This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Monday, May 17, 2010

One of Those Days

This is one of those days where I don't feel I know up from down. The religion I grew up with, and those who still believe that way, would say everything I am experiencing now is supposedly something akin to "the natural consequence" of my sin. That's a phrase that his soon-to-be ex-wife likes to use.
"Who's ex what huh?" I know... I'm not likely to encounter anyone who actually knows my life on here so I probably oughta figure out a way to get some back-story in. Difficult though, when you know how fast my life tends to move. I guess let's just say that after another one of my ministry phases, I hit another one of those "lost" phases, and to hear a lot of people tell it by how I live now, I'm STILL lost... perhaps even more lost than ever. But so few know the full story. And even fewer know my heart.
This most recent part happened since my last blog. Yes, that quickly. The short of it is I met a man who ached so horribly to hear my story told, he decided I was worth pursuing, despite the wife and daughters. (This is the part I lose whatever audience I might've had, right?) I will never say I had no fault in that, or blame all my hurts for the life I now know... these were the agents, yet the decision was mine. I have been both the abuser and the abused. The one left, and the one leaving or inspiring others to leave. And before you think I just got what I deserved and was hurt because of the hurt I caused, bear in mind that my abuses came first. If anything, I hurt back out of reaction, and yet again think that would've had to have been on a level for which I was unaware as I have rarely intentioned hurt on anyone's behalf.
In any case, I was swimming in a world of hurt, from the Year from Hades, when Ray sought me out. Well, he was seeking, though not necessarily for me. Like many men in the world, he was unfulfilled in his marriage, in more ways than one, the type of man I always seem to attract... only in the end, let's just say I am not the chosen one. Thanked perhaps, but not chosen...
As a woman, I have this way of knowing what women really mean/want at times so that sometimes I end up helping them work things out with their lover/spouse by pointing stuff out/translating/offering suggestions. Other times I simply help them realize just how deep their dissatisfaction runs so they can see where it is they need to go from there. They may for a small season value my understanding of men's needs and desires and think they have feelings for me, but rarely does that lead to too much. Yes, I have had affairs. Yes, I've hoped to keep some of them, too. We have desires the other can fulfill, if only for a season (NOT just sex!), but it's not enough. As I have said a lot over the years, I have been loved, but never loved enough (to take it to the last level- whether he was single or married when I met him). I married, too, but long story short, he proved time and again that I was just the first girl to give him a second thought, and even when he swore he wanted to fight for what we had, he never actually did that. I gave up. I moved on. I always do. Rape my body and soul. I still eventually move on.
In any case, he saw it all and not only was dissatisfied or thought that I could give him what he sought, but mourned for me as few will... many, many factors, really. Ultimately, he decided he loved me, and wanted to prove to me there was someone who would choose me. And so, at my expressing my deep dissatisfaction for the Lie (I have a hatred for lies than runs far deeper than the average human's), when I said that I wouldn't be someone's dirty little secret again, he surprised me by telling her he wanted me. Straight up. I had been speaking to him a week and a half when he decided this, had known him in person one week exactly when he chose me (before that it was "if only I'd met you first" and me nudging him to remember her, consider his family). I soon saw his mind was set. Easily done when he decided to tell her at the Beth Moore simulcast I was attending at his church (which wasn't planned, by the way, someone switched my ticket on me, unknowingly, to his church last second, and I felt that were a sign that I was meant to be there). He went straight from telling her, to packing his stuff up and moving out. No one had ever done such a thing for me.
It's been three weeks now. Three insane weeks. The hard part wasn't just that he was shunned by his church and his family, but that they have insisted on hurting us as they have been hurt under the guise of it being "natural consequences" rather their own spite (it ceases to be "natural" the moment you set your hand to it!)... this includes hurting his daughters and my sons, attempting to get my pastor to boot us from my congregation as well, badmouthing us on Facebook, preaching at us both online, and worse, harassing us in real life. I would rather they left us to the hell they claim to have damned us to (as if the power were theirs!) than coming to my apartment to stir up trouble. And you can hurt me all you want, but touch our children and the bear comes alive within me!
It's been strange to watch their hate-filled reactions (despite words saying there is only love, actions prove otherwise), especially when set against the backdrop of love displayed by my husband (due to lovely little California laws and other familial complications, we can't actually get legally divorced yet) and many of my closest friends who know me in all of this, and love me, in spite of my faults. If this hatred were so natural, and a consequence for sin, then why is it not coming at us from every side, inescapably?
This doesn't even touch the tip of the ice-burg of emotion in all of this, but believe me when I say that I have the utmost love and compassion for his daughters, but know not how to make that known. Such beautiful girls! I've attempted to get him to leave me for their sake, but to no avail. Instead he has begged me that he not lose me, too, because of their harassment and their mistreatment of those beauties, instead to let them take their sin, which they mount upon ours, into their own hands.

The part that is most difficult for us right now, and I'm most uncertain how to handle, is the living situation, his pending divorce and the fact that mine can't also be pending.... particularly now that he has lost his income (just today), my landlord thinks it's OK to harass us, and try and evict us based solely on his intolerance to our decisions (though he does not even know us!) and the fact that I have known for quite some time that I am meant to move clear across the country sometime after I graduate this Friday. 1) I don't have the money to make that move (any more than I any longer have the funds to stay here), a place to really stay/way to make a living once I get there AND 2) this would mean a possible six-month separation for us as he has to wait for his divorce to finalize before he can join me. He does not want me to leave, but I feel God knew we needed this time apart as these were my marching orders per se long before I even met Ray. It's something I felt I was told to do 18 months ago, a plan that has not changed simply because of him. I guess if it truly is of God, He will make it happen. And perhaps this is what we need to prove the naysayers either right or wrong... only God knows where fallen man can be led when they turn back to Him... Think what you will, my life rests in His hands, for He knows my heart...

1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you as I was in a circumstance similar. You've read my blog.

    Know this - amidst the sorrow, the sin, the circumstance, God is there with you.

    I don't judge you and only hope the best for your soul and your future. People don't understand how difficult things can get but it's easy for people to judge.

    I hurt for you, I do. Know that you have someone praying for you.

    Psalm 56:8