This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I don't think it's fair

... that people are full of assumptions about my character. Have I always been pure? No. This does not mean, however, that if a married man took notice of me, that I pursued him. Unfortunately for me, I've always attracted jerks and married men. One such man attends my church.
The long story short was that I worked on a worship team with him. I was attracted to him, yes. He is an older man (I've always loved older men, dating one 18 1/2 & another over 30 years older), a musician (as a musician, I tend to fall for them!), and has a darling accent that reminded me of my first love. I shrugged it aside though, knowing he was a very happily married man. It did not help that hearing him rant and rave about the girl whose place I essentially took led me to believe he had a thing for her and I figured if he was gonna risk anything with his wife, it would be with this girl. With some stuff I know about them both, I wouldn't assume they have already done something, yet wouldn't be surprised either. I mean, if that is what people think of me, the same could readily be assumed about them...
He started following me. Everywhere. He'd have dinner with me at church, we'd rehearse, sing, he'd then join me at my table for the general message and split off only when he had to go to the men's meeting and I to the women's. Afterward, even when I tried to find other people to hang out with, he'd STILL follow me. It started to get to me. He brought his wife and son to my son's birthday party... to follow me around at the party, too. It finally got to be too much one day he came up to me and said that he had someone else leading the next week, but that I should still come or he would "attack" me. Mind you that when he said this he also dropped his voice and his eyes swept down my body. A chill swept through me. Fortunately at that moment, someone walked through the hall and I took that moment to make my escape. I think with how he had been acting, and by my experiences with other men, had that person not walked in as he said he would attack me, that he would have made some sort of move... Yet, I know I also have a witness. If only I could remember who that person was!!! I would quite like to prove it...
I know he knows what he did because when I caught him again in the hallway later, I told him (acting at least as if I were giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he should watch his words because they didn't sound right when heard by the wrong person. He agreed and continued following me. Finally, I told him I was considering leaving the group, in part because of the incident and he just silently nodded. He half maintained his distance after I came back, but I made it known when he started again, plain as day in an email just why I had quit. He made the claim at that point that nothing had ever transpired and that he hoped I felt "safe" in order to continue attending. I didn't speak to him when he followed me again the next week. He finally started leaving me alone. We eventually seemed to move past it all and become cordial again and I'd hoped I could rejoin the team. I am desperate to play music again, but his "reason" now is that everyone wants on the team, and he can't have too many people. Yet they keep adding people. I am the only bassist that attends this service, but he would rather have 3 guitarists, a drummer and a keyboardist and call in this other girl when they want a female singer (despite that she no longer attends this group). He's been ignoring me since I got together with Ray. He and his family started going to other services at church. And Sunday, I saw his wife for the first time in a long time, and while she spoke to me, she had the kind of "let's move quickly, I'm only saying hi to be polite but I secretly blame you and hate your guts" tone. This was after they decided to not go to my son's birthday party this year... by the way he made excuses for it, I figure she heard about the email and told him they couldn't go to the party.
I know, it seems like a lot of assumptions... But I know the stuff I say in recovery group doesn't stay in recovery, even though it's supposed to... I have a sixth sense about these kind of things... and I know that while the church in general accepts me, I know what most individual people think of me because of Ray. Or because I call people on their BS (ie: calling this guy on what he was doing or pressing charges against one of my rapists). And I know how to read women in general, and often know why they act the way they do.
Nobody wants to readily believe their man has flirted with someone else, cheated on them, etc. They are readily willing to blame the other person for his downfall. And nobody listens, cares or believes, but I'd like to go on record as saying, I DON'T PURSUE THEM! I DO attempt to deflect them. And it doesn't always work. Sometimes, I just end up with the short end of the stick. It's easy to blame the woman. Especially when she's not the purest. But even whores say no then get blamed for the rape. Men love to say "she asked for it." No is still no, whether part of her wants it or not...

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Poem of Night

Daylight prompts the eyelids close
As heat puts on cheeks a summer rose
Wilted, I climb into bed
The blinding light annoying my head

What fool would wake in this which tires?
Darkness is my true desire
In the cool shall I live
To the light of the stars my heart give

It's not within me to hold direct gaze with the sun
Let it zap my energy and ruin my fun
No give me moonlight, reflections of love
For this is what my heart's made of

I love the sun- He's life to me
Of my affections be not deceived
But far too much kills, as in far too little we fall
In the night He's still lord of all
And gentler, kinder
Here I am free
To gaze in His light and still be

Shadowlands we dwell in
Not dark, rather shade
Until the time full brilliance
Can be to us displayed

Shadowvoice I am
A whisper in a temporal plane
Yet I still speak
I remain

If you listen past the pain you may see
There is much good still left in me

This one is incredibly difficult to explain the source of since it mostly kinda came, and like many of my ramblings, takes on very different sources, but I suppose I will try and explain some day. Kinda started out with how I would much rather sleep during the day and live through nights- it's always been this way for me... merged into thoughts of C.S. Lewis taking on an owl's perspective in one of his Narnian tales, where the owl thinks those who stumble around in the blinding light of day the fools and ended up somewhere in those thoughts of how dark I am said to be, yet how I believe I still walk in the light, merely a different side of it... If anyone has questions or ideas of how I can expand the explanation, let me know!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Frustration as I try to end the cycles

Sorry my blog isn't a neat little, wrapped up, easy-to-follow story. I've tried telling my life story in that manner time and time again, but it's incredibly difficult when stuff keeps happening... and when some memories I've repressed, and it takes either a trigger or intense concentration to even remember... and then remembering does other things...
I've been attempting to write my HA story out, but... well, it's much the same as essentially 14 of my 27 years are so wrapped up in Teen Mania experiences, from watching ATF TV and God using it to spare my life as a teenager, to the girl who keeps falling for friends from my many years in the ministry, only to have them use and abuse me.
*sigh* That's the major down-side to telling my story anywhere. And I keep trying... then running. Because the telling hurts, and whenever I start to find healing and make my life right again, two sets of people ultimately come along...
1)The people who "love" you, want to help you, rescue you, lead you, guide you, etc because they feel for you... they feel for you until they feel you up. The frustrating thing is I was able to be raped as many times as I have because of this. If I seem cold and callous some days, it's because I'm working so hard on being less trusting because I'm finding out a lot of people simply aren't worth my trust. 1st rape, long story short I felt I deserved. 2nd time this guy did this was a complicated thing, but I made sure the men in my life knew where I was coming from if they wanted to date me. Big mistake. I somehow believed Mark when he said he couldn't believe the guy would do that, how horrible blah blah and then he does it himself, in the most violent way of any of those who've attacked me, and this one was the most scarring. You'd think I'd learn after that, especially in all the other betrayals that followed, but I trusted a friend from the ministry because he looked good, pure and I thought I could because I know (or thought I knew) the teachings of the ministry until he was able to do the same. I retreated from the world then. I went from over 400 friends on Facebook to 24 people I felt I KNEW I could trust... people who didn't fall or seem like they could fall in category 1 or 2...
2)The people who do nothing more than preach at you in a condemning way or abandon you because they know you have issues. Unless you do things exactly as they think you should, they don't believe that you want to make things right and blame you for everything that goes wrong. I've been being harassed by one such man lately. I changed facebook profiles and blocked him on one only to have him follow me and begin harassing me again. I want to get a restraining order, but as this one guy is a former friend of Ray's, I find myself hesitating again.
Some days, I think I'm too nice. Same time, I don't believe in vengeance. I'm not sure I know the difference between that and defending/protecting myself.
Tons more I could vent about but I don't feel like looking for a connection, so perhaps another blog...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Rant on Ranting, Truth and Communication

I really wonder where people get their ideas about me. As I said elsewhere, I understand how certain people who never had the chance to know the real me can think things about me. What I don't understand is how people who know me could ever believe the things they've heard... or tell the lies that they have. Not all is a lie, but is conveniently guarded to the whole truth... The best lies have enough of the truth in them to be believable...
Why can't things just be worked out? I mean, why do humans seem incapable of just telling each other (in a non-condescending/blaming way) when they have a problem with each other?

I guess my rants kinda seem the same- blaming, judging others... Often, my rants are simply me trying to work it all out- figure out where I went wrong, spout how it seems to me from my side of things, sort out and express my feelings all at once. I don't really know what else to do when stuff happens and I'm not even owed an explanation at least... I've tried to go before the people I have issues with- usually. Sometimes, I rant trying to figure out what I wanna try and say. Some people- like the one who raped me the most violently (there have been 3 so it can get confusing, I know)- I can't go to them at all and have to try and figure out how to resolve all that is within me on my own. What do you do when the people you love and once loved you don't even accept a hug or a hi and you're never even clear why? I often don't know where else to turn when there isn't proper communication between both sides... Writing is often the only therapy I am left with.

I can't change if I don't know where I'm wrong. But like I said, my frustration is that people can't be honest enough about what they think, so it's hard for me to pin-point where things went wrong... Of course, the flip-side is some are so busy sharing their side that they never take a moment to hear mine.

I think if we could see each others' side of things, the world would appear less hateful and hopeless. I think I'd be filled with less despair if I could see that everyone who hurt me didn't do it because they were just being hateful or because I'm the scum of the earth. For all I've done wrong, I know the latter isn't true. I know my own heart, but it can be easy to lose sight of that when all you ever hear is otherwise. I believe the former can't be true either. Hate might be a part of human nature, but I think in all honesty, a lot of it is simply miscommunication. I've had my share of fights with friends that when all was said and done, we end up crying in each other's arms, truly apologetic for all that was done wrong- for shouting more than listening, for hurting each other and being hurt over something entirely misconceived. Many times the truth still hurts, is still unfair, but suddenly we can understand and open up doors to forgiveness, find ways to help rather than hinder, etc. As I like to say: the truth doesn't have to be pretty, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be the truth.

I am a truthseeker. I always have been. And as an artist, and a writer... well, I often seek truth with rants. Sometimes it's longing for what I know to be true to be heard. It comes across as complaints, and sometimes it is- a way to let off steam to a world who doesn't really know me or who I rant about anyway. Those who claim to be hurt by me don't seem to realize I felt hurt by them too, and I'm tired of feeling unheard and misunderstood. Even my complaints often have a dual purpose though. I don't want to just complain. I have a heart to work things out... and for things to stop being so one-sided.
Sometimes, too, I just wanna put voice to my fears or pain, either because I'm hoping someone might be able to help me or maybe I will be able to help myself. We all know how hearing something out loud can change our perspective. Sometimes hearing it aloud helps me work through what might be rational... or not. Some days I'm able to see what I said and say "ok that was dumb."
Others, I like the poetry of the pain. I think it's beautiful, and I've had the honor of being told time and again by others that expressing something encouraged them- that they were not alone, that pain can be made into beauty, to move on when things are rough because I did- whatever, I've heard a lot. And so I keep writing, hoping to somehow help.
Maybe someone who knows we're having an issue, but wouldn't hear me in person might feel safer reading my heart on the matter. I keep hoping we could come to some sort of understanding and forgiveness... I keep wishing I could hear your side and at least understand why you hate me, if not work it out altogether.
Or maybe someone I don't even know can at least learn something from my pain that might somehow spare them their own. Maybe my bad decisions can keep someone else from making the same one.
Something's gotta give...
Maybe I hope for and care too much. I firmly believe in giving everyone a chance and a voice, not just my friends. It's those who abuse the chance I turn from. Even then, I don't want to, just feel I must. I cannot love others if I cannot love myself, and if someone who does not love me keeps me from loving me... well... what else is to be done, but at least wait until I am stronger, more capable of staying firmly rooted into the truth before facing a storm?


I feel like something inside me has died and refuses to live again.
I have way too much love in my heart, make myself thoroughly vulnerable to people who tend to abuse my trust and hurt me where I'm most vulnerable. I grow weaker with every jab. And I grieve for a lifetime... And feel as if I'm 70 inside, just waiting for my time to finally come. Relief, peace... Parts of me grow stronger, where other parts of me grow weaker. I keep saying "enough is enough" to everyone who uses me, but unable to truly let anyone go, a part of me says, "don't go..."
And I only look the part of the liar. How can anyone believe I meant an "I love you" when I appear to move on so easily? It's easy for me to find someone else to give my heart to, but that hardly means I let the last person go. I don't know that I ever truly can. Love stores up, and with it, my grief. Is there a relief? I've said before that I long for death, but I don't. I just long to be the cold, callous person people think I am. I can put up a good front and appear hardened, but it is glass... You could look straight through me if you tried, and you can shatter my heart into a million tears if you would test the strength of my resolve.
I long for a freedom I don't think was ever meant for a lover/artist...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

It's hard to love yourself when others hate you

And I hate who I've become. I wasn't always this way...
Long story short, I lashed out at another friend in my grief. I'm trying not to talk about it a lot, because I know people are fed up with hearing about the hard parts in my life, same time, I really need to vent... I haven't yet met but one person who seems to understand, even though I've come to discover that a lot of people I know have been rape (or other sort of abuse) victims... Thankfully, at least my boyfriend and my best friend listen to me attempt to explain...

I mean really, how do you explain to someone that everything bad that happens in your life falls back in your mind to a horrific moment of rape? Even things you don't normally associate with it, finds a root in that moment. Every little hurt becomes compacted, one with the pain of that moment... Who knew 5 minutes could destroy you for a lifetime?
I get it. I get why no one wants to be my friend anymore. It's made me a monster. When every pain gets confused with that one, small hurts tantamount to full-force grief and anger becomes unleashed. Anger with myself that I let it happen. Anger with myself for loving him. Anger with myself for not going to the cops sooner because I wanted to be... nice. Anger at myself for always having let myself be the doormat that way, never standing up for myself until now. Anger for everyone that dropped me when I did. Anger that I did... whatever it was I did to prompt him to do this. Anger that so many so often think hurting someone like me like this is ok. So much anger. So much grief. The list is truly endless.
And all I want is to forget. Forget being made the fool. Forget what that betrayal feels like.
But someone always seems to bring it up by making me feel the fool for have chosen them as friends. I get that they can't understand or have any desire to deal with it, and so I forgive them for being human. But... well... they somehow get to get off scot-free and I don't. I don't ever get to be human- normal- again. Because I can't make what seems rational in my mind make sense to this outside world.

In my mind, it makes no sense that my best friend would make excuses for the man who raped me, try to talk me into being with him and make friends with him then hide that he told her he never loved me, but rather wanted to be with her and lets you fall flat on your back when you discover his pursuit of other women (add insult to the injury of rape and betrayal) another way. But she explains "he did it because he loved you" and you let it go though you know true love would never dream of hurting the one they love in such a way. You forgive when she says she just didn't want to tell you and let you get hurt more, and find closure when she chooses you over him, only to have her rip those wounds wide open again by dropping you like a hot potato when you needed her most, defriend you who she swore to always be there for and go back to being friends with the one who hurt you so much. She prefers the company of a man who cheats on her and friends who let him cheat on her with them to you simply because you asked her to stop play-flirting with the man you love. So he is an "ex"... he's barely an ex, and you're both still in love with each other. So what if it was play-flirting? Just hearing some of the nasty things said made you think of the one before who you'd lost to her, even if it wasn't her intent. Someone who you loved deeply then rapes you, then chooses her over you. Discarded like yesterday's trash. Is that really all I'm good for?

And so I hate myself because they obviously hated me. And I think I must be something thoroughly repulsive because that's just one story out of a million... To have so many treat me like garbage, I must be worthy of that title somehow, no? And I think I become more and more so since I react out of pain and anger a lot more now and often seem incapable of doing otherwise...
One story out of a million, but one fresh on my mind because of last night. Because I still love him. Stupidly, though I love others more, I miss what he and I once had. He was once my everything friend who listened like my best friend and boyfriend now do. I could always count on him... until that night. And last night, I got to relive it after attempting to make things right between he and I again, only to hear of how they both continue to hate me for... what? I said a hurtful thing or two, but the words don't cut as deep as their actions. I've had many a friend cut me down to size with their words- and even their actions. We all have reactions and stupidly react more than conscious act, but true friends, I have come to realize might react at first, then make a conscious decision to make it right again. Because friendship is worth more than our instincts. Our human instinct is to fight, to lash out, strike back in an effort to survive. But love is worth fighting for... As said in "She's out of my League", "if someone loves you, then you ARE a 10." You might be worthless, but somehow, love makes you worth it. And when someone's worth it, you will do everything to keep them. My best friends today, are those I have fought a million times with, but what has kept us alive is that we love each other so much that we fight a million and one times FOR that person. The fight for love goes a little beyond everything else. Sacrificially, we go beyond our human instincts, which seems impossible, beyond human strength, to find we have the strength after all, maybe not just in ourselves, but in our relationships with them.

And suddenly, I realize why I keep fighting for people who obviously don't want me... because I love them that much.

But I am still learning... there has to be a time to let them go, or their view of me will keep me questioning my worth. Will keep me from loving others.

I am a lover. And I fight for love...
But when love doesn't fight back, it can destroy you.
And I find myself hesitant to love so fully again.

A vicious circle... because love is vulnerable. It's giving someone the capability to hurt you, but trusting that they won't. But so many don't love back. Does that mean we stop loving? How do you guard yourself and keep from holding back- not punishing those who don't yet deserve it along with those that do- all at once? I'm struggling to find that balance as well as to fight when I seem to have no reason that I can find my reason. Or to become my own reason, but not be self-centered. To preserve me, and fight for friendship, but know when to let go... to recognize when the saying is true that I read online: "I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were." To see we all have worth, but that maybe, they weren't worth the pain they gave me... Which is it? I guess I will keep trying to figure it out...