This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Sunday, May 30, 2010


Caught between my desire to be open about my life- because lies are a sin to me- and my desire to stop having fingers pointed at me. I've never fit in anywhere, not entirely. So few truly accept me for me. I want to start new, but how do you do that when your past makes you who you are?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

My "Family"

I can count my "family" on two hands. All but two have chosen to be my family. I have a few friends besides- people who don't hate me, but aren't incredibly close either. My "family" at least loves me with everything within them, some despite (or is it because of?) or our pasts together... If I were to let go of every ex though, or everyone I "should" somehow not be friends with, I would have no one but my kids, and two Honor Academy friends... I suppose I should simply be grateful I have anyone.

My prayer...

... Lord, if there is nothing good left in this world, if all that exists is pain, then please, I beg of you, TAKE ME HOME!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I wrote a letter to my mother...

She started it.
Not sure if my motives were pure writing it or not. Not sure yet what the consequences of said letter will be as she has not received it yet. Lord knows I should have used more tact in the letter I wrote. *sighs* Nothing to be done now. And on one level, I think she won't understand and will reject what I have to say, but needs to hear it all the same.

What started this? She basically handed Ray a letter and told him not to let me know about it. He came inside from the encounter, fuming that she would make such a request. He wanted to know just what is it she thought of him that she would think he'd hide anything from me. Anyone who knows me knows how highly I value the truth and I have become a lot more open and even offended at the idea of hiding in recent days. Well, in short, this has rubbed off on him.

The letter essentially tells Ray that she would love to get to know him since he's taken an interest in me, but that he is going about it all wrong, hurting my reputation, and then adds stuff in the post-script that mentions his family and mine etc, telling me that her main concern is appearances. She pretty much relayed to him that she didn't want him around, the last thing she said to me... I haven't spoken directly to her since...

Instead, there is my letter...

(R.A. people will probably see hints of what my time at TMM, among other ministries has taught me... She's tried to throw TMM in my face as a sign of how far I've fallen. Unfortunately with the current hidden things of TMM that I've been learning/realizing, my only response to that ended up being: "Yes, TMM taught purity, yet the fact that they allowed a 17-year-old girl to be sexually abused and brushed it under the rug makes those teachings worthless to me." Sad, but true. This led to a new thinking when it comes to 1 Thess. 5:22)

First off, one thing needs to be made abundantly clear: in a real, true, honest relationship- as all relationships SHOULD be- it is HIGHLY offensive to tell one member to keep things secret from another. We do not operate in that way and consider such things to be the biggest detriment any relationship can face. We thereby will NEVER withhold anything from the other and we kindly ask that you never even consider such a request again.
That being said, we already know everything you have to say, which is why I asked that you not say them to begin with. It isn't that I want to shut you out or keep you from expressing your opinion, but the problem is that people think they will be telling us something we do not know. You raised me better than to believe I do not know right from wrong. I never said I did not know adultery was wrong. If you would have noted the tone when we had that conversation, you would've noticed what I said was said in sarcasm. I said it then and I repeat: none of this is new to us, but we see things in a different light than the rest of the world does. That, however, is not a conversation for this time or place. It is difficult to speak to people who have only one thing in mind.
My reputation has not be sullied as you would surmise. You would in fact see progress back to who I once was, only with a greater understanding of how to reach a new group of people that I ever had before, if you could but see how far I have come. If you knew the life I led before, you would know that this is the “least” of my sins, not that God considers any sin greater or lesser than another. The lies of the church are as great a sin as that of murder, hate and adultery. This is why I won't play the appearances game. I believe, particularly from my experiences with the unchurched, that the truest meaning to “avoid the appearance of evil” is to not pretend you have no faults, or pretend everything is OK when it's not. Nonbelievers aren't stupid enough to think that we are faultless (being faultless and blameless in His sight are again two very different things), will see right through us, and reject us AND the message we bring as a result. Who wants to trust a liar?
I get that you think it's OK, and want to play the appearances game, but this is a a game I am far from willing to play. Saying that you don't want him around until I am at least divorced, considering last you knew I could be waiting seven years to be able to file for abandonment on Colin's part, is the same as saying you want me to live a lie for the next seven years. As I am unwilling to commit that sin in conjunction with any other I might commit, it is the same as saying you don't want me around for seven years either.
That in mind, you will get your wish. You either love me and accept me for who I am as Christ dictated, or you don't. The way I see it, you don't. True love places no conditions on another. True love does not ask for the one they love to do anything they are unwilling. True love does not force their own values on another and in that regard, I will not force my way into your life, I will not rape or sully YOUR precious reputation, apparently valued higher than the people in your life, yet I will not allow you to force yourself upon me either. I will then remove myself and my property from yours and you can go on pretending as if the dirty little whore you gave birth to never existed. This is what your words say you want. This is how the unchurched takes the actions of the church. I know from experience dealing with the unchurched these past few years on the new mission field God placed me on. I know I am called to reach those the rest of the church makes feel this way. I've said it to others and now I say it to you, if home had been a welcoming place, there might have been a return home. Instead, you burn bridges and I shake the dust off my feet and move on.
I know you won't understand where I am coming from as this does not fit your world view, but I have known for quite some time that my place is not here, yet I was once willing to play the game and lost myself as a result. I did what others asked of me, rather than what God asked of me which led me to places you would understand even less. Know, however, that I am at least close to the right path now if not quite on it yet and allow me to listen to HIM this time. I need to hear Him, not everyone's interpretation of Him.
Take into account as well every prophecy you have been there for and you will see clearly that the one I am meant to be with is not Colin, and God does not change His mind because I try to take matters into my own hands and step ahead of Him as I did with Colin. Remember that last prophecy from Tom Terry and know that that morning I prayed if the Lord had something to say to me that He would say it in a way I knew was Him, not like the “words” the ministerial staff had been giving me, obviously based off things they had read online concerning my life. He essentially offered the same word as from my youth, which confirmed to me I was not where I belonged. Man would never tell me to divorce because man likes to forget God gave provision for it.
I know from speaking to Terry directly that his awkwardly-delivered retraction was not his idea, nor did he believe it was of God to try and connect an interpretation of that word to my marriage. He offered to give a public apology, but I did not allow that, knowing Pastor John would never approve of something which could sully his own reputation that way. The church is far too concerned with how they LOOK to focus on how they ARE. In any case, I do not believe that a “covenant” made under duress is any more binding than confession made under duress. The court of law will throw out statements that were coerced, and I believe God gives us what man will and then some. I do not consider myself bound to a sham, regardless of how many people the joke was performed before, and know that above all, God knows my heart and He is all I need.
Trust that you trained me to hear His voice if you can trust nothing else, and maybe, just maybe you will see things a little differently. If not, you should at least have some sort of peace that I will find Him again and leave me to seeking Him again, rather than being pushed toward Him. Leave it to the Lord to draw me to Him, and don't get in the way of that.

Monday, May 17, 2010

One of Those Days

This is one of those days where I don't feel I know up from down. The religion I grew up with, and those who still believe that way, would say everything I am experiencing now is supposedly something akin to "the natural consequence" of my sin. That's a phrase that his soon-to-be ex-wife likes to use.
"Who's ex what huh?" I know... I'm not likely to encounter anyone who actually knows my life on here so I probably oughta figure out a way to get some back-story in. Difficult though, when you know how fast my life tends to move. I guess let's just say that after another one of my ministry phases, I hit another one of those "lost" phases, and to hear a lot of people tell it by how I live now, I'm STILL lost... perhaps even more lost than ever. But so few know the full story. And even fewer know my heart.
This most recent part happened since my last blog. Yes, that quickly. The short of it is I met a man who ached so horribly to hear my story told, he decided I was worth pursuing, despite the wife and daughters. (This is the part I lose whatever audience I might've had, right?) I will never say I had no fault in that, or blame all my hurts for the life I now know... these were the agents, yet the decision was mine. I have been both the abuser and the abused. The one left, and the one leaving or inspiring others to leave. And before you think I just got what I deserved and was hurt because of the hurt I caused, bear in mind that my abuses came first. If anything, I hurt back out of reaction, and yet again think that would've had to have been on a level for which I was unaware as I have rarely intentioned hurt on anyone's behalf.
In any case, I was swimming in a world of hurt, from the Year from Hades, when Ray sought me out. Well, he was seeking, though not necessarily for me. Like many men in the world, he was unfulfilled in his marriage, in more ways than one, the type of man I always seem to attract... only in the end, let's just say I am not the chosen one. Thanked perhaps, but not chosen...
As a woman, I have this way of knowing what women really mean/want at times so that sometimes I end up helping them work things out with their lover/spouse by pointing stuff out/translating/offering suggestions. Other times I simply help them realize just how deep their dissatisfaction runs so they can see where it is they need to go from there. They may for a small season value my understanding of men's needs and desires and think they have feelings for me, but rarely does that lead to too much. Yes, I have had affairs. Yes, I've hoped to keep some of them, too. We have desires the other can fulfill, if only for a season (NOT just sex!), but it's not enough. As I have said a lot over the years, I have been loved, but never loved enough (to take it to the last level- whether he was single or married when I met him). I married, too, but long story short, he proved time and again that I was just the first girl to give him a second thought, and even when he swore he wanted to fight for what we had, he never actually did that. I gave up. I moved on. I always do. Rape my body and soul. I still eventually move on.
In any case, he saw it all and not only was dissatisfied or thought that I could give him what he sought, but mourned for me as few will... many, many factors, really. Ultimately, he decided he loved me, and wanted to prove to me there was someone who would choose me. And so, at my expressing my deep dissatisfaction for the Lie (I have a hatred for lies than runs far deeper than the average human's), when I said that I wouldn't be someone's dirty little secret again, he surprised me by telling her he wanted me. Straight up. I had been speaking to him a week and a half when he decided this, had known him in person one week exactly when he chose me (before that it was "if only I'd met you first" and me nudging him to remember her, consider his family). I soon saw his mind was set. Easily done when he decided to tell her at the Beth Moore simulcast I was attending at his church (which wasn't planned, by the way, someone switched my ticket on me, unknowingly, to his church last second, and I felt that were a sign that I was meant to be there). He went straight from telling her, to packing his stuff up and moving out. No one had ever done such a thing for me.
It's been three weeks now. Three insane weeks. The hard part wasn't just that he was shunned by his church and his family, but that they have insisted on hurting us as they have been hurt under the guise of it being "natural consequences" rather their own spite (it ceases to be "natural" the moment you set your hand to it!)... this includes hurting his daughters and my sons, attempting to get my pastor to boot us from my congregation as well, badmouthing us on Facebook, preaching at us both online, and worse, harassing us in real life. I would rather they left us to the hell they claim to have damned us to (as if the power were theirs!) than coming to my apartment to stir up trouble. And you can hurt me all you want, but touch our children and the bear comes alive within me!
It's been strange to watch their hate-filled reactions (despite words saying there is only love, actions prove otherwise), especially when set against the backdrop of love displayed by my husband (due to lovely little California laws and other familial complications, we can't actually get legally divorced yet) and many of my closest friends who know me in all of this, and love me, in spite of my faults. If this hatred were so natural, and a consequence for sin, then why is it not coming at us from every side, inescapably?
This doesn't even touch the tip of the ice-burg of emotion in all of this, but believe me when I say that I have the utmost love and compassion for his daughters, but know not how to make that known. Such beautiful girls! I've attempted to get him to leave me for their sake, but to no avail. Instead he has begged me that he not lose me, too, because of their harassment and their mistreatment of those beauties, instead to let them take their sin, which they mount upon ours, into their own hands.

The part that is most difficult for us right now, and I'm most uncertain how to handle, is the living situation, his pending divorce and the fact that mine can't also be pending.... particularly now that he has lost his income (just today), my landlord thinks it's OK to harass us, and try and evict us based solely on his intolerance to our decisions (though he does not even know us!) and the fact that I have known for quite some time that I am meant to move clear across the country sometime after I graduate this Friday. 1) I don't have the money to make that move (any more than I any longer have the funds to stay here), a place to really stay/way to make a living once I get there AND 2) this would mean a possible six-month separation for us as he has to wait for his divorce to finalize before he can join me. He does not want me to leave, but I feel God knew we needed this time apart as these were my marching orders per se long before I even met Ray. It's something I felt I was told to do 18 months ago, a plan that has not changed simply because of him. I guess if it truly is of God, He will make it happen. And perhaps this is what we need to prove the naysayers either right or wrong... only God knows where fallen man can be led when they turn back to Him... Think what you will, my life rests in His hands, for He knows my heart...