This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Coverage of Grace

So I was reading this blog where there was a picture of a “cell phone screen,” which basically modernized a scripture to talk of calling God in a place with “no coverage” I got to thinking...

Lord, in a place
Where this is no coverage of grace
You are the One which shelters me

Though so few can look past my sin
To the heart which lies within
You reach to that part of me

Deep cries to deep
My soul sings, my soul weeps
Humbly, I fall to Your feet

And You lift me up again
You say that I am your kin
And I've been made free

In this world where all have turned away
You do not push me away
Instead You run to me

Where none would forgive my sin
You cleansed me from deep within
And said Your grace was enough for me

I acknowledge my imperfection
You lead me toward the right direction
With every stumble, you grasp me

I gasp at the love You've shown
When left by those who better should have known
Your blood is enough
And You call me Your own

More than as if I'd never sinned
But You gave to me eternity
Killed the fatted calf for one such as me

I feel so ashamed
But You raise my head
And tell me to never look down again

You see
You know
And someday
So will they
It isn't up to me to say when
It's their choice, their life or death
He purifies me to present me faultless
And the rest?
Is up to Him

They choose what they accept
And they choose when
Do not realize
What they could win
To see it sooner rather than too late

I walk past the gates
Journey into the unknown
Knowing that only He
Is in charge of my future
And the harm will not prevail

And those who do not see the debt as paid
Will simply miss out
On what they could have had today

other inspirations: story of the alabaster box.
story of the prodigal son.
this morning's sermon which touched on justification as more than forgiveness, but a gift on top of that. Much more than we deserve...

And Thursday night's Bible study which talked about the Holy Ghost as found in Galatians 5:16-26... Verse 21 in specific which says 'I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The short version as to how that relates is that “the kingdom of God” means more than Heaven in the after-life, but His kingdom on the earth as we've been called to bring it. Those who are caught up in sin and pettiness... well, they may not be damned to hell with no chance for salvation, but they sure as heck risk missing out on stuff they were supposed to get here because they were too caught up in what they weren't supposed to be... And we're ALL at risk for that one...

I must not be so caught up in the hopeless feeling humans have tried to condemn me to that I lose sight of the fact that His grace is sufficient. I do not wish to say to Him, "Lord, Your blood was not good enough." This is what we say when we've accepted His sacrifice, yet then say "I am not worthy." His aim is to make us so. Why do we keep standing in the way? Who are we to put a "Fail" stamp across any story He works to rewrite?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

someday I'll leave this topic for a while...

but for now I can't stop thinking about how badly things could go. I never did before because we'd always been so amicable. I never saw myself being hated, though I suspected all along that my in-laws hated me.
I don't even know what was said, how, when or why to change anything. Only that at Christmas, there was a gift, but my birthday Colin had to force a phone call out of his dad. Then graduation, cold as ice after a horrid phone call between my mother and Colin's. To have them say one thing and act another.
Only one understands how badly it hurts me because he's seen every tear. Night after night for weeks now. Losing my boys. Everything reminding me of them. Being hated is the worst, especially when you wonder why. They are supposed to be my family, one even swore they would still be whether I kept the name or not. They all knew we were having problems, before my own parents even knew.
Everyone has known for years we weren't working out. But apparently, the moment I decide to move on, I am the enemy. It doesn't matter how long and hard I've fought to keep people from badmouthing my husband and treating him differently. If there is no other honor due him, he is the father of my children and a human being. I would like to think I am worth the same. If nothing else, I gave birth to, and have raised almost single-handedly those boys which you cherished.
By God, if you knew it all, would you still hate me? Would you see only my mistakes or remember that you don't know the whole story? You don't know much of anything. We were too good at keeping up pretenses so now, who would believe me? Why should you assume anything other than "she is a witch"?
I am not the villain people make me out to be. Just human, imperfect. Hurting and searching, but I would never do anything to put anyone in danger or intentionally cause anyone harm... And those who took the time to know the real me, know that. Your son knows that, whatever he may say in hurt or anger over both our failures. I wish someone had given you a chance... I wish I really had been given a chance.
But why should I expect anything after 7 years of hoping and waiting only to discover it's true... There isn't one set of white parents out there that likes me. If you'd met me before Colin proposed, you probably wouldn't have approved then either. I don't fit the mold anyone thinks I should, and it's always been white girls approved for the white boy. Why? I don't know, but I lost my share of potentials that way.
And it doesn't matter what game I play. People prefer lies, but I refuse to speak anything but truth anymore. I can be the total good girl and the total bad one- and yes, I have done both in my lifetime. The temptation has been to say "if my life must be full of hurt either way, give me the path of sin so I can at least have some fun," but I've chosen to attempt the straight and narrow.
Don't see it now. You won't, and I can't force you. Simply, may God have mercy on your soul when the truth becomes known for I know where I stand. And I may be human and make mistakes, but I am no cold-hearted, lost soul. I simply... am.

Friday, June 25, 2010

and yet...

I'd suffer 10 lifetimes over to have my sons.


That's all I wanna know. I wanna know what was so wrong with me that so many could hurt me so much and be OK with it. What did I do to deserve this life? And don't recount my recent sins to me. No one pays penance BEFORE the sin. I know a lot of the crap I've done was a bad reaction to the crap done to me. I'm just trying to start new. To reclaim any part of me that might be left. I'm trying to do it right, but they all make it so difficult. I don't know what to do to get people to see that I'm not the enemy. I never intended to start a war, but I've been attacked. So now what? Do I attack back? Do I just stand here and take every bullet as if I deserved it? Do I let people continue to kill me or do I somehow arise? I'm not sure if I know how to arise again anymore, but I keep fighting. I know you won't read, but PLEASE, acknowledge that you don't know the whole story. TRY to understand, I may not be the villain he has painted me out to be...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

forgive my whining

But I fear I have nowhere else to vent. I've tried to be good in the way that I don't speak ill of him where mutual friends are. I've taken the blame for it all before the world and he has let me. Even those who hate him, love him, see me as the evil one and beg that we stay together, but who sees all the pain I go through? Who can tell me that THIS is what God would have me endure! I scream and cry so badly, even now that he is gone that I vomit! The pain in my heart is horrendous! Only matched by the pain caused by the one who raped me. Betrayal is the worst pain that ever was, and I feel as though I have been betrayed by the world. I laugh as I read all these articles that say marriage is no bed of roses, but we have to stick with it anyway. If anyone could step back and take a good, long look at my life and my heart... Could they truly say it applies to even me? If this be the grace and love of Christ, I want nothing to do with Him! Fortunately for all of you, I know my God better than that or I would have fallen from Him so long ago! From molestation as a child to abuse from my peers for worshiping God when this was not the "cool" thing to do, to having my leaders at a ministry tell me "you are worthless, and I will do everything in my power to see you get kicked out of here" to having other leaders in that ministry 1) separate me from one of my best friends just because he was a guy or 2) forcing me to break up with my boyfriend as he proposed to me (long story), to being sexually abused at 17 once while abroad with this same ministry, once while I was in Dallas with them... to the hell of a marriage for 7 years that even now continues, to being raped 4 times by 3 different men in 11 months time, suffering through clergy sexual abuse... being told by my husband to kill myself then hearing my mother-in-law thinks I am an unfit mother because I vent about the pain every once and again... I have withstood much. So much! Way too much, and yet I live! I very rarely lash out to hurt back those who hurt me, though admittedly I HAVE done it before. It takes A LOT to break me, push me to that point! I'm on the verge of it yet again which is why I have to let it out before I can't take anymore. The pain has been building... I cling to images in my mind, the few times people have stood up for ME, the times "I love you" has given me the will to keep fighting, Ray's fist hitting the wall every time our first week together he heard a new story. I want no one to exact my justice for me, at least not in a way that would go against any laws, but I do wish justice could come, and my only reprieve is that finally, someone cares enough about me to be hurt and angry for me, and hold me when I can no longer hold myself. Until recently, no one has really cared about me and now... I have enough. I hurt and so I vent, but with their wind beneath my wings, I will make it!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Why do I keep crying?

It's not so much a self pity thing. There is a missing my kid thing... I don't know. On one hand there's a good riddance thing, on the other- well, he always was a friend I was just... tired of being forgotten I guess. Used. So much that went so wrong... Superchick has this song that says "The hardest part was getting this close to you/And giving up this dream I built with you/A fairy tale that isn't coming true...." Maybe it's just having it all seem to... final. Even though I knew it was over ages ago, I'm finally feeling the ultimate brokenness of it.
I'm so ready for all the pain I've endured to stop. How can a person be so happy and so... hurt all at once? Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me... I don't wanna be with him, but him being gone I just... *sigh* I don't know anymore.

So many mixed emotions today...

Just put my kids on a plane with him, and I have this bad feeling that he's gonna try and fight me to keep them though he says he won't. I think the biggest reason being he just screwed me outta $200+ which I need for rent very, very soon. That and he cringed when I said the government, if I understood correctly was pegging him for child support- at about $100 a month! This after what he's done for them in the past 2 months was pay for part of Rhythm's party and buy some diapers. I don't know where his checks went, except to his misspent funds on a car he ended up letting get towed. I don't understand why he wants them when he won't take care of them when he has them. So worried they won't be taken care of in the next month while they're supposed to be with him... after all, he is moving and has no money and no job as he moves... just his parents to mooch off of... Forgive me... The tears roll down my cheek as I sit at a foreign Starbucks waiting for my phone to charge so I can head home... Perhaps I should stick with saying nothing when there is nothing but anger or heartache etched upon my soul...

Monday, June 14, 2010



It's a Blind World After All

This world is too content with living blindly. I don't get it. I mean, I know the truth hurts, but I'm one who can't live without the truth. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. The truth that hurts me now is that people are so concerned with appearances that you are shunned when you don't fit the mold. From my mom who says don't come home until you change (when she can't see how far I've actually come because up until recently, I was among those who felt the need to HIDE my darkness)... to a ministry that seems to want to pretend either that no one ever got hurt or that they fixed whatever problems they might have had... to my best friend who ran when I lashed out in a dark moment that came with the rape flashbacks, unable to understand how a person can be that broken...
A person can never become who they are meant to be as long as they stay in shadows. They can't change if they don't acknowledge need for change. They can't fully acknowledge a need for change if coming clean means people abandon you. I see why so many hide their faults. I get why so many of my friends have chosen over the years to hide the affairs they've had... People can't fully be who they are if they must pretend to be something they're not.

I'm NOT ultra feminine. This doesn't make me less of a woman. I love to let loose and sing at the top of my lungs or dance even though I really don't know how. I'm all for "better out than in" comfort with the people closest to me. I'm not a very good sword-fighter, but I would LOVE the chance to spar with you. I love sports and games as long as I get to have fun and not just be hemmed in by the rules. I know how to sew, I CAN cook, but I DO resist these domestic qualities because in the world I grew up in, I was defined by these qualities and could be no one else BUT a wife and mother. I play bass guitar, and I love it! I have as many sound effects as a guy. Quality time and physical touch are my primary love languages, but because of all the abuse I've been through- all the rejection I've faced and every rape, etc, I'm a runner even as I am a fighter. I have a love/hate relationship with the very idea of sex. I like to make the first move, and I love to be pursued. I've craved love like a child who has tasted candy, but is too poor to ever have more than brief tastes. My hurts have caused me to inadvertently hurt others. I don't have it in me to willfully reject anyone who would be my friend. My heart is way too big. I love even those who would hate me, hurt me, use me. The hardest thing for me to do is walk away from those who abuse me, but I'm learning to find balance because if I don't love me, I can't love others the way I need to. I'm used to being a doormat. I'd give my life up for my friends' kids as much as my own, this includes my boyfriends' daughters. Marriage no longer has any meaning to me, but I'd do it all again to have my boys and learn to play bass, etc. I believe in restoration- just not in the area everyone wants me to. The more you want me to be someone, the more I will reject that idea because of all I've been through, and how people typically want me to be some sort of fake and ask me to lie...

I despise hiding and lying with every fabric of my being, but I'm trying to find the balance between honesty and being courteous to others/discreet.
And I'm trying to be patient... but the lies hurt me more than a truth I sometimes wish wouldn't exist... And so I face this world of lies and accept the truth of its existence, even as I pray for change and hope to somehow inspire it.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Victim's Mentality

It's so difficult right now not to have one. The short of it was I was a broken girl, thanks to typical Christian mentality, when my husband came around. I had suffered my share of abuses as a child, and had pressed on. What had me jumping the gun to marriage was that I had fallen. In the society I came from, if you weren't a virgin, you were tainted goods, and if you couldn't marry the one you sinned with, you jolly well better marry whatever Christian guy would take you because he was doing a great disservice to himself to do so. He was sacrificing his purity to be defiled by a lowly one such as you in hopes to bring you back to holiness. He was a good man who swore he loved me. How naïve I was...
I won't go into all the reasons why today- why I let myself run off to start having affairs then eventually decided I'd do us both a favor and divorce him. Suffice it to say, after 4 years with him, I'd all but completely lost myself (pre-affair), climbed into a shell where I had absolutely no self worth, and here, seven years later, I still have no answers to why he could never love me. Instead, I was the one with a desire to start over. When a move to a different city couldn't move him from everything coming between us, rather drove us further apart by driving me closer to my addiction and him to commuting to be with his, I announced I was leaving, heading home to the only family I felt I had left- my friends on the east coast. He eventually decided if that was the case, that he'd head to the east coast as well, back with his parents.
The skinny? Because of delays he's given me, one of us needs to stay here while the divorce finalizes. Somehow, I'm the one who had to sacrifice my dream to leave on top of my dream of marriage. He's taking the kids, despite how many times he's said "take them, I don't care" (which naturally bugs me to no end). I'm dying at the thought of losing my children, and wondering what I did to deserve this life?
And I'm soooo tired of everyone who thinks that reconciling with the one who decided his children and I weren't worth anything will make everything ok again.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Teardrops of a Woman

I have a blog to put here, really I do, but for some reason I am struggling with how I wanna end it. Instead, for now, I will put in one of my favorite poems that I've written:

The teardrops of a woman
Are the diamonds of her eyes
Multi-faceted prisms
Glittering every time she cries

The teardrops of a woman
Are born of hardness in her life
Of sorrows black as coal
and worlds of pressure

Deep within
Her heart always shines
Through it all
Within each woman
lies a treasure

The teardrops of a woman
Are born of the purity of her love
You can see clear through
To what she finds most worthy

Each drop is hot
What her passion is made of
Full of tender care and healing
Shed for the hurting

The teardrops of a woman
Are the prayers of her soul
As she learns when to let go
Of the past

And deep within
Her heart is strength
She may look fragile
But she can last

She holds on when she needs to
Beautiful and fierce
She feels all, and works hard
Even through her fears
Each drop that is shed
Is worth as much as her blood and sweat
Every tear tells a story
Every tear hopes to mend
As is her heart, so are her tears...

The teardrops of a woman
Are the diamonds of her eyes
Multi-faceted prisms
Glittering every time she cries

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

For my friends at RA...

OK, so this blog is a little... centered, I guess you can say. I was once an intern for Teen Mania Ministries, and during my time there... well, let's just say there was some abuse that has both tainted and corrected my view on the world and Christianity. I recently became a member of the forums for, a place where people can share their own stories on the road to healing. Long story short, the board of directors came up with a response here.
The following was my own response to that, originally posted on twitter (Yeah, I don't do well at all with the 140-character limit thing!):

(directed in part to the founder of the ministry, Ron Luce and to the director of the Honor Academy- the internship of the ministry, Dave Hasz)...

Let's assume you guys did fix it all for the interns of today... That doesn't negate the need to repair the past... *sigh* I really love you more than you'll ever know, but the whole thing can't just blow over. There is too much to this.

It's so difficult to feel caught in the middle when it come to the whole Honor Academy thing. One minute, I'm honored to be an Honor Academy alumnus, the next... I can't help but ask "why?" Am I the only one unsure of my "side"??

Anyone who REALLY knows me, knows I was one of Teen Mania's abused alumni who fell through the cracks. Very few know my story though because of how I've walked through this journey...
Lately... there's been questioning, pain. Don't blame R.A. though, it was the "responses" which evoked a whole new level of pain I long thought buried. The rest of me took it in stride and learned from the hardness- once I got past my I-don't-care-about-anything-anymore phase. My pain took me to foolish choices, but I acknowledged I made those choices on my own. In the end, God used them to strengthen me. Still I'm not 100%, and my desire is to reach out to the hurting. It pains me that I do not see the church loving as Christ commanded.

I'd like to take a moment to say here what I once commented on
One of things which meant the most in my recovery was when a fellow alumnus, after hearing my story said "they told us we were now and forever representatives of this ministry, right? Well, then I hereby, on behalf of the entire ministry, apologize for what you experienced.”
My desire would be to offer that same hand. I may someday lose my standing with the Honor Academy Alumni Association, yet they cannot change the fact that I graduated. As such, I'll always represent Teen Mania- be that good or bad in their eyes. I'd like to think I do some good by saying: As a representative of Teen Mania, I apologize for whatever hurts you may have experienced, and if there is anything I can do, I take the vow I made to all those who ever placed the honor ring on their finger seriously. My servitude is eternally yours.

(After reading Hayford's letter)

I've come to the realization lately that there is more than one kind of "evil" we should avoid evoking the image of. "Avoid the appearance of evil" does not mean pretend everything is OK. That is an evil all its own...
Hello... the favorites always get good treatment so the testimony of his family's involvement is moot. I've heard enough stories from both sides to assess this prior to, prior to "damage" people want to do. With me, for instance, I've been silent for 9 years. Doesn't keep me from seeing and hearing and praying.
I repeat, these "responses" are doing more harm than supposedly is!
I want to know who is really reaching out to whom. RA seems to say they've been looking for help & TMM swears the help offered is being rejected.
I think seriously if you'd stop being like the rest of stereotypical Christianity, stop whining about your appearances, and let your quiet testimony speak for itself as it should if you are really in the right, it would say a lot more! Christ felt no need to defend Himself at His trials. So yeah, He got crucified, but new life came from that. Saying nothing is wrong is a little "methinks thou dost protest too much," drawing more attention to what has transpired!
I find it weird how my whole life swims in circles of familiarity. I think one reason TMM's responses bugs me so much is that it reminds me of the government's last letter to me concerning the rape I endured and reported last year. My case was dropped for "lack of evidence. ”The government went so far as to say they determined (without trial!) that I had not been a victim. They called me a liar. They may as well have raped me all over again. All I wanted at that moment was counseling. If justice could not come, would someone just help me get the help I needed to get past that? No, instead more pain arises. You shoot the wounded rather than administer healing...

Does it matter who is at fault? Christians should be willing to help ANY wounded! THAT is our calling! Let's assume the stories are all fabricated. There was obviously a hurt somewhere. Instead of saying "it wasn't me!" try "lemme help,” preferably in a real and tangible way.

Not trying to stir up trouble. TMM is responsible for leading me back to Christ & keeping me from suicide at 13. I also helped a youth group to Acquire the Fire less than 3 months ago! I only have your best interests at heart. However, actions of leadership prompted me to begin cutting while at the Honor Academy. I was told that I was worthless. I never blamed TMM because it was a person, not a ministry that hurt me. But speaking against your own AS a ministry... Well, you might as well be saying you take responsibility for their actions. Thankfully, an alumnus already took responsibility for the hurt on your behalf and apologized to me for you 8 years ago...

I know they're not listening. TMM didn't listen 9 years ago when confronted by my parents, why would they hear my pleas on twitter? Can't help but hope & pray though that my premonitions about them aren't true. There is still a chance for change, in ALL of us... Until death...

(And finally, a small PS for the other link on that page, which I barely read): "...some young people do not have maturity or self discipline to finish such a rigorous leadership program." Arg! My thoughts on this are simple: It's far too accusatory! Yes, because those are the ONLY reasons for which we cannot ENDURE. Blech, blech. Blah!