This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

forgive my whining

But I fear I have nowhere else to vent. I've tried to be good in the way that I don't speak ill of him where mutual friends are. I've taken the blame for it all before the world and he has let me. Even those who hate him, love him, see me as the evil one and beg that we stay together, but who sees all the pain I go through? Who can tell me that THIS is what God would have me endure! I scream and cry so badly, even now that he is gone that I vomit! The pain in my heart is horrendous! Only matched by the pain caused by the one who raped me. Betrayal is the worst pain that ever was, and I feel as though I have been betrayed by the world. I laugh as I read all these articles that say marriage is no bed of roses, but we have to stick with it anyway. If anyone could step back and take a good, long look at my life and my heart... Could they truly say it applies to even me? If this be the grace and love of Christ, I want nothing to do with Him! Fortunately for all of you, I know my God better than that or I would have fallen from Him so long ago! From molestation as a child to abuse from my peers for worshiping God when this was not the "cool" thing to do, to having my leaders at a ministry tell me "you are worthless, and I will do everything in my power to see you get kicked out of here" to having other leaders in that ministry 1) separate me from one of my best friends just because he was a guy or 2) forcing me to break up with my boyfriend as he proposed to me (long story), to being sexually abused at 17 once while abroad with this same ministry, once while I was in Dallas with them... to the hell of a marriage for 7 years that even now continues, to being raped 4 times by 3 different men in 11 months time, suffering through clergy sexual abuse... being told by my husband to kill myself then hearing my mother-in-law thinks I am an unfit mother because I vent about the pain every once and again... I have withstood much. So much! Way too much, and yet I live! I very rarely lash out to hurt back those who hurt me, though admittedly I HAVE done it before. It takes A LOT to break me, push me to that point! I'm on the verge of it yet again which is why I have to let it out before I can't take anymore. The pain has been building... I cling to images in my mind, the few times people have stood up for ME, the times "I love you" has given me the will to keep fighting, Ray's fist hitting the wall every time our first week together he heard a new story. I want no one to exact my justice for me, at least not in a way that would go against any laws, but I do wish justice could come, and my only reprieve is that finally, someone cares enough about me to be hurt and angry for me, and hold me when I can no longer hold myself. Until recently, no one has really cared about me and now... I have enough. I hurt and so I vent, but with their wind beneath my wings, I will make it!

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