This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Personalities & Mediators; My Thoughts on Today

AKA: "Yes, I Will Be Nice and Remove the Barrage of Status Updates, Turning Them Instead Into an Insanely Long Blog"

Ok, I'm honest, but that doesn't mean I'm never reserved either. It's difficult to say some of the things in my heart, no matter how passionate I feel about them when I encounter people of certain personalities. Especially when all I wanna do is cry... Usually, it's just confrontational, but right now, I'm thinking also other personalities in general. I have many passions and beliefs I wish to get across, but will avoid them and attach to the things we have in common to promote peace, and avoid confrontation & tears.

I am learning all this, the more that I deal with people of other personality types, rather than avoid them altogether... For instance, today meant sitting down with Ray's ex so that we could get to know one another as it is now obvious, we are meant to be a permanent part of each other's lives. For her, she needs to know that she can trust me to be around/care for her children. For me, I'm wishing to apologize and explain- if nothing else, how much I want to be a part of their lives, not from guilt (though there certainly is that; I am not heartless) but because I'm thoroughly enamored with them.

This is something that is not easily understood. I do not “know” them, how could I love them? How does a mother love the child she has never seen, before she even feels the first kick within the womb? For me, it was much the same as that, and much as I felt a kinship with Ray from the very beginning, much as I completely gravitate toward people with certain personalities and make them my instant families/best friends, etc. If this is not enough, they are girls- which I have always longed to give birth to girls of my own (a journey of which can be better understood through my “Mom of Men” blog). They are his, a part of him, and I love him. Their personalities, much like Ray's mirrors mine, echoes the personalities of my own children. I would think that all of this combined could offer an explanation to those which would require it.

In any case feel I failed in making these points, only because they weren't really brought up. Between her questions and her personality, I felt it best to put them aside for the time being rather than scream, “I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTERS, PLEEEEASE LET ME SPEND TIME WITH THEM!” This does not mean my heart stops screaming it. And I am respecting her decisions as their mother, though I do not agree with what is thought to be best in all instances, and my heart breaks at half the words. I also know that if I said all I wished to, I would end up collapsing in a heap of tears, with the flood of emotions that constantly assaults me, particularly on this matter. I merely sat, latching onto and expounding those things which we have in common, answered what I could, and attempted to explain some things Ray has lamented to me his inability to communicate as well as his personality, of which I share much. It became obvious in the course of all this that much of what I watched them blame each other for stemmed from these personality conflicts. It is insanely difficult, in my experience, to not make assumptions so that hearts be known, and lives lived peacefully, yet not impossible.

I got to thinking about this again later in the evening, when my parents were to meet me with the boys at a walk-through nativity. Long story short, they got so lost, they couldn't even tell me where they were so that I could have an idea how to direct them. I expressed the desire to attach a tracking device to their vehicle that I could find them, and realized, the concept kinda works toward the personality issue as well. I feel there needs to be some sort of mediator between personalities that can successfully interpret both and help steer them toward each other.

As for my own personality, which Ray shares, I daresay not even many of the professionals seem capable of assessing us. The more we talked, the more I saw this, and realized it wasn't just me! This also helps me to see that I am not what is perceived, which I already know, yet tend to lose sight of when around the more aggressive, authoratative or self-sufficient types such as my mother, my last boss, or this woman. Everyone thinks they know each other, us especially because we rarely stand up to say otherwise. I am not typically this vocal in a general audience or when addressing these various personality types, which makes me grateful for blogs where I don't have to directly address any specific type and can thus simply be myself, throw caution to the wind and edit as I speak all at once, with no chance to be caught off guard. Granted, the latter part does not happen when social networking because twitter especially becomes more my venting/thinking ground and the thoughts are rarely fully developed and often highly emotional, causing me to appear irrational and ignorant. The silence-as-a-defense-mechanism/peacekeeper-approach also lends to these misconceptions.

I come across as ignorant, fearful, slothful, negative.
The other personalities tend to come off as judgmental, pushy & -strangely- also negative.
The negatives differ, yet both are based on being realistic. Realism often leads to a depressed attitude and talking through the emotions to find a positive side with myself. I always come around, but as the process repeats with every new situation, I appear constantly depressed, particularly when the emotion or silence are the only things expressed. The other is an almost careless "well, what's broken is broken and nothing can fix it" mentality that I don't fully understand. They are looking for solutions, but when they don't find the one they are looking for, they often appear to give up hope and give into the reality as a finality.

I know that neither perception is entirely true. Partly? Certainly, yet the whole story remains untold in the conflict. Assumptions are made. Lives are broken in ways that can be avoided with a little, uncomfortable effort. But who wants to get out of their comfort zone?

All I can offer up for now is this: silence does not equal intimidation or disinterest, but rather a peacekeeper attitude when addressing a more aggressive personality. I can mostly understand others, but rarely make myself understood, the biggest flaw of this personality. As an honest person though, ask, and I shall reveal the answer if the answer is mine to give. And as an artist... well, I'm trying to understand, but must admit, I hold too much hope to be as negative as I know I can appear.

As I used to always say: I am the Master's pieces, broken, but beautiful. In His hands, I know that I can become a masterpiece, whatever else it may be that I have been.

I'm looking for the stained-glass window that my dreamer side insists is a possibility. The vase that was may be broken, but as an artist, I see that this does not need to be the end of all beauty. I wish to know life as it is, but also for it's possibilities. Something was lost, yes, but WE CHOOSE to toss everything away... or be made new. Which is where my heartbreak and our disagreements came in. I will not say what words were exchanged, for that is between us, yet I feel that she has not seen much light at the end of this tunnel I unwittingly shoved her and the girls into, yet she far from lacks determination to move on. We are simply in different places in the process and approaching it from different angles. Having to learn to be patient in this time and stay away when asked are my punishment, though I feel it adds more unfairness to the innocents involved in the situation rather than spares them more heartache. Bearing it silently, and hoping & praying for the stained-glass of these new heartaches to be forged in time are all that I can do.

I also leave you with this challenge, born a bit from the classic cliché you are certain to recognize within: When life hands you lemons, do you merely juggle the lemons or flavor your life that you may savor what remains rather than focus on what does not? The choice is yours.

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