This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Against Lies (esp. to children under the guise of "sparing them')

"The accelerated velocity of terminological inexactitude" (one of “Easy A”'s Facebook quotes of the day) fits well with my some of my thoughts today (and translates to "the speed of a rumor or lie", btw). I have been amazed at how certain things said about me spread. I do not maintain full innocence, nor full guilt, but few know everything...

Enter, again, my favorite band, TSO. “Still it's been rumored this thing must be/Why is then that you act surprised... And now you claim you are not prepared...See it rising/stare and wonder/Hear it beckon/You to dance/Feel it hold you/Take you under/I'm your god of second chance”- Mephistopheles

Yes, I know this song is really about something else entirely, yet deals with the "do we forget & erase it/pretend it never was or take the good with the bad?" question our families are currently facing... I am frustrated with hearing one person say that because of the heartache of this world, it would be better that the children had not existed (at least, this is how it sounded). No, the world is far from easy, and I wish I could take back the negative effects of mistakes I have made, but I refuse to adopt the idea that any of my children are a mistake- for me, this includes ALL of the kids: the boys from my marriage to Colin, the girls from Ray's marriage to Janet, and Coda, who will receive the brunt of it all for being the “bastard son of a peasant” if you will (“Ever After”).

I more than anyone understand the desire to save my children from the heartache of the world, and erase all the bad that happened in my past, and I don't want them growing up thinking I was ever right for how I entered into my current relationship, but having a "why?" child as obsessed with the truth as I makes everything so much easier... my decision to give my children the truth, at least. And the truth is, I want to spare them, yet I refuse to shelter them to the degree I was sheltered as a child because I now see there was more harm than good, keeping them from reality. This does not spare them heartache, but in the end creates more.

I do not wish to lie to them and send the wrong message of the world just because stuff isn't convenient any more than I want them to think I never make mistakes and neither will they... I want them to understand the devastation mistakes bring, but not leave them wallowing in hopelessness either. Life is messy and painful BUT life can be beautiful, and grace is the greatest lesson they can ever learn. Forgiveness and love are what I wish for them to come away with in the end. "After the rain, we can look to the sky again." New life AFTER the pain means a million times more than a life without pain. I am experiencing a 2nd chance I had once given up on, and no, it didn't happen the greatest way, but I see what it's being made into, and what it could yet be, and really wish I could shout the possibilities to the world and have them understand this marvelous feeling of grace.

But we are all in different places yet. I have had years of heartache to bring me to this point and I do not envy others the journey they must take if they want to come to this point as well, and I DO regret that I unwittingly played a part in exacting the pain upon them. This is part of which is untrue- that I had intention of causing pain, and do not care for anyone now. I made mistakes. I can't take them back, but I also refuse to wallow in misery and find everything broken beyond all repair. I know that we will all come out stronger in the end if we offer all this pain up to the real God of second chances & to the realization that lies and masks will not take us there, though they seem to make it all temporarily better. Love and Truth are the only things that will change us if we let them (and to me, God is both... He is “not tame, but He is good.”)

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