This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Monday, June 14, 2010

It's a Blind World After All

This world is too content with living blindly. I don't get it. I mean, I know the truth hurts, but I'm one who can't live without the truth. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. The truth that hurts me now is that people are so concerned with appearances that you are shunned when you don't fit the mold. From my mom who says don't come home until you change (when she can't see how far I've actually come because up until recently, I was among those who felt the need to HIDE my darkness)... to a ministry that seems to want to pretend either that no one ever got hurt or that they fixed whatever problems they might have had... to my best friend who ran when I lashed out in a dark moment that came with the rape flashbacks, unable to understand how a person can be that broken...
A person can never become who they are meant to be as long as they stay in shadows. They can't change if they don't acknowledge need for change. They can't fully acknowledge a need for change if coming clean means people abandon you. I see why so many hide their faults. I get why so many of my friends have chosen over the years to hide the affairs they've had... People can't fully be who they are if they must pretend to be something they're not.

I'm NOT ultra feminine. This doesn't make me less of a woman. I love to let loose and sing at the top of my lungs or dance even though I really don't know how. I'm all for "better out than in" comfort with the people closest to me. I'm not a very good sword-fighter, but I would LOVE the chance to spar with you. I love sports and games as long as I get to have fun and not just be hemmed in by the rules. I know how to sew, I CAN cook, but I DO resist these domestic qualities because in the world I grew up in, I was defined by these qualities and could be no one else BUT a wife and mother. I play bass guitar, and I love it! I have as many sound effects as a guy. Quality time and physical touch are my primary love languages, but because of all the abuse I've been through- all the rejection I've faced and every rape, etc, I'm a runner even as I am a fighter. I have a love/hate relationship with the very idea of sex. I like to make the first move, and I love to be pursued. I've craved love like a child who has tasted candy, but is too poor to ever have more than brief tastes. My hurts have caused me to inadvertently hurt others. I don't have it in me to willfully reject anyone who would be my friend. My heart is way too big. I love even those who would hate me, hurt me, use me. The hardest thing for me to do is walk away from those who abuse me, but I'm learning to find balance because if I don't love me, I can't love others the way I need to. I'm used to being a doormat. I'd give my life up for my friends' kids as much as my own, this includes my boyfriends' daughters. Marriage no longer has any meaning to me, but I'd do it all again to have my boys and learn to play bass, etc. I believe in restoration- just not in the area everyone wants me to. The more you want me to be someone, the more I will reject that idea because of all I've been through, and how people typically want me to be some sort of fake and ask me to lie...

I despise hiding and lying with every fabric of my being, but I'm trying to find the balance between honesty and being courteous to others/discreet.
And I'm trying to be patient... but the lies hurt me more than a truth I sometimes wish wouldn't exist... And so I face this world of lies and accept the truth of its existence, even as I pray for change and hope to somehow inspire it.

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