but for now I can't stop thinking about how badly things could go. I never did before because we'd always been so amicable. I never saw myself being hated, though I suspected all along that my in-laws hated me.
I don't even know what was said, how, when or why to change anything. Only that at Christmas, there was a gift, but my birthday Colin had to force a phone call out of his dad. Then graduation, cold as ice after a horrid phone call between my mother and Colin's. To have them say one thing and act another.
Only one understands how badly it hurts me because he's seen every tear. Night after night for weeks now. Losing my boys. Everything reminding me of them. Being hated is the worst, especially when you wonder why. They are supposed to be my family, one even swore they would still be whether I kept the name or not. They all knew we were having problems, before my own parents even knew.
Everyone has known for years we weren't working out. But apparently, the moment I decide to move on, I am the enemy. It doesn't matter how long and hard I've fought to keep people from badmouthing my husband and treating him differently. If there is no other honor due him, he is the father of my children and a human being. I would like to think I am worth the same. If nothing else, I gave birth to, and have raised almost single-handedly those boys which you cherished.
By God, if you knew it all, would you still hate me? Would you see only my mistakes or remember that you don't know the whole story? You don't know much of anything. We were too good at keeping up pretenses so now, who would believe me? Why should you assume anything other than "she is a witch"?
I am not the villain people make me out to be. Just human, imperfect. Hurting and searching, but I would never do anything to put anyone in danger or intentionally cause anyone harm... And those who took the time to know the real me, know that. Your son knows that, whatever he may say in hurt or anger over both our failures. I wish someone had given you a chance... I wish I really had been given a chance.
But why should I expect anything after 7 years of hoping and waiting only to discover it's true... There isn't one set of white parents out there that likes me. If you'd met me before Colin proposed, you probably wouldn't have approved then either. I don't fit the mold anyone thinks I should, and it's always been white girls approved for the white boy. Why? I don't know, but I lost my share of potentials that way.
And it doesn't matter what game I play. People prefer lies, but I refuse to speak anything but truth anymore. I can be the total good girl and the total bad one- and yes, I have done both in my lifetime. The temptation has been to say "if my life must be full of hurt either way, give me the path of sin so I can at least have some fun," but I've chosen to attempt the straight and narrow.
Don't see it now. You won't, and I can't force you. Simply, may God have mercy on your soul when the truth becomes known for I know where I stand. And I may be human and make mistakes, but I am no cold-hearted, lost soul. I simply... am.