This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Victim's Mentality

It's so difficult right now not to have one. The short of it was I was a broken girl, thanks to typical Christian mentality, when my husband came around. I had suffered my share of abuses as a child, and had pressed on. What had me jumping the gun to marriage was that I had fallen. In the society I came from, if you weren't a virgin, you were tainted goods, and if you couldn't marry the one you sinned with, you jolly well better marry whatever Christian guy would take you because he was doing a great disservice to himself to do so. He was sacrificing his purity to be defiled by a lowly one such as you in hopes to bring you back to holiness. He was a good man who swore he loved me. How naïve I was...
I won't go into all the reasons why today- why I let myself run off to start having affairs then eventually decided I'd do us both a favor and divorce him. Suffice it to say, after 4 years with him, I'd all but completely lost myself (pre-affair), climbed into a shell where I had absolutely no self worth, and here, seven years later, I still have no answers to why he could never love me. Instead, I was the one with a desire to start over. When a move to a different city couldn't move him from everything coming between us, rather drove us further apart by driving me closer to my addiction and him to commuting to be with his, I announced I was leaving, heading home to the only family I felt I had left- my friends on the east coast. He eventually decided if that was the case, that he'd head to the east coast as well, back with his parents.
The skinny? Because of delays he's given me, one of us needs to stay here while the divorce finalizes. Somehow, I'm the one who had to sacrifice my dream to leave on top of my dream of marriage. He's taking the kids, despite how many times he's said "take them, I don't care" (which naturally bugs me to no end). I'm dying at the thought of losing my children, and wondering what I did to deserve this life?
And I'm soooo tired of everyone who thinks that reconciling with the one who decided his children and I weren't worth anything will make everything ok again.

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