This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Voice in Shadow/Shadowvoice etc

I remember the first time I used the name. It was an old screen name on aol instant messenger. It started out as "Voice in Shadow" and later blended into "Shadow Voice," as if it would sound cooler in this gothic sense.
I am a Christian. I have been since I was very young, and this was what worried people. Previously I had been known as "The voice of the revolution," which seemed far more appropriate for a Christian, no? Safer... but I was never very good at safe. I have always teetered on the edge in a way. My thinking had always been... well... revolutionary.
In any case, it was always about the voice. The Voice. I am a voice among many. A voice that seldomly is heard, even more seldomly understood. Like I said, I have always been different.
As a child, this meant praising God while my peers mocked. Always misunderstood, always... abused. Yes, they went so far as to abuse me. I went through a lot of other abuse on both sides of the coin, and while this blog really isn't about that, it is part of it. It cannot help to be, for I have spent my life trying to understand the abuse. And fighting to be heard and understood as well. Especially at the end of my darkness. I have always been able to find hope, however vague at the end of the tunnel, and have fought with saints and sinners alike about my personal belief system. I tend to latch onto pagans, wiccans and other "dark" religioned people. I in my searching, searched outwardly, and lost a good chunk of myself in the process, but in any case, I came to see things through their eyes, and as I already thought differently, it was easy for this side of me to grow.
I became the voice in the shadow... a voice that wavers more often than not for how soft it sounds in the shouts of a crowd. It is a nervous plight to know how difficult it is for one such as I to be heard. Yet I continue to shout out, though it seems futile at times, anxious to start that revolution.
I am a singer, and a writer- these are my main voices. I play bass guitar and have dipped my toes into theater. Again, more venues for my voice. My influence expands even as it decreases. many lose patience with me and my "weird" ideas, most especially the Christians.
But I am not as lost as you would say, though I have been deemed "too rebellious" for your tastes.
And the rebels... accept me more, because they know that I am me, without repentance for being who I am, even if that be broken. As far as I know, I among those truest to self... but what they have difficulty accepting is that I am also true to my God.

Ach.... I know whoever reading this is really probably lost if they haven't left yet... Let's just say it how I always have: I am too saintly for the rebels; too rebellious for the saints. Everyone has trouble accepting who I am because of how different it is. For my journeys on both sides of the saintly candle, I see things which most Christians refuse to see and identify with the broken, the hurting, the shunned. I have very often been the shunned. I think differently and wish to revolutionize the thinking of saint and sinner alike. My life is an eternal paradox, and I the immortal oxymoron... The things I am, the things I believe... I have been told cannot co-exist and yet I am living proof that they do.
Do I say that I have no faults? Hardly. Do I know all the answers? Not a chance. But I work through my faults, and fight for honesty. I fight for God and see Him as Savior, but also fight for Him as Love. I fight to revolutionize how He is seen in and outside the church, for I think the church is so caught up in a lot of petty things that they forget the basics. And the non-Christians are so caught up in the rules or the hurts they have experienced because of them, that they abandon God as well.
But God does not abandon us. Instead, He sends voices to us. Voices that often seem like mere shadows, whispery in the temporal, blinding shadow that is this world, Voices to light the way, to guide, to stand beside. And as messed up as I can be, I still think I am one... or am intended to be...
With this in mind, I remove myself from the shadows in this way: I lay my life bare before the world. I hope for your acceptance, but do not require that you give it for my sake. I have all that I need, even when my heart bleeds that I could have the luxuries of being accepted, loved and understood by more than those I am above that. I believe that is from the heart and desire of God. He longs to be longed for, as I do. He longs for you. But as I won't force you, neither will He.

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