This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

"consequences of sin"

If I am truly forgiven all that I have repented of, then my only sin has been existing.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

It was the best of times...

So really, I have been blogging and ranting a lot as usual, just been doing more so on facebook lately as a part of my desire to stop hiding (I have been bullied back into the darkness far too many times). For the most part, things have really been looking up lately, and I only have God to thank for it. The short of it is that I have been clinging to and realizing the fullness of His grace and love like never before, and it has done wonders for my soul.
Also, Ray's ex consented to let the girls attend my younger son's birthday party last weekend (the court order was that the girls were to have a year of counseling prior to any contact with us, but mercifully- as I believe this is to the girl's benefit- she has decided to over-ride the order with her own personal consent)... There was a bit of a battle at first, yes, because of my uber honesty online. The short of it on that end was that their side is having the most difficult time dealing... family making trouble though she has been wanting to make things work, seeing the work God is doing in my heart and Ray's etc and creating drama over things like me posting pictures of the girls and calling them my future step-daughters. I have pulled back on some of that for the time being, though I know it to be the truth, and love those girls with everything in me and wish to show my pride for them every bit as much as I wish to do the same for my own. In the end, not only did she allow them to come, but brought them herself and stayed for the party. That was a very good day for me, though again, I held back a lot, not wanting to overstep any bounds yet again, but the thing is that I want her to feel like part of the family always and forever because she is (I would also like to name her Coda's godmother, but neither of us feels it's quite the time for that yet). Family for me is so much more than a piece of paper or a little DNA, though in her case, DNA proves it as the girls share both hers and Ray's just as I feel that regardless of my legal standing (my divorce is STILL being help up for the time being), my son ties us all together as well for the mixing of blood... but that is a blog unto itself.
Something changed in all of us that day... seeing my dad follow those girls around, sensing his own acceptance into our family, her admitting some stuff to Ray that I think she'd only admitted to me before and them being able to talk a lot of stuff through more thoroughly, change was visible, tangible even so that with all the challenges that have happened since, somehow we have been flooded with peace even still...
Hope is alive in there somewhere even when our church refused to help Ray after Ray's church turned him away... Even when, once his initial hurt dissolved, Ray turned to his former pastor and a former friend attempting to extend the hand of friendship, sit at the peace table and talk yet they have been ignoring his pleas... Even when his "parents" (grandparents who raised him) refuse to give us a second look still, even when situations force us to wait on their front lawn... Even when my ex's family began publicly accusing me of stuff not only completely untrue, but proving how none of them ever got to know the real me and (though I hate to), I must suspect my ex of him doing many things out of his own hurt because of how he has always reacted (he makes it look as though he is on my side and being peaceable etc yet either something comes out that only he could have said or avoiding answering specific questions that need answering etc)... despite the fact that in a few days time, I lose my only chance at redeeming myself from some debt and avoiding court simply because my debtors can't wait a month or two...
Hope is even stronger today. I won a contest last night that, in short, enabled me to extend invitation to the girls yet again on an outing and again, she consented. For a full day, it was me, Ray, my boys and his girls... and it was glorious. His youngest was finally able to open up to me, and all the kids said so many sweet things that I wished everyone else could hear... I wish that others could see this evidence of God within our lives, within the children- the peace, the love, etc and hear His truth spoken in it all. The brokenness doesn't have to be the end... and I can't wait for the world to know that, too!

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Do you have any idea what it feels like to be hated for being a victim?

By now, everyone knows I had an affair while I was married. Several in fact. But that's all anyone hears. The "A" word always becomes the defining characteristic for a person the instant that it is heard. No one ever takes a second look at the Hester Prynnes of the world anymore than most will give a second look to a murderer or a rapist. Somehow we automatically get put on the "unforgivable" list, though Biblically it is said that all sins are on the same level and only one is truly unforgivable. That last fact gets nodded at and amen'd throughout Christianity, but actions prove it is not truly believed.

At this time, I do not need to say what happened prior to things going that far, but suffice it to say I was in a world of hurt from which there seemed to be no release, and feeling unwanted, I began talking divorce with Colin. The second I did, however, people rushed at me with the same "it's taboo" attitude of what would come, condemning me, shaming me for my pain. Instead of looking to help me find healing, everyone shoved me into a corner where I cried silently until all tears were gone and I blocked out all emotion for fear of being torn apart. I was like that for a couple of years before I met a man I will call Damon.

Meeting Damon is a complicated story in itself, which I have already dramatized in a piece of fiction for a class. The way he seduced me from my emotional shell is a beautiful tale all its own, but one whose horrific ending I have never told before now. As far as everyone knows. I willingly succumbed to him fully. I did melt as he was the first person in years to give any sort of attention to me and my pain. He wasn't a Christian, so his approach to me had nothing to do with what I should do, and how I shouldn't hurt, his reaction was merely "you are worth someone listening to." The bitter end of that, however, was an affair that began because he insisted I owed something to him... In the simplest terms: he raped me. That was February 2008.

In March, I confessed to Colin out of guilt I had been convinced of, but a month after that, I discovered that he had a huge secret all his own that he had been keeping since at least November. The devastation of that betrayal led in short to more affairs, this time, willing. It wasn't until I was raped in such a violent manner that it is a miracle I survived that I began studying up on the effects and definition of rape to realize almost every experience with a guy up to a certain point was a direct emotional response of rape. I often felt that I was living outside of myself and making decisions that were not my own, and there were many instances I could not even remember. Granted, there was at least one who could claim he had no idea that I was mentally incapacitated at the time- same time, I insist he had to know as I had also been drinking to forget that very night.

I am not excusing myself away. I did make decisions of my own during this time- not every instance was rape or coercion, however, this is why I am such a huge advocate for hearing people out, not judging, loving first and all those sorts of things. It took me finally finding truly good-intentioned people for me to climb out of myself enough that I could end the cycle that had begun and let the healing begin. It is still a huge struggle because even this doesn't tell half of what I went through or how others have reacted. I cannot however help but be frustrated at those who treat me according to my sin when they could not treat me according to my hurt, which could have helped keep me from falling as far as I did for it continues even today. I hope and pray that I am stronger now that even the damage they attempt to exact will not find fruition against me.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Easy A Featurette Official (HD)

Cheesy film, I know, but I don't know that anyone will ever quite get what it meant to me in many different ways. Sure, my own indiscretions weren't all lie, but they certainly were blown out of proportion by some, and I've had the feeling my entire life... plus, I just love the parents and think they are really cool- real, funny... *sigh* I could write a blog about it, but why? At least here and now...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Love and Judgment?

Was recently asked if I think I've followed my beliefs- have I exuded the love I deem most important? Due to my nature (& the nature of the asker), it was difficult to answer positively, though I believe I have. Mistakes should not define us with no regard to our heart & the actions following.

But what do you say when being asked by one who will (likely) forever only see your mistakes, and look at you through a veil of hurt, anger, & judgment- opposite traits to their own beliefs should they really dig inside themselves to see that, without becoming accusing & battering them with a truth they are not equipped to hear? I see full well what I have done, and choose to move forward from this moment on. But, even if they have tried to play Holy Ghost/conscience in my life and beat me up with what I have done wrong, I will not do the same. It's not my place. Nor is it as meaningful a lesson learned when you do not learn it first hand.

Doing my best not to focus on how they hurt me, exacting their own revenge, yet talking themselves out of realizing that by calling it the "natural consequences" of my decisions... I've said it before and I will say it again, they cease to be natural the moment you set your hand to it. They also had the choice to react and continue to make (IMO) the wrong one, justifying themselves... I hope and I pray...

...And wonder silently to myself if my musings aloud are a form of gossip even without the detail? *sigh*... I am learning and trying like the rest of you...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Against Lies (esp. to children under the guise of "sparing them')

"The accelerated velocity of terminological inexactitude" (one of “Easy A”'s Facebook quotes of the day) fits well with my some of my thoughts today (and translates to "the speed of a rumor or lie", btw). I have been amazed at how certain things said about me spread. I do not maintain full innocence, nor full guilt, but few know everything...

Enter, again, my favorite band, TSO. “Still it's been rumored this thing must be/Why is then that you act surprised... And now you claim you are not prepared...See it rising/stare and wonder/Hear it beckon/You to dance/Feel it hold you/Take you under/I'm your god of second chance”- Mephistopheles

Yes, I know this song is really about something else entirely, yet deals with the "do we forget & erase it/pretend it never was or take the good with the bad?" question our families are currently facing... I am frustrated with hearing one person say that because of the heartache of this world, it would be better that the children had not existed (at least, this is how it sounded). No, the world is far from easy, and I wish I could take back the negative effects of mistakes I have made, but I refuse to adopt the idea that any of my children are a mistake- for me, this includes ALL of the kids: the boys from my marriage to Colin, the girls from Ray's marriage to Janet, and Coda, who will receive the brunt of it all for being the “bastard son of a peasant” if you will (“Ever After”).

I more than anyone understand the desire to save my children from the heartache of the world, and erase all the bad that happened in my past, and I don't want them growing up thinking I was ever right for how I entered into my current relationship, but having a "why?" child as obsessed with the truth as I makes everything so much easier... my decision to give my children the truth, at least. And the truth is, I want to spare them, yet I refuse to shelter them to the degree I was sheltered as a child because I now see there was more harm than good, keeping them from reality. This does not spare them heartache, but in the end creates more.

I do not wish to lie to them and send the wrong message of the world just because stuff isn't convenient any more than I want them to think I never make mistakes and neither will they... I want them to understand the devastation mistakes bring, but not leave them wallowing in hopelessness either. Life is messy and painful BUT life can be beautiful, and grace is the greatest lesson they can ever learn. Forgiveness and love are what I wish for them to come away with in the end. "After the rain, we can look to the sky again." New life AFTER the pain means a million times more than a life without pain. I am experiencing a 2nd chance I had once given up on, and no, it didn't happen the greatest way, but I see what it's being made into, and what it could yet be, and really wish I could shout the possibilities to the world and have them understand this marvelous feeling of grace.

But we are all in different places yet. I have had years of heartache to bring me to this point and I do not envy others the journey they must take if they want to come to this point as well, and I DO regret that I unwittingly played a part in exacting the pain upon them. This is part of which is untrue- that I had intention of causing pain, and do not care for anyone now. I made mistakes. I can't take them back, but I also refuse to wallow in misery and find everything broken beyond all repair. I know that we will all come out stronger in the end if we offer all this pain up to the real God of second chances & to the realization that lies and masks will not take us there, though they seem to make it all temporarily better. Love and Truth are the only things that will change us if we let them (and to me, God is both... He is “not tame, but He is good.”)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Personalities & Mediators; My Thoughts on Today

AKA: "Yes, I Will Be Nice and Remove the Barrage of Status Updates, Turning Them Instead Into an Insanely Long Blog"

Ok, I'm honest, but that doesn't mean I'm never reserved either. It's difficult to say some of the things in my heart, no matter how passionate I feel about them when I encounter people of certain personalities. Especially when all I wanna do is cry... Usually, it's just confrontational, but right now, I'm thinking also other personalities in general. I have many passions and beliefs I wish to get across, but will avoid them and attach to the things we have in common to promote peace, and avoid confrontation & tears.

I am learning all this, the more that I deal with people of other personality types, rather than avoid them altogether... For instance, today meant sitting down with Ray's ex so that we could get to know one another as it is now obvious, we are meant to be a permanent part of each other's lives. For her, she needs to know that she can trust me to be around/care for her children. For me, I'm wishing to apologize and explain- if nothing else, how much I want to be a part of their lives, not from guilt (though there certainly is that; I am not heartless) but because I'm thoroughly enamored with them.

This is something that is not easily understood. I do not “know” them, how could I love them? How does a mother love the child she has never seen, before she even feels the first kick within the womb? For me, it was much the same as that, and much as I felt a kinship with Ray from the very beginning, much as I completely gravitate toward people with certain personalities and make them my instant families/best friends, etc. If this is not enough, they are girls- which I have always longed to give birth to girls of my own (a journey of which can be better understood through my “Mom of Men” blog). They are his, a part of him, and I love him. Their personalities, much like Ray's mirrors mine, echoes the personalities of my own children. I would think that all of this combined could offer an explanation to those which would require it.

In any case feel I failed in making these points, only because they weren't really brought up. Between her questions and her personality, I felt it best to put them aside for the time being rather than scream, “I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTERS, PLEEEEASE LET ME SPEND TIME WITH THEM!” This does not mean my heart stops screaming it. And I am respecting her decisions as their mother, though I do not agree with what is thought to be best in all instances, and my heart breaks at half the words. I also know that if I said all I wished to, I would end up collapsing in a heap of tears, with the flood of emotions that constantly assaults me, particularly on this matter. I merely sat, latching onto and expounding those things which we have in common, answered what I could, and attempted to explain some things Ray has lamented to me his inability to communicate as well as his personality, of which I share much. It became obvious in the course of all this that much of what I watched them blame each other for stemmed from these personality conflicts. It is insanely difficult, in my experience, to not make assumptions so that hearts be known, and lives lived peacefully, yet not impossible.

I got to thinking about this again later in the evening, when my parents were to meet me with the boys at a walk-through nativity. Long story short, they got so lost, they couldn't even tell me where they were so that I could have an idea how to direct them. I expressed the desire to attach a tracking device to their vehicle that I could find them, and realized, the concept kinda works toward the personality issue as well. I feel there needs to be some sort of mediator between personalities that can successfully interpret both and help steer them toward each other.

As for my own personality, which Ray shares, I daresay not even many of the professionals seem capable of assessing us. The more we talked, the more I saw this, and realized it wasn't just me! This also helps me to see that I am not what is perceived, which I already know, yet tend to lose sight of when around the more aggressive, authoratative or self-sufficient types such as my mother, my last boss, or this woman. Everyone thinks they know each other, us especially because we rarely stand up to say otherwise. I am not typically this vocal in a general audience or when addressing these various personality types, which makes me grateful for blogs where I don't have to directly address any specific type and can thus simply be myself, throw caution to the wind and edit as I speak all at once, with no chance to be caught off guard. Granted, the latter part does not happen when social networking because twitter especially becomes more my venting/thinking ground and the thoughts are rarely fully developed and often highly emotional, causing me to appear irrational and ignorant. The silence-as-a-defense-mechanism/peacekeeper-approach also lends to these misconceptions.

I come across as ignorant, fearful, slothful, negative.
The other personalities tend to come off as judgmental, pushy & -strangely- also negative.
The negatives differ, yet both are based on being realistic. Realism often leads to a depressed attitude and talking through the emotions to find a positive side with myself. I always come around, but as the process repeats with every new situation, I appear constantly depressed, particularly when the emotion or silence are the only things expressed. The other is an almost careless "well, what's broken is broken and nothing can fix it" mentality that I don't fully understand. They are looking for solutions, but when they don't find the one they are looking for, they often appear to give up hope and give into the reality as a finality.

I know that neither perception is entirely true. Partly? Certainly, yet the whole story remains untold in the conflict. Assumptions are made. Lives are broken in ways that can be avoided with a little, uncomfortable effort. But who wants to get out of their comfort zone?

All I can offer up for now is this: silence does not equal intimidation or disinterest, but rather a peacekeeper attitude when addressing a more aggressive personality. I can mostly understand others, but rarely make myself understood, the biggest flaw of this personality. As an honest person though, ask, and I shall reveal the answer if the answer is mine to give. And as an artist... well, I'm trying to understand, but must admit, I hold too much hope to be as negative as I know I can appear.

As I used to always say: I am the Master's pieces, broken, but beautiful. In His hands, I know that I can become a masterpiece, whatever else it may be that I have been.

I'm looking for the stained-glass window that my dreamer side insists is a possibility. The vase that was may be broken, but as an artist, I see that this does not need to be the end of all beauty. I wish to know life as it is, but also for it's possibilities. Something was lost, yes, but WE CHOOSE to toss everything away... or be made new. Which is where my heartbreak and our disagreements came in. I will not say what words were exchanged, for that is between us, yet I feel that she has not seen much light at the end of this tunnel I unwittingly shoved her and the girls into, yet she far from lacks determination to move on. We are simply in different places in the process and approaching it from different angles. Having to learn to be patient in this time and stay away when asked are my punishment, though I feel it adds more unfairness to the innocents involved in the situation rather than spares them more heartache. Bearing it silently, and hoping & praying for the stained-glass of these new heartaches to be forged in time are all that I can do.

I also leave you with this challenge, born a bit from the classic cliché you are certain to recognize within: When life hands you lemons, do you merely juggle the lemons or flavor your life that you may savor what remains rather than focus on what does not? The choice is yours.