This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Whoever was wrong...

I really gotta say, it looks bad for all of them from my angle...

Friend A APPEARS to have distributed unfounded information. Makes me question other accusations and research I have received from this person.

Friend B... well... it was a little public before facts and could use an apology, at least unless further proof can be made. Makes me wonder if I could be next.

Friend C is now covering his butt all over the internet, which makes his statements to me sound... well, like a cover-up to a friend. Makes me feel lied to. I already know some of his dirtiest little secrets, so I know what he's capable of.

Friend D... well, if there really WAS a hack attack against Friend C (I'm not sure who to believe so I don't know)... let's just say he has the know-how and believes Friend A and Friend B so wholeheartedly that I would think he would do it out of courtesy, not ill will or intent to do something illegal, which is still pretty bad I guess. Makes me feel I no longer know who he is.

I don't say this to accuse anyone of anything that APPEARS to be going on (Friend B, regardless of where she got her information cannot deny that she did what she did as proof, last I checked, still existed in full public view. Doubt she cares anyway. Who cares about anyone or anything going against their own personal agenda?). I merely say this because I am frustrated and confused still. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm trying to give them all the benefit of the doubt, but my heart isn't sure how much of this it can take. Why everything feels so personal, I don't think I will ever understand. Things certainly never felt this way before last year (at least not all the time!), and recently it feels that every bit of progress I had made in this area has disappeared. I'm trying oh so hard. But there is no trust left in me. I give more chances, but I think I'm always secretly waiting to be let down again. I hand my heart over just to cringe as I do.
I sob behind closed doors and vent less than I used to (though many think I vent more, when really I vent more about the things that matter less to my heart because I'm tired of these feelings which only get dismissed). I mean who wants to hear about me crying for my lost husband? I'm supposedly the reason he is gone, so I asked for it. Who wants to hear about me feeling betrayed? It's all my fault for internalizing everything. I'm broken. And there is no one who can fix me. I'm broken, and I don't feel anyone thinks I'm worth fixing, and sometimes... I'm not sure I am either. I can't even trust myself. I fear the breaking point coming in which I will tell every dirty little secret I know. I will lose the world if I do. I wouldn't do it because I'm any better, but sometimes I wanna remind my friends of their own humanity and how it has hurt me. I don't wanna become that person. Oh dear God in Heaven, save me!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Unsure what to do

Again I find myself caught between friends... I had such a beautifully brilliant blog written about this already, but my blackberry decided to crash and burn moments before sending so this is gonna have to be the short version. Friend A, a new friend appears to have accused Friend C of impersonation to Friend B. This has led to Friend B making those accusations public without the slightest idea of what damage would ensue to Friend C's very public (and private) life. I cannot actually accuse friend A as I have no facts and unlike friend B would not dream of exacting unknown damage for the sake of a rumor. Lots of innocent people have been hurt- hacked, emotional distress from a PTSD-sufferer and an impressionable child as well as damage to reputation- when all Friend C wanted to do was help. Furthermore, no retraction, apology, removal of accusation nor attempt to reach out to Friend c has been made though Friend C has been working feverishly to contact Friend B and clear his reputation both. I do not wish to cause any further damage, but feel this great wrong needs to be righted. It casts dark shadows upon many friendships- current and future- and upon the stories and research Friend A typically appears to put into said stories. I know that someone is lying in this, but have no idea who. I don't know where to begin to help. I feel so lost and really wish people would take better consideration of the consequences they could cause by even the most seemingly simple words and actions. I feel we are all adults and these wrongs should not have to be pointed out. I am incredibly hurt because Friend C and yet another friend loosely involved are both two of incredibly few close friends that I have left standing and I fear so much... losing more especially. This last part seems selfish, but really, this is what keeps me from knowing what I could do, I feel. I don't know who to ask about things and who should I trust over who. I hate that I feel forced to choose. I don't know how to even approach certain people- especially those I know the least... and am desperately tired of this tangled web that has sprouted from my years of involvement with the ministry I know every single one of these friends from.