communicate as well as his personality, of which I share much. It became obvious in the course of all this that much of what I watched them blame each other for stemmed from these personality conflicts. It is insanely difficult, in my experience, to not make assumptions so that hearts be known, and lives lived peacefully, yet not impossible.

I got to thinking about this again later in the evening, when my parents were to meet me with the boys at a walk-through nativity. Long story short, they got so lost, they couldn't even tell me where they were so that I could have an idea how to direct them. I expressed the desire to attach a tracking device to their vehicle that I could find them, and realized, the concept kinda works toward the personality issue as well. I feel there needs to be some sort of mediator between personalities that can successfully interpret both and help steer them toward each other.

As for my own personality, which Ray shares, I daresay not even many of the professionals seem capable of assessing us. The more we talked, the more I saw this, and realized it wasn't just me! This also helps me to see that I am not what is perceived, which I already know, yet tend to lose sight of when around the more aggressive, authoratative or self-sufficient types such as my mother, my last boss, or this woman. Everyone thinks they know each other, us especially because we rarely stand up to say otherwise. I am not typically this vocal in a general audience or when addressing these various personality types, which makes me grateful for blogs where I don't have to directly address any specific type and can thus simply be myself, throw caution to the wind and edit as I speak all at once, with no chance to be caught off guard. Granted, the latter part does not happen when social networking because twitter especially becomes more my venting/thinking ground and the thoughts are rarely fully developed and often highly emotional, causing me to appear irrational and ignorant. The silence-as-a-defense-mechanism/peacekeeper-approach also lends to these misconceptions.

I come across as ignorant, fearful, slothful, negative.
The other personalities tend to come off as judgmental, pushy & -strangely- also negative.
The negatives differ, yet both are based on being realistic. Realism often leads to a depressed attitude and talking through the emotions to find a positive side with myself. I always come around, but as the process repeats with every new situation, I appear constantly depressed, particularly when the emotion or silence are the only things expressed. The other is an almost careless "well, what's broken is broken and nothing can fix it" mentality that I don't fully understand. They are looking for solutions, but when they don't find the one they are looking for, they often appear to give up hope and give into the reality as a finality.

I know that neither perception is entirely true. Partly? Certainly, yet the whole story remains untold in the conflict. Assumptions are made. Lives are broken in ways that can be avoided with a little, uncomfortable effort. But who wants to get out of their comfort zone?

All I can offer up for now is this: silence does not equal intimidation or disinterest, but rather a peacekeeper attitude when addressing a more aggressive personality. I can mostly understand others, but rarely make myself understood, the biggest flaw of this personality. As an honest person though, ask, and I shall reveal the answer if the answer is mine to give. And as an artist... well, I'm trying to understand, but must admit, I hold too much hope to be as negative as I know I can appear.

As I used to always say: I am the Master's pieces, broken, but beautiful. In His hands, I know that I can become a masterpiece, whatever else it may be that I have been.

I'm looking for the stained-glass window that my dreamer side insists is a possibility. The vase that was may be broken, but as an artist, I see that this does not need to be the end of all beauty. I wish to know life as it is, but also for it's possibilities. Something was lost, yes, but WE CHOOSE to toss everything away... or be made new. Which is where my heartbreak and our disagreements came in. I will not say what words were exchanged, for that is between us, yet I feel that she has not seen much light at the end of this tunnel I unwittingly shoved her and the girls into, yet she far from lacks determination to move on. We are simply in different places in the process and approaching it from different angles. Having to learn to be patient in this time and stay away when asked are my punishment, though I feel it adds more unfairness to the innocents involved in the situation rather than spares them more heartache. Bearing it silently, and hoping & praying for the stained-glass of these new heartaches to be forged in time are all that I can do.

I also leave you with this challenge, born a bit from the classic cliché you are certain to recognize within: When life hands you lemons, do you merely juggle the lemons or flavor your life that you may savor what remains rather than focus on what does not? The choice is yours.

Friday, October 22, 2010

My Reason For Living

Why do they take from me my only reason for living? Every breath I breathe, every moment I put myself through this torture is so that I can spend those few, precious moments with them, and yet they take those from me. I have no other reason to exist but them. Every man has failed me, every "friend" that accepted me when I was stupid fell away when I stopped acting like them, leaving me very much alone. For my boys, and the girls I've seen only twice yet love with all my heart, for my child yet unborn, I would give my everything. But I don't get to do that. I have to pay penance constructed by mere mortals with no shred of God, of love, within them. I am not who I once was, yet for those I wish would accept me now and accept that I am being made new, all that will ever be seen is my old. And for those who I wished could still be there, though we are no longer the same, I am no one if I am not who they wish I could be. And they all have the power to take my only joys from me. Tonight, it is difficult to see a point to continuing.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Whoever was wrong...

I really gotta say, it looks bad for all of them from my angle...

Friend A APPEARS to have distributed unfounded information. Makes me question other accusations and research I have received from this person.

Friend B... well... it was a little public before facts and could use an apology, at least unless further proof can be made. Makes me wonder if I could be next.

Friend C is now covering his butt all over the internet, which makes his statements to me sound... well, like a cover-up to a friend. Makes me feel lied to. I already know some of his dirtiest little secrets, so I know what he's capable of.

Friend D... well, if there really WAS a hack attack against Friend C (I'm not sure who to believe so I don't know)... let's just say he has the know-how and believes Friend A and Friend B so wholeheartedly that I would think he would do it out of courtesy, not ill will or intent to do something illegal, which is still pretty bad I guess. Makes me feel I no longer know who he is.

I don't say this to accuse anyone of anything that APPEARS to be going on (Friend B, regardless of where she got her information cannot deny that she did what she did as proof, last I checked, still existed in full public view. Doubt she cares anyway. Who cares about anyone or anything going against their own personal agenda?). I merely say this because I am frustrated and confused still. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm trying to give them all the benefit of the doubt, but my heart isn't sure how much of this it can take. Why everything feels so personal, I don't think I will ever understand. Things certainly never felt this way before last year (at least not all the time!), and recently it feels that every bit of progress I had made in this area has disappeared. I'm trying oh so hard. But there is no trust left in me. I give more chances, but I think I'm always secretly waiting to be let down again. I hand my heart over just to cringe as I do.
I sob behind closed doors and vent less than I used to (though many think I vent more, when really I vent more about the things that matter less to my heart because I'm tired of these feelings which only get dismissed). I mean who wants to hear about me crying for my lost husband? I'm supposedly the reason he is gone, so I asked for it. Who wants to hear about me feeling betrayed? It's all my fault for internalizing everything. I'm broken. And there is no one who can fix me. I'm broken, and I don't feel anyone thinks I'm worth fixing, and sometimes... I'm not sure I am either. I can't even trust myself. I fear the breaking point coming in which I will tell every dirty little secret I know. I will lose the world if I do. I wouldn't do it because I'm any better, but sometimes I wanna remind my friends of their own humanity and how it has hurt me. I don't wanna become that person. Oh dear God in Heaven, save me!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Unsure what to do

Again I find myself caught between friends... I had such a beautifully brilliant blog written about this already, but my blackberry decided to crash and burn moments before sending so this is gonna have to be the short version. Friend A, a new friend appears to have accused Friend C of impersonation to Friend B. This has led to Friend B making those accusations public without the slightest idea of what damage would ensue to Friend C's very public (and private) life. I cannot actually accuse friend A as I have no facts and unlike friend B would not dream of exacting unknown damage for the sake of a rumor. Lots of innocent people have been hurt- hacked, emotional distress from a PTSD-sufferer and an impressionable child as well as damage to reputation- when all Friend C wanted to do was help. Furthermore, no retraction, apology, removal of accusation nor attempt to reach out to Friend c has been made though Friend C has been working feverishly to contact Friend B and clear his reputation both. I do not wish to cause any further damage, but feel this great wrong needs to be righted. It casts dark shadows upon many friendships- current and future- and upon the stories and research Friend A typically appears to put into said stories. I know that someone is lying in this, but have no idea who. I don't know where to begin to help. I feel so lost and really wish people would take better consideration of the consequences they could cause by even the most seemingly simple words and actions. I feel we are all adults and these wrongs should not have to be pointed out. I am incredibly hurt because Friend C and yet another friend loosely involved are both two of incredibly few close friends that I have left standing and I fear so much... losing more especially. This last part seems selfish, but really, this is what keeps me from knowing what I could do, I feel. I don't know who to ask about things and who should I trust over who. I hate that I feel forced to choose. I don't know how to even approach certain people- especially those I know the least... and am desperately tired of this tangled web that has sprouted from my years of involvement with the ministry I know every single one of these friends from.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Looking for love in a loveless world

Would anyone truly care if I were found with a dagger through my heart? I think not. When I become the bad person for reporting crimes... And it's a constant he said-she said, and even with the truth on my side, I never win. Only lose. Only hurt. Only discover I'm surrounded by self-serving idiots who take pleasure in my destruction, and always, it was someone who once called me friend and swore to defend me to the end.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Do I...

...really, truly believe I am scum, I am responsible for all those who have used me then turned things on me, etc? No. But I believe people think it. I believe people feel I am only as good as what I can be used for. If I can no longer be used, I get discarded. Dismissed. Sometimes I wonder that maybe they're right. But I know the truth, regardless of what people see, or think.
Am I absolutely innocent? None of us are- a fact very lost on a self-righteous people. Yes, I have pursued married men before. Or at least one married man. This was in a period of my life where I'd stopped caring. I've been through a few of those in my lifetime. I was edging back into another when I met Ray. I lost my virginity during one.
I am a bona fide sex addict, I will not deny that. And the users... Well, I am convinced they smell your weaknesses, without you ever breathing a word or approaching. And I was so trusting before that I would allow people to get close to me, somehow thinking they wouldn't hurt me, even though I'd get the warnings from within. You're supposed to be able to trust friends you've known for 10 years from a ministry. You're supposed to be able to trust the man you married to fulfill the promises he made. What is supposed to be, rarely is. Life has taught me this.
The church that is supposed to love turns millions away daily for their lack of this trait. The church that is not supposed to judge, does nothing but.
Thankfully, my acceptance at the church I've been attending these past 20 months, despite my faults being known, has helped me to believe there is some hope in this world. I feel only one has truly judged me... maybe two, as one of Ray's uncles attends and does not feel keen to accept me, regardless of his own past. Out of hundreds. Whereas in other churches, only 1 or 2 accepted me, out of hundreds. Even without knowing my failures. I feel that here, I have a chance to grow, to return to who I should be once again.
If only I'm allowed to stay here. It's been a crazy week. Long story short, I need to find a new place in a hurry because my landlord is being horribly discriminatory. And on top of that, I found out I am pregnant so I know people's opinions are only gonna get worse now. I didn't want a child to face this fate, and prayed that God alone would know. "Lord, I desperately desire a child. You know this, but why now? The timing looks so wrong. Nevertheless, I will let You who sees the whole picture decide what the best timing is." And He said yes, now. I'm scared, I'm excited. I don't know what to feel or where to turn. But know that regardless of man, regardless of my sins and failures, my God is still God, and He still holds me in the palm of His hand...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

No, I don't believe...

...people can believe I never asked for a lot of what I've been through. If only I had the strength to run... But I trust too much in the goodness of mankind, even when I haven't seen it and the hope seems my downfall. Guards get lowered... Justifications get made... Trouble might find me, but I don't always run when it does. And in that, I guess I become guilty, eventually...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I don't think it's fair

... that people are full of assumptions about my character. Have I always been pure? No. This does not mean, however, that if a married man took notice of me, that I pursued him. Unfortunately for me, I've always attracted jerks and married men. One such man attends my church.
The long story short was that I worked on a worship team with him. I was attracted to him, yes. He is an older man (I've always loved older men, dating one 18 1/2 & another over 30 years older), a musician (as a musician, I tend to fall for them!), and has a darling accent that reminded me of my first love. I shrugged it aside though, knowing he was a very happily married man. It did not help that hearing him rant and rave about the girl whose place I essentially took led me to believe he had a thing for her and I figured if he was gonna risk anything with his wife, it would be with this girl. With some stuff I know about them both, I wouldn't assume they have already done something, yet wouldn't be surprised either. I mean, if that is what people think of me, the same could readily be assumed about them...
He started following me. Everywhere. He'd have dinner with me at church, we'd rehearse, sing, he'd then join me at my table for the general message and split off only when he had to go to the men's meeting and I to the women's. Afterward, even when I tried to find other people to hang out with, he'd STILL follow me. It started to get to me. He brought his wife and son to my son's birthday party... to follow me around at the party, too. It finally got to be too much one day he came up to me and said that he had someone else leading the next week, but that I should still come or he would "attack" me. Mind you that when he said this he also dropped his voice and his eyes swept down my body. A chill swept through me. Fortunately at that moment, someone walked through the hall and I took that moment to make my escape. I think with how he had been acting, and by my experiences with other men, had that person not walked in as he said he would attack me, that he would have made some sort of move... Yet, I know I also have a witness. If only I could remember who that person was!!! I would quite like to prove it...
I know he knows what he did because when I caught him again in the hallway later, I told him (acting at least as if I were giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he should watch his words because they didn't sound right when heard by the wrong person. He agreed and continued following me. Finally, I told him I was considering leaving the group, in part because of the incident and he just silently nodded. He half maintained his distance after I came back, but I made it known when he started again, plain as day in an email just why I had quit. He made the claim at that point that nothing had ever transpired and that he hoped I felt "safe" in order to continue attending. I didn't speak to him when he followed me again the next week. He finally started leaving me alone. We eventually seemed to move past it all and become cordial again and I'd hoped I could rejoin the team. I am desperate to play music again, but his "reason" now is that everyone wants on the team, and he can't have too many people. Yet they keep adding people. I am the only bassist that attends this service, but he would rather have 3 guitarists, a drummer and a keyboardist and call in this other girl when they want a female singer (despite that she no longer attends this group). He's been ignoring me since I got together with Ray. He and his family started going to other services at church. And Sunday, I saw his wife for the first time in a long time, and while she spoke to me, she had the kind of "let's move quickly, I'm only saying hi to be polite but I secretly blame you and hate your guts" tone. This was after they decided to not go to my son's birthday party this year... by the way he made excuses for it, I figure she heard about the email and told him they couldn't go to the party.
I know, it seems like a lot of assumptions... But I know the stuff I say in recovery group doesn't stay in recovery, even though it's supposed to... I have a sixth sense about these kind of things... and I know that while the church in general accepts me, I know what most individual people think of me because of Ray. Or because I call people on their BS (ie: calling this guy on what he was doing or pressing charges against one of my rapists). And I know how to read women in general, and often know why they act the way they do.
Nobody wants to readily believe their man has flirted with someone else, cheated on them, etc. They are readily willing to blame the other person for his downfall. And nobody listens, cares or believes, but I'd like to go on record as saying, I DON'T PURSUE THEM! I DO attempt to deflect them. And it doesn't always work. Sometimes, I just end up with the short end of the stick. It's easy to blame the woman. Especially when she's not the purest. But even whores say no then get blamed for the rape. Men love to say "she asked for it." No is still no, whether part of her wants it or not...

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Poem of Night

Daylight prompts the eyelids close
As heat puts on cheeks a summer rose
Wilted, I climb into bed
The blinding light annoying my head

What fool would wake in this which tires?
Darkness is my true desire
In the cool shall I live
To the light of the stars my heart give

It's not within me to hold direct gaze with the sun
Let it zap my energy and ruin my fun
No give me moonlight, reflections of love
For this is what my heart's made of

I love the sun- He's life to me
Of my affections be not deceived
But far too much kills, as in far too little we fall
In the night He's still lord of all
And gentler, kinder
Here I am free
To gaze in His light and still be

Shadowlands we dwell in
Not dark, rather shade
Until the time full brilliance
Can be to us displayed

Shadowvoice I am
A whisper in a temporal plane
Yet I still speak
I remain

If you listen past the pain you may see
There is much good still left in me

This one is incredibly difficult to explain the source of since it mostly kinda came, and like many of my ramblings, takes on very different sources, but I suppose I will try and explain some day. Kinda started out with how I would much rather sleep during the day and live through nights- it's always been this way for me... merged into thoughts of C.S. Lewis taking on an owl's perspective in one of his Narnian tales, where the owl thinks those who stumble around in the blinding light of day the fools and ended up somewhere in those thoughts of how dark I am said to be, yet how I believe I still walk in the light, merely a different side of it... If anyone has questions or ideas of how I can expand the explanation, let me know!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Frustration as I try to end the cycles

Sorry my blog isn't a neat little, wrapped up, easy-to-follow story. I've tried telling my life story in that manner time and time again, but it's incredibly difficult when stuff keeps happening... and when some memories I've repressed, and it takes either a trigger or intense concentration to even remember... and then remembering does other things...
I've been attempting to write my HA story out, but... well, it's much the same as essentially 14 of my 27 years are so wrapped up in Teen Mania experiences, from watching ATF TV and God using it to spare my life as a teenager, to the girl who keeps falling for friends from my many years in the ministry, only to have them use and abuse me.
*sigh* That's the major down-side to telling my story anywhere. And I keep trying... then running. Because the telling hurts, and whenever I start to find healing and make my life right again, two sets of people ultimately come along...
1)The people who "love" you, want to help you, rescue you, lead you, guide you, etc because they feel for you... they feel for you until they feel you up. The frustrating thing is I was able to be raped as many times as I have because of this. If I seem cold and callous some days, it's because I'm working so hard on being less trusting because I'm finding out a lot of people simply aren't worth my trust. 1st rape, long story short I felt I deserved. 2nd time this guy did this was a complicated thing, but I made sure the men in my life knew where I was coming from if they wanted to date me. Big mistake. I somehow believed Mark when he said he couldn't believe the guy would do that, how horrible blah blah and then he does it himself, in the most violent way of any of those who've attacked me, and this one was the most scarring. You'd think I'd learn after that, especially in all the other betrayals that followed, but I trusted a friend from the ministry because he looked good, pure and I thought I could because I know (or thought I knew) the teachings of the ministry until he was able to do the same. I retreated from the world then. I went from over 400 friends on Facebook to 24 people I felt I KNEW I could trust... people who didn't fall or seem like they could fall in category 1 or 2...
2)The people who do nothing more than preach at you in a condemning way or abandon you because they know you have issues. Unless you do things exactly as they think you should, they don't believe that you want to make things right and blame you for everything that goes wrong. I've been being harassed by one such man lately. I changed facebook profiles and blocked him on one only to have him follow me and begin harassing me again. I want to get a restraining order, but as this one guy is a former friend of Ray's, I find myself hesitating again.
Some days, I think I'm too nice. Same time, I don't believe in vengeance. I'm not sure I know the difference between that and defending/protecting myself.
Tons more I could vent about but I don't feel like looking for a connection, so perhaps another blog...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Rant on Ranting, Truth and Communication

I really wonder where people get their ideas about me. As I said elsewhere, I understand how certain people who never had the chance to know the real me can think things about me. What I don't understand is how people who know me could ever believe the things they've heard... or tell the lies that they have. Not all is a lie, but is conveniently guarded to the whole truth... The best lies have enough of the truth in them to be believable...
Why can't things just be worked out? I mean, why do humans seem incapable of just telling each other (in a non-condescending/blaming way) when they have a problem with each other?

I guess my rants kinda seem the same- blaming, judging others... Often, my rants are simply me trying to work it all out- figure out where I went wrong, spout how it seems to me from my side of things, sort out and express my feelings all at once. I don't really know what else to do when stuff happens and I'm not even owed an explanation at least... I've tried to go before the people I have issues with- usually. Sometimes, I rant trying to figure out what I wanna try and say. Some people- like the one who raped me the most violently (there have been 3 so it can get confusing, I know)- I can't go to them at all and have to try and figure out how to resolve all that is within me on my own. What do you do when the people you love and once loved you don't even accept a hug or a hi and you're never even clear why? I often don't know where else to turn when there isn't proper communication between both sides... Writing is often the only therapy I am left with.

I can't change if I don't know where I'm wrong. But like I said, my frustration is that people can't be honest enough about what they think, so it's hard for me to pin-point where things went wrong... Of course, the flip-side is some are so busy sharing their side that they never take a moment to hear mine.

I think if we could see each others' side of things, the world would appear less hateful and hopeless. I think I'd be filled with less despair if I could see that everyone who hurt me didn't do it because they were just being hateful or because I'm the scum of the earth. For all I've done wrong, I know the latter isn't true. I know my own heart, but it can be easy to lose sight of that when all you ever hear is otherwise. I believe the former can't be true either. Hate might be a part of human nature, but I think in all honesty, a lot of it is simply miscommunication. I've had my share of fights with friends that when all was said and done, we end up crying in each other's arms, truly apologetic for all that was done wrong- for shouting more than listening, for hurting each other and being hurt over something entirely misconceived. Many times the truth still hurts, is still unfair, but suddenly we can understand and open up doors to forgiveness, find ways to help rather than hinder, etc. As I like to say: the truth doesn't have to be pretty, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be the truth.

I am a truthseeker. I always have been. And as an artist, and a writer... well, I often seek truth with rants. Sometimes it's longing for what I know to be true to be heard. It comes across as complaints, and sometimes it is- a way to let off steam to a world who doesn't really know me or who I rant about anyway. Those who claim to be hurt by me don't seem to realize I felt hurt by them too, and I'm tired of feeling unheard and misunderstood. Even my complaints often have a dual purpose though. I don't want to just complain. I have a heart to work things out... and for things to stop being so one-sided.
Sometimes, too, I just wanna put voice to my fears or pain, either because I'm hoping someone might be able to help me or maybe I will be able to help myself. We all know how hearing something out loud can change our perspective. Sometimes hearing it aloud helps me work through what might be rational... or not. Some days I'm able to see what I said and say "ok that was dumb."
Others, I like the poetry of the pain. I think it's beautiful, and I've had the honor of being told time and again by others that expressing something encouraged them- that they were not alone, that pain can be made into beauty, to move on when things are rough because I did- whatever, I've heard a lot. And so I keep writing, hoping to somehow help.
Maybe someone who knows we're having an issue, but wouldn't hear me in person might feel safer reading my heart on the matter. I keep hoping we could come to some sort of understanding and forgiveness... I keep wishing I could hear your side and at least understand why you hate me, if not work it out altogether.
Or maybe someone I don't even know can at least learn something from my pain that might somehow spare them their own. Maybe my bad decisions can keep someone else from making the same one.
Something's gotta give...
Maybe I hope for and care too much. I firmly believe in giving everyone a chance and a voice, not just my friends. It's those who abuse the chance I turn from. Even then, I don't want to, just feel I must. I cannot love others if I cannot love myself, and if someone who does not love me keeps me from loving me... well... what else is to be done, but at least wait until I am stronger, more capable of staying firmly rooted into the truth before facing a storm?


I feel like something inside me has died and refuses to live again.
I have way too much love in my heart, make myself thoroughly vulnerable to people who tend to abuse my trust and hurt me where I'm most vulnerable. I grow weaker with every jab. And I grieve for a lifetime... And feel as if I'm 70 inside, just waiting for my time to finally come. Relief, peace... Parts of me grow stronger, where other parts of me grow weaker. I keep saying "enough is enough" to everyone who uses me, but unable to truly let anyone go, a part of me says, "don't go..."
And I only look the part of the liar. How can anyone believe I meant an "I love you" when I appear to move on so easily? It's easy for me to find someone else to give my heart to, but that hardly means I let the last person go. I don't know that I ever truly can. Love stores up, and with it, my grief. Is there a relief? I've said before that I long for death, but I don't. I just long to be the cold, callous person people think I am. I can put up a good front and appear hardened, but it is glass... You could look straight through me if you tried, and you can shatter my heart into a million tears if you would test the strength of my resolve.
I long for a freedom I don't think was ever meant for a lover/artist...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

It's hard to love yourself when others hate you

And I hate who I've become. I wasn't always this way...
Long story short, I lashed out at another friend in my grief. I'm trying not to talk about it a lot, because I know people are fed up with hearing about the hard parts in my life, same time, I really need to vent... I haven't yet met but one person who seems to understand, even though I've come to discover that a lot of people I know have been rape (or other sort of abuse) victims... Thankfully, at least my boyfriend and my best friend listen to me attempt to explain...

I mean really, how do you explain to someone that everything bad that happens in your life falls back in your mind to a horrific moment of rape? Even things you don't normally associate with it, finds a root in that moment. Every little hurt becomes compacted, one with the pain of that moment... Who knew 5 minutes could destroy you for a lifetime?
I get it. I get why no one wants to be my friend anymore. It's made me a monster. When every pain gets confused with that one, small hurts tantamount to full-force grief and anger becomes unleashed. Anger with myself that I let it happen. Anger with myself for loving him. Anger with myself for not going to the cops sooner because I wanted to be... nice. Anger at myself for always having let myself be the doormat that way, never standing up for myself until now. Anger for everyone that dropped me when I did. Anger that I did... whatever it was I did to prompt him to do this. Anger that so many so often think hurting someone like me like this is ok. So much anger. So much grief. The list is truly endless.
And all I want is to forget. Forget being made the fool. Forget what that betrayal feels like.
But someone always seems to bring it up by making me feel the fool for have chosen them as friends. I get that they can't understand or have any desire to deal with it, and so I forgive them for being human. But... well... they somehow get to get off scot-free and I don't. I don't ever get to be human- normal- again. Because I can't make what seems rational in my mind make sense to this outside world.

In my mind, it makes no sense that my best friend would make excuses for the man who raped me, try to talk me into being with him and make friends with him then hide that he told her he never loved me, but rather wanted to be with her and lets you fall flat on your back when you discover his pursuit of other women (add insult to the injury of rape and betrayal) another way. But she explains "he did it because he loved you" and you let it go though you know true love would never dream of hurting the one they love in such a way. You forgive when she says she just didn't want to tell you and let you get hurt more, and find closure when she chooses you over him, only to have her rip those wounds wide open again by dropping you like a hot potato when you needed her most, defriend you who she swore to always be there for and go back to being friends with the one who hurt you so much. She prefers the company of a man who cheats on her and friends who let him cheat on her with them to you simply because you asked her to stop play-flirting with the man you love. So he is an "ex"... he's barely an ex, and you're both still in love with each other. So what if it was play-flirting? Just hearing some of the nasty things said made you think of the one before who you'd lost to her, even if it wasn't her intent. Someone who you loved deeply then rapes you, then chooses her over you. Discarded like yesterday's trash. Is that really all I'm good for?

And so I hate myself because they obviously hated me. And I think I must be something thoroughly repulsive because that's just one story out of a million... To have so many treat me like garbage, I must be worthy of that title somehow, no? And I think I become more and more so since I react out of pain and anger a lot more now and often seem incapable of doing otherwise...
One story out of a million, but one fresh on my mind because of last night. Because I still love him. Stupidly, though I love others more, I miss what he and I once had. He was once my everything friend who listened like my best friend and boyfriend now do. I could always count on him... until that night. And last night, I got to relive it after attempting to make things right between he and I again, only to hear of how they both continue to hate me for... what? I said a hurtful thing or two, but the words don't cut as deep as their actions. I've had many a friend cut me down to size with their words- and even their actions. We all have reactions and stupidly react more than conscious act, but true friends, I have come to realize might react at first, then make a conscious decision to make it right again. Because friendship is worth more than our instincts. Our human instinct is to fight, to lash out, strike back in an effort to survive. But love is worth fighting for... As said in "She's out of my League", "if someone loves you, then you ARE a 10." You might be worthless, but somehow, love makes you worth it. And when someone's worth it, you will do everything to keep them. My best friends today, are those I have fought a million times with, but what has kept us alive is that we love each other so much that we fight a million and one times FOR that person. The fight for love goes a little beyond everything else. Sacrificially, we go beyond our human instincts, which seems impossible, beyond human strength, to find we have the strength after all, maybe not just in ourselves, but in our relationships with them.

And suddenly, I realize why I keep fighting for people who obviously don't want me... because I love them that much.

But I am still learning... there has to be a time to let them go, or their view of me will keep me questioning my worth. Will keep me from loving others.

I am a lover. And I fight for love...
But when love doesn't fight back, it can destroy you.
And I find myself hesitant to love so fully again.

A vicious circle... because love is vulnerable. It's giving someone the capability to hurt you, but trusting that they won't. But so many don't love back. Does that mean we stop loving? How do you guard yourself and keep from holding back- not punishing those who don't yet deserve it along with those that do- all at once? I'm struggling to find that balance as well as to fight when I seem to have no reason that I can find my reason. Or to become my own reason, but not be self-centered. To preserve me, and fight for friendship, but know when to let go... to recognize when the saying is true that I read online: "I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were." To see we all have worth, but that maybe, they weren't worth the pain they gave me... Which is it? I guess I will keep trying to figure it out...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Coverage of Grace

So I was reading this blog where there was a picture of a “cell phone screen,” which basically modernized a scripture to talk of calling God in a place with “no coverage” I got to thinking...

Lord, in a place
Where this is no coverage of grace
You are the One which shelters me

Though so few can look past my sin
To the heart which lies within
You reach to that part of me

Deep cries to deep
My soul sings, my soul weeps
Humbly, I fall to Your feet

And You lift me up again
You say that I am your kin
And I've been made free

In this world where all have turned away
You do not push me away
Instead You run to me

Where none would forgive my sin
You cleansed me from deep within
And said Your grace was enough for me

I acknowledge my imperfection
You lead me toward the right direction
With every stumble, you grasp me

I gasp at the love You've shown
When left by those who better should have known
Your blood is enough
And You call me Your own

More than as if I'd never sinned
But You gave to me eternity
Killed the fatted calf for one such as me

I feel so ashamed
But You raise my head
And tell me to never look down again

You see
You know
And someday
So will they
It isn't up to me to say when
It's their choice, their life or death
He purifies me to present me faultless
And the rest?
Is up to Him

They choose what they accept
And they choose when
Do not realize
What they could win
To see it sooner rather than too late

I walk past the gates
Journey into the unknown
Knowing that only He
Is in charge of my future
And the harm will not prevail

And those who do not see the debt as paid
Will simply miss out
On what they could have had today

other inspirations: story of the alabaster box.
story of the prodigal son.
this morning's sermon which touched on justification as more than forgiveness, but a gift on top of that. Much more than we deserve...

And Thursday night's Bible study which talked about the Holy Ghost as found in Galatians 5:16-26... Verse 21 in specific which says 'I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The short version as to how that relates is that “the kingdom of God” means more than Heaven in the after-life, but His kingdom on the earth as we've been called to bring it. Those who are caught up in sin and pettiness... well, they may not be damned to hell with no chance for salvation, but they sure as heck risk missing out on stuff they were supposed to get here because they were too caught up in what they weren't supposed to be... And we're ALL at risk for that one...

I must not be so caught up in the hopeless feeling humans have tried to condemn me to that I lose sight of the fact that His grace is sufficient. I do not wish to say to Him, "Lord, Your blood was not good enough." This is what we say when we've accepted His sacrifice, yet then say "I am not worthy." His aim is to make us so. Why do we keep standing in the way? Who are we to put a "Fail" stamp across any story He works to rewrite?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

someday I'll leave this topic for a while...

but for now I can't stop thinking about how badly things could go. I never did before because we'd always been so amicable. I never saw myself being hated, though I suspected all along that my in-laws hated me.
I don't even know what was said, how, when or why to change anything. Only that at Christmas, there was a gift, but my birthday Colin had to force a phone call out of his dad. Then graduation, cold as ice after a horrid phone call between my mother and Colin's. To have them say one thing and act another.
Only one understands how badly it hurts me because he's seen every tear. Night after night for weeks now. Losing my boys. Everything reminding me of them. Being hated is the worst, especially when you wonder why. They are supposed to be my family, one even swore they would still be whether I kept the name or not. They all knew we were having problems, before my own parents even knew.
Everyone has known for years we weren't working out. But apparently, the moment I decide to move on, I am the enemy. It doesn't matter how long and hard I've fought to keep people from badmouthing my husband and treating him differently. If there is no other honor due him, he is the father of my children and a human being. I would like to think I am worth the same. If nothing else, I gave birth to, and have raised almost single-handedly those boys which you cherished.
By God, if you knew it all, would you still hate me? Would you see only my mistakes or remember that you don't know the whole story? You don't know much of anything. We were too good at keeping up pretenses so now, who would believe me? Why should you assume anything other than "she is a witch"?
I am not the villain people make me out to be. Just human, imperfect. Hurting and searching, but I would never do anything to put anyone in danger or intentionally cause anyone harm... And those who took the time to know the real me, know that. Your son knows that, whatever he may say in hurt or anger over both our failures. I wish someone had given you a chance... I wish I really had been given a chance.
But why should I expect anything after 7 years of hoping and waiting only to discover it's true... There isn't one set of white parents out there that likes me. If you'd met me before Colin proposed, you probably wouldn't have approved then either. I don't fit the mold anyone thinks I should, and it's always been white girls approved for the white boy. Why? I don't know, but I lost my share of potentials that way.
And it doesn't matter what game I play. People prefer lies, but I refuse to speak anything but truth anymore. I can be the total good girl and the total bad one- and yes, I have done both in my lifetime. The temptation has been to say "if my life must be full of hurt either way, give me the path of sin so I can at least have some fun," but I've chosen to attempt the straight and narrow.
Don't see it now. You won't, and I can't force you. Simply, may God have mercy on your soul when the truth becomes known for I know where I stand. And I may be human and make mistakes, but I am no cold-hearted, lost soul. I simply... am.

Friday, June 25, 2010

and yet...

I'd suffer 10 lifetimes over to have my sons.


That's all I wanna know. I wanna know what was so wrong with me that so many could hurt me so much and be OK with it. What did I do to deserve this life? And don't recount my recent sins to me. No one pays penance BEFORE the sin. I know a lot of the crap I've done was a bad reaction to the crap done to me. I'm just trying to start new. To reclaim any part of me that might be left. I'm trying to do it right, but they all make it so difficult. I don't know what to do to get people to see that I'm not the enemy. I never intended to start a war, but I've been attacked. So now what? Do I attack back? Do I just stand here and take every bullet as if I deserved it? Do I let people continue to kill me or do I somehow arise? I'm not sure if I know how to arise again anymore, but I keep fighting. I know you won't read, but PLEASE, acknowledge that you don't know the whole story. TRY to understand, I may not be the villain he has painted me out to be...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

forgive my whining

But I fear I have nowhere else to vent. I've tried to be good in the way that I don't speak ill of him where mutual friends are. I've taken the blame for it all before the world and he has let me. Even those who hate him, love him, see me as the evil one and beg that we stay together, but who sees all the pain I go through? Who can tell me that THIS is what God would have me endure! I scream and cry so badly, even now that he is gone that I vomit! The pain in my heart is horrendous! Only matched by the pain caused by the one who raped me. Betrayal is the worst pain that ever was, and I feel as though I have been betrayed by the world. I laugh as I read all these articles that say marriage is no bed of roses, but we have to stick with it anyway. If anyone could step back and take a good, long look at my life and my heart... Could they truly say it applies to even me? If this be the grace and love of Christ, I want nothing to do with Him! Fortunately for all of you, I know my God better than that or I would have fallen from Him so long ago! From molestation as a child to abuse from my peers for worshiping God when this was not the "cool" thing to do, to having my leaders at a ministry tell me "you are worthless, and I will do everything in my power to see you get kicked out of here" to having other leaders in that ministry 1) separate me from one of my best friends just because he was a guy or 2) forcing me to break up with my boyfriend as he proposed to me (long story), to being sexually abused at 17 once while abroad with this same ministry, once while I was in Dallas with them... to the hell of a marriage for 7 years that even now continues, to being raped 4 times by 3 different men in 11 months time, suffering through clergy sexual abuse... being told by my husband to kill myself then hearing my mother-in-law thinks I am an unfit mother because I vent about the pain every once and again... I have withstood much. So much! Way too much, and yet I live! I very rarely lash out to hurt back those who hurt me, though admittedly I HAVE done it before. It takes A LOT to break me, push me to that point! I'm on the verge of it yet again which is why I have to let it out before I can't take anymore. The pain has been building... I cling to images in my mind, the few times people have stood up for ME, the times "I love you" has given me the will to keep fighting, Ray's fist hitting the wall every time our first week together he heard a new story. I want no one to exact my justice for me, at least not in a way that would go against any laws, but I do wish justice could come, and my only reprieve is that finally, someone cares enough about me to be hurt and angry for me, and hold me when I can no longer hold myself. Until recently, no one has really cared about me and now... I have enough. I hurt and so I vent, but with their wind beneath my wings, I will make it!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Why do I keep crying?

It's not so much a self pity thing. There is a missing my kid thing... I don't know. On one hand there's a good riddance thing, on the other- well, he always was a friend I was just... tired of being forgotten I guess. Used. So much that went so wrong... Superchick has this song that says "The hardest part was getting this close to you/And giving up this dream I built with you/A fairy tale that isn't coming true...." Maybe it's just having it all seem to... final. Even though I knew it was over ages ago, I'm finally feeling the ultimate brokenness of it.
I'm so ready for all the pain I've endured to stop. How can a person be so happy and so... hurt all at once? Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me... I don't wanna be with him, but him being gone I just... *sigh* I don't know anymore.

So many mixed emotions today...

Just put my kids on a plane with him, and I have this bad feeling that he's gonna try and fight me to keep them though he says he won't. I think the biggest reason being he just screwed me outta $200+ which I need for rent very, very soon. That and he cringed when I said the government, if I understood correctly was pegging him for child support- at about $100 a month! This after what he's done for them in the past 2 months was pay for part of Rhythm's party and buy some diapers. I don't know where his checks went, except to his misspent funds on a car he ended up letting get towed. I don't understand why he wants them when he won't take care of them when he has them. So worried they won't be taken care of in the next month while they're supposed to be with him... after all, he is moving and has no money and no job as he moves... just his parents to mooch off of... Forgive me... The tears roll down my cheek as I sit at a foreign Starbucks waiting for my phone to charge so I can head home... Perhaps I should stick with saying nothing when there is nothing but anger or heartache etched upon my soul...

Monday, June 14, 2010



It's a Blind World After All

This world is too content with living blindly. I don't get it. I mean, I know the truth hurts, but I'm one who can't live without the truth. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. The truth that hurts me now is that people are so concerned with appearances that you are shunned when you don't fit the mold. From my mom who says don't come home until you change (when she can't see how far I've actually come because up until recently, I was among those who felt the need to HIDE my darkness)... to a ministry that seems to want to pretend either that no one ever got hurt or that they fixed whatever problems they might have had... to my best friend who ran when I lashed out in a dark moment that came with the rape flashbacks, unable to understand how a person can be that broken...
A person can never become who they are meant to be as long as they stay in shadows. They can't change if they don't acknowledge need for change. They can't fully acknowledge a need for change if coming clean means people abandon you. I see why so many hide their faults. I get why so many of my friends have chosen over the years to hide the affairs they've had... People can't fully be who they are if they must pretend to be something they're not.

I'm NOT ultra feminine. This doesn't make me less of a woman. I love to let loose and sing at the top of my lungs or dance even though I really don't know how. I'm all for "better out than in" comfort with the people closest to me. I'm not a very good sword-fighter, but I would LOVE the chance to spar with you. I love sports and games as long as I get to have fun and not just be hemmed in by the rules. I know how to sew, I CAN cook, but I DO resist these domestic qualities because in the world I grew up in, I was defined by these qualities and could be no one else BUT a wife and mother. I play bass guitar, and I love it! I have as many sound effects as a guy. Quality time and physical touch are my primary love languages, but because of all the abuse I've been through- all the rejection I've faced and every rape, etc, I'm a runner even as I am a fighter. I have a love/hate relationship with the very idea of sex. I like to make the first move, and I love to be pursued. I've craved love like a child who has tasted candy, but is too poor to ever have more than brief tastes. My hurts have caused me to inadvertently hurt others. I don't have it in me to willfully reject anyone who would be my friend. My heart is way too big. I love even those who would hate me, hurt me, use me. The hardest thing for me to do is walk away from those who abuse me, but I'm learning to find balance because if I don't love me, I can't love others the way I need to. I'm used to being a doormat. I'd give my life up for my friends' kids as much as my own, this includes my boyfriends' daughters. Marriage no longer has any meaning to me, but I'd do it all again to have my boys and learn to play bass, etc. I believe in restoration- just not in the area everyone wants me to. The more you want me to be someone, the more I will reject that idea because of all I've been through, and how people typically want me to be some sort of fake and ask me to lie...

I despise hiding and lying with every fabric of my being, but I'm trying to find the balance between honesty and being courteous to others/discreet.
And I'm trying to be patient... but the lies hurt me more than a truth I sometimes wish wouldn't exist... And so I face this world of lies and accept the truth of its existence, even as I pray for change and hope to somehow inspire it.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Victim's Mentality

It's so difficult right now not to have one. The short of it was I was a broken girl, thanks to typical Christian mentality, when my husband came around. I had suffered my share of abuses as a child, and had pressed on. What had me jumping the gun to marriage was that I had fallen. In the society I came from, if you weren't a virgin, you were tainted goods, and if you couldn't marry the one you sinned with, you jolly well better marry whatever Christian guy would take you because he was doing a great disservice to himself to do so. He was sacrificing his purity to be defiled by a lowly one such as you in hopes to bring you back to holiness. He was a good man who swore he loved me. How naïve I was...
I won't go into all the reasons why today- why I let myself run off to start having affairs then eventually decided I'd do us both a favor and divorce him. Suffice it to say, after 4 years with him, I'd all but completely lost myself (pre-affair), climbed into a shell where I had absolutely no self worth, and here, seven years later, I still have no answers to why he could never love me. Instead, I was the one with a desire to start over. When a move to a different city couldn't move him from everything coming between us, rather drove us further apart by driving me closer to my addiction and him to commuting to be with his, I announced I was leaving, heading home to the only family I felt I had left- my friends on the east coast. He eventually decided if that was the case, that he'd head to the east coast as well, back with his parents.
The skinny? Because of delays he's given me, one of us needs to stay here while the divorce finalizes. Somehow, I'm the one who had to sacrifice my dream to leave on top of my dream of marriage. He's taking the kids, despite how many times he's said "take them, I don't care" (which naturally bugs me to no end). I'm dying at the thought of losing my children, and wondering what I did to deserve this life?
And I'm soooo tired of everyone who thinks that reconciling with the one who decided his children and I weren't worth anything will make everything ok again.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Teardrops of a Woman

I have a blog to put here, really I do, but for some reason I am struggling with how I wanna end it. Instead, for now, I will put in one of my favorite poems that I've written:

The teardrops of a woman
Are the diamonds of her eyes
Multi-faceted prisms
Glittering every time she cries

The teardrops of a woman
Are born of hardness in her life
Of sorrows black as coal
and worlds of pressure

Deep within
Her heart always shines
Through it all
Within each woman
lies a treasure

The teardrops of a woman
Are born of the purity of her love
You can see clear through
To what she finds most worthy

Each drop is hot
What her passion is made of
Full of tender care and healing
Shed for the hurting

The teardrops of a woman
Are the prayers of her soul
As she learns when to let go
Of the past

And deep within
Her heart is strength
She may look fragile
But she can last

She holds on when she needs to
Beautiful and fierce
She feels all, and works hard
Even through her fears
Each drop that is shed
Is worth as much as her blood and sweat
Every tear tells a story
Every tear hopes to mend
As is her heart, so are her tears...

The teardrops of a woman
Are the diamonds of her eyes
Multi-faceted prisms
Glittering every time she cries

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

For my friends at RA...

OK, so this blog is a little... centered, I guess you can say. I was once an intern for Teen Mania Ministries, and during my time there... well, let's just say there was some abuse that has both tainted and corrected my view on the world and Christianity. I recently became a member of the forums for, a place where people can share their own stories on the road to healing. Long story short, the board of directors came up with a response here.
The following was my own response to that, originally posted on twitter (Yeah, I don't do well at all with the 140-character limit thing!):

(directed in part to the founder of the ministry, Ron Luce and to the director of the Honor Academy- the internship of the ministry, Dave Hasz)...

Let's assume you guys did fix it all for the interns of today... That doesn't negate the need to repair the past... *sigh* I really love you more than you'll ever know, but the whole thing can't just blow over. There is too much to this.

It's so difficult to feel caught in the middle when it come to the whole Honor Academy thing. One minute, I'm honored to be an Honor Academy alumnus, the next... I can't help but ask "why?" Am I the only one unsure of my "side"??

Anyone who REALLY knows me, knows I was one of Teen Mania's abused alumni who fell through the cracks. Very few know my story though because of how I've walked through this journey...
Lately... there's been questioning, pain. Don't blame R.A. though, it was the "responses" which evoked a whole new level of pain I long thought buried. The rest of me took it in stride and learned from the hardness- once I got past my I-don't-care-about-anything-anymore phase. My pain took me to foolish choices, but I acknowledged I made those choices on my own. In the end, God used them to strengthen me. Still I'm not 100%, and my desire is to reach out to the hurting. It pains me that I do not see the church loving as Christ commanded.

I'd like to take a moment to say here what I once commented on
One of things which meant the most in my recovery was when a fellow alumnus, after hearing my story said "they told us we were now and forever representatives of this ministry, right? Well, then I hereby, on behalf of the entire ministry, apologize for what you experienced.”
My desire would be to offer that same hand. I may someday lose my standing with the Honor Academy Alumni Association, yet they cannot change the fact that I graduated. As such, I'll always represent Teen Mania- be that good or bad in their eyes. I'd like to think I do some good by saying: As a representative of Teen Mania, I apologize for whatever hurts you may have experienced, and if there is anything I can do, I take the vow I made to all those who ever placed the honor ring on their finger seriously. My servitude is eternally yours.

(After reading Hayford's letter)

I've come to the realization lately that there is more than one kind of "evil" we should avoid evoking the image of. "Avoid the appearance of evil" does not mean pretend everything is OK. That is an evil all its own...
Hello... the favorites always get good treatment so the testimony of his family's involvement is moot. I've heard enough stories from both sides to assess this prior to, prior to "damage" people want to do. With me, for instance, I've been silent for 9 years. Doesn't keep me from seeing and hearing and praying.
I repeat, these "responses" are doing more harm than supposedly is!
I want to know who is really reaching out to whom. RA seems to say they've been looking for help & TMM swears the help offered is being rejected.
I think seriously if you'd stop being like the rest of stereotypical Christianity, stop whining about your appearances, and let your quiet testimony speak for itself as it should if you are really in the right, it would say a lot more! Christ felt no need to defend Himself at His trials. So yeah, He got crucified, but new life came from that. Saying nothing is wrong is a little "methinks thou dost protest too much," drawing more attention to what has transpired!
I find it weird how my whole life swims in circles of familiarity. I think one reason TMM's responses bugs me so much is that it reminds me of the government's last letter to me concerning the rape I endured and reported last year. My case was dropped for "lack of evidence. ”The government went so far as to say they determined (without trial!) that I had not been a victim. They called me a liar. They may as well have raped me all over again. All I wanted at that moment was counseling. If justice could not come, would someone just help me get the help I needed to get past that? No, instead more pain arises. You shoot the wounded rather than administer healing...

Does it matter who is at fault? Christians should be willing to help ANY wounded! THAT is our calling! Let's assume the stories are all fabricated. There was obviously a hurt somewhere. Instead of saying "it wasn't me!" try "lemme help,” preferably in a real and tangible way.

Not trying to stir up trouble. TMM is responsible for leading me back to Christ & keeping me from suicide at 13. I also helped a youth group to Acquire the Fire less than 3 months ago! I only have your best interests at heart. However, actions of leadership prompted me to begin cutting while at the Honor Academy. I was told that I was worthless. I never blamed TMM because it was a person, not a ministry that hurt me. But speaking against your own AS a ministry... Well, you might as well be saying you take responsibility for their actions. Thankfully, an alumnus already took responsibility for the hurt on your behalf and apologized to me for you 8 years ago...

I know they're not listening. TMM didn't listen 9 years ago when confronted by my parents, why would they hear my pleas on twitter? Can't help but hope & pray though that my premonitions about them aren't true. There is still a chance for change, in ALL of us... Until death...

(And finally, a small PS for the other link on that page, which I barely read): "...some young people do not have maturity or self discipline to finish such a rigorous leadership program." Arg! My thoughts on this are simple: It's far too accusatory! Yes, because those are the ONLY reasons for which we cannot ENDURE. Blech, blech. Blah!

Sunday, May 30, 2010


Caught between my desire to be open about my life- because lies are a sin to me- and my desire to stop having fingers pointed at me. I've never fit in anywhere, not entirely. So few truly accept me for me. I want to start new, but how do you do that when your past makes you who you are?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

My "Family"

I can count my "family" on two hands. All but two have chosen to be my family. I have a few friends besides- people who don't hate me, but aren't incredibly close either. My "family" at least loves me with everything within them, some despite (or is it because of?) or our pasts together... If I were to let go of every ex though, or everyone I "should" somehow not be friends with, I would have no one but my kids, and two Honor Academy friends... I suppose I should simply be grateful I have anyone.

My prayer...

... Lord, if there is nothing good left in this world, if all that exists is pain, then please, I beg of you, TAKE ME HOME!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I wrote a letter to my mother...

She started it.
Not sure if my motives were pure writing it or not. Not sure yet what the consequences of said letter will be as she has not received it yet. Lord knows I should have used more tact in the letter I wrote. *sighs* Nothing to be done now. And on one level, I think she won't understand and will reject what I have to say, but needs to hear it all the same.

What started this? She basically handed Ray a letter and told him not to let me know about it. He came inside from the encounter, fuming that she would make such a request. He wanted to know just what is it she thought of him that she would think he'd hide anything from me. Anyone who knows me knows how highly I value the truth and I have become a lot more open and even offended at the idea of hiding in recent days. Well, in short, this has rubbed off on him.

The letter essentially tells Ray that she would love to get to know him since he's taken an interest in me, but that he is going about it all wrong, hurting my reputation, and then adds stuff in the post-script that mentions his family and mine etc, telling me that her main concern is appearances. She pretty much relayed to him that she didn't want him around, the last thing she said to me... I haven't spoken directly to her since...

Instead, there is my letter...

(R.A. people will probably see hints of what my time at TMM, among other ministries has taught me... She's tried to throw TMM in my face as a sign of how far I've fallen. Unfortunately with the current hidden things of TMM that I've been learning/realizing, my only response to that ended up being: "Yes, TMM taught purity, yet the fact that they allowed a 17-year-old girl to be sexually abused and brushed it under the rug makes those teachings worthless to me." Sad, but true. This led to a new thinking when it comes to 1 Thess. 5:22)

First off, one thing needs to be made abundantly clear: in a real, true, honest relationship- as all relationships SHOULD be- it is HIGHLY offensive to tell one member to keep things secret from another. We do not operate in that way and consider such things to be the biggest detriment any relationship can face. We thereby will NEVER withhold anything from the other and we kindly ask that you never even consider such a request again.
That being said, we already know everything you have to say, which is why I asked that you not say them to begin with. It isn't that I want to shut you out or keep you from expressing your opinion, but the problem is that people think they will be telling us something we do not know. You raised me better than to believe I do not know right from wrong. I never said I did not know adultery was wrong. If you would have noted the tone when we had that conversation, you would've noticed what I said was said in sarcasm. I said it then and I repeat: none of this is new to us, but we see things in a different light than the rest of the world does. That, however, is not a conversation for this time or place. It is difficult to speak to people who have only one thing in mind.
My reputation has not be sullied as you would surmise. You would in fact see progress back to who I once was, only with a greater understanding of how to reach a new group of people that I ever had before, if you could but see how far I have come. If you knew the life I led before, you would know that this is the “least” of my sins, not that God considers any sin greater or lesser than another. The lies of the church are as great a sin as that of murder, hate and adultery. This is why I won't play the appearances game. I believe, particularly from my experiences with the unchurched, that the truest meaning to “avoid the appearance of evil” is to not pretend you have no faults, or pretend everything is OK when it's not. Nonbelievers aren't stupid enough to think that we are faultless (being faultless and blameless in His sight are again two very different things), will see right through us, and reject us AND the message we bring as a result. Who wants to trust a liar?
I get that you think it's OK, and want to play the appearances game, but this is a a game I am far from willing to play. Saying that you don't want him around until I am at least divorced, considering last you knew I could be waiting seven years to be able to file for abandonment on Colin's part, is the same as saying you want me to live a lie for the next seven years. As I am unwilling to commit that sin in conjunction with any other I might commit, it is the same as saying you don't want me around for seven years either.
That in mind, you will get your wish. You either love me and accept me for who I am as Christ dictated, or you don't. The way I see it, you don't. True love places no conditions on another. True love does not ask for the one they love to do anything they are unwilling. True love does not force their own values on another and in that regard, I will not force my way into your life, I will not rape or sully YOUR precious reputation, apparently valued higher than the people in your life, yet I will not allow you to force yourself upon me either. I will then remove myself and my property from yours and you can go on pretending as if the dirty little whore you gave birth to never existed. This is what your words say you want. This is how the unchurched takes the actions of the church. I know from experience dealing with the unchurched these past few years on the new mission field God placed me on. I know I am called to reach those the rest of the church makes feel this way. I've said it to others and now I say it to you, if home had been a welcoming place, there might have been a return home. Instead, you burn bridges and I shake the dust off my feet and move on.
I know you won't understand where I am coming from as this does not fit your world view, but I have known for quite some time that my place is not here, yet I was once willing to play the game and lost myself as a result. I did what others asked of me, rather than what God asked of me which led me to places you would understand even less. Know, however, that I am at least close to the right path now if not quite on it yet and allow me to listen to HIM this time. I need to hear Him, not everyone's interpretation of Him.
Take into account as well every prophecy you have been there for and you will see clearly that the one I am meant to be with is not Colin, and God does not change His mind because I try to take matters into my own hands and step ahead of Him as I did with Colin. Remember that last prophecy from Tom Terry and know that that morning I prayed if the Lord had something to say to me that He would say it in a way I knew was Him, not like the “words” the ministerial staff had been giving me, obviously based off things they had read online concerning my life. He essentially offered the same word as from my youth, which confirmed to me I was not where I belonged. Man would never tell me to divorce because man likes to forget God gave provision for it.
I know from speaking to Terry directly that his awkwardly-delivered retraction was not his idea, nor did he believe it was of God to try and connect an interpretation of that word to my marriage. He offered to give a public apology, but I did not allow that, knowing Pastor John would never approve of something which could sully his own reputation that way. The church is far too concerned with how they LOOK to focus on how they ARE. In any case, I do not believe that a “covenant” made under duress is any more binding than confession made under duress. The court of law will throw out statements that were coerced, and I believe God gives us what man will and then some. I do not consider myself bound to a sham, regardless of how many people the joke was performed before, and know that above all, God knows my heart and He is all I need.
Trust that you trained me to hear His voice if you can trust nothing else, and maybe, just maybe you will see things a little differently. If not, you should at least have some sort of peace that I will find Him again and leave me to seeking Him again, rather than being pushed toward Him. Leave it to the Lord to draw me to Him, and don't get in the way of that.

Monday, May 17, 2010

One of Those Days

This is one of those days where I don't feel I know up from down. The religion I grew up with, and those who still believe that way, would say everything I am experiencing now is supposedly something akin to "the natural consequence" of my sin. That's a phrase that his soon-to-be ex-wife likes to use.
"Who's ex what huh?" I know... I'm not likely to encounter anyone who actually knows my life on here so I probably oughta figure out a way to get some back-story in. Difficult though, when you know how fast my life tends to move. I guess let's just say that after another one of my ministry phases, I hit another one of those "lost" phases, and to hear a lot of people tell it by how I live now, I'm STILL lost... perhaps even more lost than ever. But so few know the full story. And even fewer know my heart.
This most recent part happened since my last blog. Yes, that quickly. The short of it is I met a man who ached so horribly to hear my story told, he decided I was worth pursuing, despite the wife and daughters. (This is the part I lose whatever audience I might've had, right?) I will never say I had no fault in that, or blame all my hurts for the life I now know... these were the agents, yet the decision was mine. I have been both the abuser and the abused. The one left, and the one leaving or inspiring others to leave. And before you think I just got what I deserved and was hurt because of the hurt I caused, bear in mind that my abuses came first. If anything, I hurt back out of reaction, and yet again think that would've had to have been on a level for which I was unaware as I have rarely intentioned hurt on anyone's behalf.
In any case, I was swimming in a world of hurt, from the Year from Hades, when Ray sought me out. Well, he was seeking, though not necessarily for me. Like many men in the world, he was unfulfilled in his marriage, in more ways than one, the type of man I always seem to attract... only in the end, let's just say I am not the chosen one. Thanked perhaps, but not chosen...
As a woman, I have this way of knowing what women really mean/want at times so that sometimes I end up helping them work things out with their lover/spouse by pointing stuff out/translating/offering suggestions. Other times I simply help them realize just how deep their dissatisfaction runs so they can see where it is they need to go from there. They may for a small season value my understanding of men's needs and desires and think they have feelings for me, but rarely does that lead to too much. Yes, I have had affairs. Yes, I've hoped to keep some of them, too. We have desires the other can fulfill, if only for a season (NOT just sex!), but it's not enough. As I have said a lot over the years, I have been loved, but never loved enough (to take it to the last level- whether he was single or married when I met him). I married, too, but long story short, he proved time and again that I was just the first girl to give him a second thought, and even when he swore he wanted to fight for what we had, he never actually did that. I gave up. I moved on. I always do. Rape my body and soul. I still eventually move on.
In any case, he saw it all and not only was dissatisfied or thought that I could give him what he sought, but mourned for me as few will... many, many factors, really. Ultimately, he decided he loved me, and wanted to prove to me there was someone who would choose me. And so, at my expressing my deep dissatisfaction for the Lie (I have a hatred for lies than runs far deeper than the average human's), when I said that I wouldn't be someone's dirty little secret again, he surprised me by telling her he wanted me. Straight up. I had been speaking to him a week and a half when he decided this, had known him in person one week exactly when he chose me (before that it was "if only I'd met you first" and me nudging him to remember her, consider his family). I soon saw his mind was set. Easily done when he decided to tell her at the Beth Moore simulcast I was attending at his church (which wasn't planned, by the way, someone switched my ticket on me, unknowingly, to his church last second, and I felt that were a sign that I was meant to be there). He went straight from telling her, to packing his stuff up and moving out. No one had ever done such a thing for me.
It's been three weeks now. Three insane weeks. The hard part wasn't just that he was shunned by his church and his family, but that they have insisted on hurting us as they have been hurt under the guise of it being "natural consequences" rather their own spite (it ceases to be "natural" the moment you set your hand to it!)... this includes hurting his daughters and my sons, attempting to get my pastor to boot us from my congregation as well, badmouthing us on Facebook, preaching at us both online, and worse, harassing us in real life. I would rather they left us to the hell they claim to have damned us to (as if the power were theirs!) than coming to my apartment to stir up trouble. And you can hurt me all you want, but touch our children and the bear comes alive within me!
It's been strange to watch their hate-filled reactions (despite words saying there is only love, actions prove otherwise), especially when set against the backdrop of love displayed by my husband (due to lovely little California laws and other familial complications, we can't actually get legally divorced yet) and many of my closest friends who know me in all of this, and love me, in spite of my faults. If this hatred were so natural, and a consequence for sin, then why is it not coming at us from every side, inescapably?
This doesn't even touch the tip of the ice-burg of emotion in all of this, but believe me when I say that I have the utmost love and compassion for his daughters, but know not how to make that known. Such beautiful girls! I've attempted to get him to leave me for their sake, but to no avail. Instead he has begged me that he not lose me, too, because of their harassment and their mistreatment of those beauties, instead to let them take their sin, which they mount upon ours, into their own hands.

The part that is most difficult for us right now, and I'm most uncertain how to handle, is the living situation, his pending divorce and the fact that mine can't also be pending.... particularly now that he has lost his income (just today), my landlord thinks it's OK to harass us, and try and evict us based solely on his intolerance to our decisions (though he does not even know us!) and the fact that I have known for quite some time that I am meant to move clear across the country sometime after I graduate this Friday. 1) I don't have the money to make that move (any more than I any longer have the funds to stay here), a place to really stay/way to make a living once I get there AND 2) this would mean a possible six-month separation for us as he has to wait for his divorce to finalize before he can join me. He does not want me to leave, but I feel God knew we needed this time apart as these were my marching orders per se long before I even met Ray. It's something I felt I was told to do 18 months ago, a plan that has not changed simply because of him. I guess if it truly is of God, He will make it happen. And perhaps this is what we need to prove the naysayers either right or wrong... only God knows where fallen man can be led when they turn back to Him... Think what you will, my life rests in His hands, for He knows my heart...

Monday, April 12, 2010

I might as well admit it...

Though some of this is a bit TMI... definitely PG-13...
My Twitter rant from one of the biggest panic attacks I have had in a while put into blog form:

(Note: Thursday marks the one year anniversary of when an 18 year old named Mark violently raped me).

I really just want to cry today. I cried this morning. But again, I haven't been able to cry since. I just feel dull, numb... Dying. Physically & emotionally.
I need someone to hold me right now. But who would want to hold this mess?
I want this rain to wash me away....

OK... I will be honest... innocents turn away...
I want sex. But I want the kind of sex that means something. Not a joke, not a tease... I want to be able to look into someone's eyes and know that for that moment at least, he wants me and me and me alone.
I want to get these images of violence out of my head.... 4 days until the anniversary of what Mark did to me...
I want to feel LOVED dammit! And whatever anyone says, sex is PART of love- or it's SUPPOSED to be. I've HAD that! But I always lose it...
I always just end up with this darkness in me....
"Old, alone, done for... worthless, useless... unloved... used... betrayed"...the words wont stop echoing...
I need to eat, but food was only appealing for about 5 minutes...I can't concentrate enough to finish editing my story, do my hw, clean the house, pay my bills... I'm just a shell right now. I dont know why and I just hate it... I want to scream, to cry... and have someone hold me as I do, then wipe my tears away and make me forget the nightmare of my life ever happened.
But as usual, it's me, this hell-hole... and rain pouring outside my window.
And tons of men begging me to let them use my body. It is both what I want and not... because what I had was missing. I want them to shut up. Stop asking when I'm coming over again... and to shut up that voice... so that I can be whole again.

Does anyone even remember what I used to be like? Is that why you stick by me? Are you, too, waiting with me, hoping desperately that who I was before will come back to stay?
Why does anyone stay? And why didn't I succeed January 1?
How many have I loved thoroughly and truly? How many have truly loved me back? I will probably never know...
I guess I should just be happy that I ever had a moment. On one hand those moments make lie worth living. On the other... them being gone makes life 1 million times worse... about THIS I am lost...
It's the part of me that knows I was made for more... but says I will never find more here... and begs me to leave here because it doesnt know how much more void it can take.
I'm always told "in another life"... So let's hope re-incarnation is real...

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Voice in Shadow/Shadowvoice etc

I remember the first time I used the name. It was an old screen name on aol instant messenger. It started out as "Voice in Shadow" and later blended into "Shadow Voice," as if it would sound cooler in this gothic sense.
I am a Christian. I have been since I was very young, and this was what worried people. Previously I had been known as "The voice of the revolution," which seemed far more appropriate for a Christian, no? Safer... but I was never very good at safe. I have always teetered on the edge in a way. My thinking had always been... well... revolutionary.
In any case, it was always about the voice. The Voice. I am a voice among many. A voice that seldomly is heard, even more seldomly understood. Like I said, I have always been different.
As a child, this meant praising God while my peers mocked. Always misunderstood, always... abused. Yes, they went so far as to abuse me. I went through a lot of other abuse on both sides of the coin, and while this blog really isn't about that, it is part of it. It cannot help to be, for I have spent my life trying to understand the abuse. And fighting to be heard and understood as well. Especially at the end of my darkness. I have always been able to find hope, however vague at the end of the tunnel, and have fought with saints and sinners alike about my personal belief system. I tend to latch onto pagans, wiccans and other "dark" religioned people. I in my searching, searched outwardly, and lost a good chunk of myself in the process, but in any case, I came to see things through their eyes, and as I already thought differently, it was easy for this side of me to grow.
I became the voice in the shadow... a voice that wavers more often than not for how soft it sounds in the shouts of a crowd. It is a nervous plight to know how difficult it is for one such as I to be heard. Yet I continue to shout out, though it seems futile at times, anxious to start that revolution.
I am a singer, and a writer- these are my main voices. I play bass guitar and have dipped my toes into theater. Again, more venues for my voice. My influence expands even as it decreases. many lose patience with me and my "weird" ideas, most especially the Christians.
But I am not as lost as you would say, though I have been deemed "too rebellious" for your tastes.
And the rebels... accept me more, because they know that I am me, without repentance for being who I am, even if that be broken. As far as I know, I among those truest to self... but what they have difficulty accepting is that I am also true to my God.

Ach.... I know whoever reading this is really probably lost if they haven't left yet... Let's just say it how I always have: I am too saintly for the rebels; too rebellious for the saints. Everyone has trouble accepting who I am because of how different it is. For my journeys on both sides of the saintly candle, I see things which most Christians refuse to see and identify with the broken, the hurting, the shunned. I have very often been the shunned. I think differently and wish to revolutionize the thinking of saint and sinner alike. My life is an eternal paradox, and I the immortal oxymoron... The things I am, the things I believe... I have been told cannot co-exist and yet I am living proof that they do.
Do I say that I have no faults? Hardly. Do I know all the answers? Not a chance. But I work through my faults, and fight for honesty. I fight for God and see Him as Savior, but also fight for Him as Love. I fight to revolutionize how He is seen in and outside the church, for I think the church is so caught up in a lot of petty things that they forget the basics. And the non-Christians are so caught up in the rules or the hurts they have experienced because of them, that they abandon God as well.
But God does not abandon us. Instead, He sends voices to us. Voices that often seem like mere shadows, whispery in the temporal, blinding shadow that is this world, Voices to light the way, to guide, to stand beside. And as messed up as I can be, I still think I am one... or am intended to be...
With this in mind, I remove myself from the shadows in this way: I lay my life bare before the world. I hope for your acceptance, but do not require that you give it for my sake. I have all that I need, even when my heart bleeds that I could have the luxuries of being accepted, loved and understood by more than those I am above that. I believe that is from the heart and desire of God. He longs to be longed for, as I do. He longs for you. But as I won't force you, neither will He.