This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

"consequences of sin"

If I am truly forgiven all that I have repented of, then my only sin has been existing.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

It was the best of times...

So really, I have been blogging and ranting a lot as usual, just been doing more so on facebook lately as a part of my desire to stop hiding (I have been bullied back into the darkness far too many times). For the most part, things have really been looking up lately, and I only have God to thank for it. The short of it is that I have been clinging to and realizing the fullness of His grace and love like never before, and it has done wonders for my soul.
Also, Ray's ex consented to let the girls attend my younger son's birthday party last weekend (the court order was that the girls were to have a year of counseling prior to any contact with us, but mercifully- as I believe this is to the girl's benefit- she has decided to over-ride the order with her own personal consent)... There was a bit of a battle at first, yes, because of my uber honesty online. The short of it on that end was that their side is having the most difficult time dealing... family making trouble though she has been wanting to make things work, seeing the work God is doing in my heart and Ray's etc and creating drama over things like me posting pictures of the girls and calling them my future step-daughters. I have pulled back on some of that for the time being, though I know it to be the truth, and love those girls with everything in me and wish to show my pride for them every bit as much as I wish to do the same for my own. In the end, not only did she allow them to come, but brought them herself and stayed for the party. That was a very good day for me, though again, I held back a lot, not wanting to overstep any bounds yet again, but the thing is that I want her to feel like part of the family always and forever because she is (I would also like to name her Coda's godmother, but neither of us feels it's quite the time for that yet). Family for me is so much more than a piece of paper or a little DNA, though in her case, DNA proves it as the girls share both hers and Ray's just as I feel that regardless of my legal standing (my divorce is STILL being help up for the time being), my son ties us all together as well for the mixing of blood... but that is a blog unto itself.
Something changed in all of us that day... seeing my dad follow those girls around, sensing his own acceptance into our family, her admitting some stuff to Ray that I think she'd only admitted to me before and them being able to talk a lot of stuff through more thoroughly, change was visible, tangible even so that with all the challenges that have happened since, somehow we have been flooded with peace even still...
Hope is alive in there somewhere even when our church refused to help Ray after Ray's church turned him away... Even when, once his initial hurt dissolved, Ray turned to his former pastor and a former friend attempting to extend the hand of friendship, sit at the peace table and talk yet they have been ignoring his pleas... Even when his "parents" (grandparents who raised him) refuse to give us a second look still, even when situations force us to wait on their front lawn... Even when my ex's family began publicly accusing me of stuff not only completely untrue, but proving how none of them ever got to know the real me and (though I hate to), I must suspect my ex of him doing many things out of his own hurt because of how he has always reacted (he makes it look as though he is on my side and being peaceable etc yet either something comes out that only he could have said or avoiding answering specific questions that need answering etc)... despite the fact that in a few days time, I lose my only chance at redeeming myself from some debt and avoiding court simply because my debtors can't wait a month or two...
Hope is even stronger today. I won a contest last night that, in short, enabled me to extend invitation to the girls yet again on an outing and again, she consented. For a full day, it was me, Ray, my boys and his girls... and it was glorious. His youngest was finally able to open up to me, and all the kids said so many sweet things that I wished everyone else could hear... I wish that others could see this evidence of God within our lives, within the children- the peace, the love, etc and hear His truth spoken in it all. The brokenness doesn't have to be the end... and I can't wait for the world to know that, too!

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Do you have any idea what it feels like to be hated for being a victim?

By now, everyone knows I had an affair while I was married. Several in fact. But that's all anyone hears. The "A" word always becomes the defining characteristic for a person the instant that it is heard. No one ever takes a second look at the Hester Prynnes of the world anymore than most will give a second look to a murderer or a rapist. Somehow we automatically get put on the "unforgivable" list, though Biblically it is said that all sins are on the same level and only one is truly unforgivable. That last fact gets nodded at and amen'd throughout Christianity, but actions prove it is not truly believed.

At this time, I do not need to say what happened prior to things going that far, but suffice it to say I was in a world of hurt from which there seemed to be no release, and feeling unwanted, I began talking divorce with Colin. The second I did, however, people rushed at me with the same "it's taboo" attitude of what would come, condemning me, shaming me for my pain. Instead of looking to help me find healing, everyone shoved me into a corner where I cried silently until all tears were gone and I blocked out all emotion for fear of being torn apart. I was like that for a couple of years before I met a man I will call Damon.

Meeting Damon is a complicated story in itself, which I have already dramatized in a piece of fiction for a class. The way he seduced me from my emotional shell is a beautiful tale all its own, but one whose horrific ending I have never told before now. As far as everyone knows. I willingly succumbed to him fully. I did melt as he was the first person in years to give any sort of attention to me and my pain. He wasn't a Christian, so his approach to me had nothing to do with what I should do, and how I shouldn't hurt, his reaction was merely "you are worth someone listening to." The bitter end of that, however, was an affair that began because he insisted I owed something to him... In the simplest terms: he raped me. That was February 2008.

In March, I confessed to Colin out of guilt I had been convinced of, but a month after that, I discovered that he had a huge secret all his own that he had been keeping since at least November. The devastation of that betrayal led in short to more affairs, this time, willing. It wasn't until I was raped in such a violent manner that it is a miracle I survived that I began studying up on the effects and definition of rape to realize almost every experience with a guy up to a certain point was a direct emotional response of rape. I often felt that I was living outside of myself and making decisions that were not my own, and there were many instances I could not even remember. Granted, there was at least one who could claim he had no idea that I was mentally incapacitated at the time- same time, I insist he had to know as I had also been drinking to forget that very night.

I am not excusing myself away. I did make decisions of my own during this time- not every instance was rape or coercion, however, this is why I am such a huge advocate for hearing people out, not judging, loving first and all those sorts of things. It took me finally finding truly good-intentioned people for me to climb out of myself enough that I could end the cycle that had begun and let the healing begin. It is still a huge struggle because even this doesn't tell half of what I went through or how others have reacted. I cannot however help but be frustrated at those who treat me according to my sin when they could not treat me according to my hurt, which could have helped keep me from falling as far as I did for it continues even today. I hope and pray that I am stronger now that even the damage they attempt to exact will not find fruition against me.