This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I wrote a letter to my mother...

She started it.
Not sure if my motives were pure writing it or not. Not sure yet what the consequences of said letter will be as she has not received it yet. Lord knows I should have used more tact in the letter I wrote. *sighs* Nothing to be done now. And on one level, I think she won't understand and will reject what I have to say, but needs to hear it all the same.

What started this? She basically handed Ray a letter and told him not to let me know about it. He came inside from the encounter, fuming that she would make such a request. He wanted to know just what is it she thought of him that she would think he'd hide anything from me. Anyone who knows me knows how highly I value the truth and I have become a lot more open and even offended at the idea of hiding in recent days. Well, in short, this has rubbed off on him.

The letter essentially tells Ray that she would love to get to know him since he's taken an interest in me, but that he is going about it all wrong, hurting my reputation, and then adds stuff in the post-script that mentions his family and mine etc, telling me that her main concern is appearances. She pretty much relayed to him that she didn't want him around, the last thing she said to me... I haven't spoken directly to her since...

Instead, there is my letter...

(R.A. people will probably see hints of what my time at TMM, among other ministries has taught me... She's tried to throw TMM in my face as a sign of how far I've fallen. Unfortunately with the current hidden things of TMM that I've been learning/realizing, my only response to that ended up being: "Yes, TMM taught purity, yet the fact that they allowed a 17-year-old girl to be sexually abused and brushed it under the rug makes those teachings worthless to me." Sad, but true. This led to a new thinking when it comes to 1 Thess. 5:22)

First off, one thing needs to be made abundantly clear: in a real, true, honest relationship- as all relationships SHOULD be- it is HIGHLY offensive to tell one member to keep things secret from another. We do not operate in that way and consider such things to be the biggest detriment any relationship can face. We thereby will NEVER withhold anything from the other and we kindly ask that you never even consider such a request again.
That being said, we already know everything you have to say, which is why I asked that you not say them to begin with. It isn't that I want to shut you out or keep you from expressing your opinion, but the problem is that people think they will be telling us something we do not know. You raised me better than to believe I do not know right from wrong. I never said I did not know adultery was wrong. If you would have noted the tone when we had that conversation, you would've noticed what I said was said in sarcasm. I said it then and I repeat: none of this is new to us, but we see things in a different light than the rest of the world does. That, however, is not a conversation for this time or place. It is difficult to speak to people who have only one thing in mind.
My reputation has not be sullied as you would surmise. You would in fact see progress back to who I once was, only with a greater understanding of how to reach a new group of people that I ever had before, if you could but see how far I have come. If you knew the life I led before, you would know that this is the “least” of my sins, not that God considers any sin greater or lesser than another. The lies of the church are as great a sin as that of murder, hate and adultery. This is why I won't play the appearances game. I believe, particularly from my experiences with the unchurched, that the truest meaning to “avoid the appearance of evil” is to not pretend you have no faults, or pretend everything is OK when it's not. Nonbelievers aren't stupid enough to think that we are faultless (being faultless and blameless in His sight are again two very different things), will see right through us, and reject us AND the message we bring as a result. Who wants to trust a liar?
I get that you think it's OK, and want to play the appearances game, but this is a a game I am far from willing to play. Saying that you don't want him around until I am at least divorced, considering last you knew I could be waiting seven years to be able to file for abandonment on Colin's part, is the same as saying you want me to live a lie for the next seven years. As I am unwilling to commit that sin in conjunction with any other I might commit, it is the same as saying you don't want me around for seven years either.
That in mind, you will get your wish. You either love me and accept me for who I am as Christ dictated, or you don't. The way I see it, you don't. True love places no conditions on another. True love does not ask for the one they love to do anything they are unwilling. True love does not force their own values on another and in that regard, I will not force my way into your life, I will not rape or sully YOUR precious reputation, apparently valued higher than the people in your life, yet I will not allow you to force yourself upon me either. I will then remove myself and my property from yours and you can go on pretending as if the dirty little whore you gave birth to never existed. This is what your words say you want. This is how the unchurched takes the actions of the church. I know from experience dealing with the unchurched these past few years on the new mission field God placed me on. I know I am called to reach those the rest of the church makes feel this way. I've said it to others and now I say it to you, if home had been a welcoming place, there might have been a return home. Instead, you burn bridges and I shake the dust off my feet and move on.
I know you won't understand where I am coming from as this does not fit your world view, but I have known for quite some time that my place is not here, yet I was once willing to play the game and lost myself as a result. I did what others asked of me, rather than what God asked of me which led me to places you would understand even less. Know, however, that I am at least close to the right path now if not quite on it yet and allow me to listen to HIM this time. I need to hear Him, not everyone's interpretation of Him.
Take into account as well every prophecy you have been there for and you will see clearly that the one I am meant to be with is not Colin, and God does not change His mind because I try to take matters into my own hands and step ahead of Him as I did with Colin. Remember that last prophecy from Tom Terry and know that that morning I prayed if the Lord had something to say to me that He would say it in a way I knew was Him, not like the “words” the ministerial staff had been giving me, obviously based off things they had read online concerning my life. He essentially offered the same word as from my youth, which confirmed to me I was not where I belonged. Man would never tell me to divorce because man likes to forget God gave provision for it.
I know from speaking to Terry directly that his awkwardly-delivered retraction was not his idea, nor did he believe it was of God to try and connect an interpretation of that word to my marriage. He offered to give a public apology, but I did not allow that, knowing Pastor John would never approve of something which could sully his own reputation that way. The church is far too concerned with how they LOOK to focus on how they ARE. In any case, I do not believe that a “covenant” made under duress is any more binding than confession made under duress. The court of law will throw out statements that were coerced, and I believe God gives us what man will and then some. I do not consider myself bound to a sham, regardless of how many people the joke was performed before, and know that above all, God knows my heart and He is all I need.
Trust that you trained me to hear His voice if you can trust nothing else, and maybe, just maybe you will see things a little differently. If not, you should at least have some sort of peace that I will find Him again and leave me to seeking Him again, rather than being pushed toward Him. Leave it to the Lord to draw me to Him, and don't get in the way of that.

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