This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Do I...

...really, truly believe I am scum, I am responsible for all those who have used me then turned things on me, etc? No. But I believe people think it. I believe people feel I am only as good as what I can be used for. If I can no longer be used, I get discarded. Dismissed. Sometimes I wonder that maybe they're right. But I know the truth, regardless of what people see, or think.
Am I absolutely innocent? None of us are- a fact very lost on a self-righteous people. Yes, I have pursued married men before. Or at least one married man. This was in a period of my life where I'd stopped caring. I've been through a few of those in my lifetime. I was edging back into another when I met Ray. I lost my virginity during one.
I am a bona fide sex addict, I will not deny that. And the users... Well, I am convinced they smell your weaknesses, without you ever breathing a word or approaching. And I was so trusting before that I would allow people to get close to me, somehow thinking they wouldn't hurt me, even though I'd get the warnings from within. You're supposed to be able to trust friends you've known for 10 years from a ministry. You're supposed to be able to trust the man you married to fulfill the promises he made. What is supposed to be, rarely is. Life has taught me this.
The church that is supposed to love turns millions away daily for their lack of this trait. The church that is not supposed to judge, does nothing but.
Thankfully, my acceptance at the church I've been attending these past 20 months, despite my faults being known, has helped me to believe there is some hope in this world. I feel only one has truly judged me... maybe two, as one of Ray's uncles attends and does not feel keen to accept me, regardless of his own past. Out of hundreds. Whereas in other churches, only 1 or 2 accepted me, out of hundreds. Even without knowing my failures. I feel that here, I have a chance to grow, to return to who I should be once again.
If only I'm allowed to stay here. It's been a crazy week. Long story short, I need to find a new place in a hurry because my landlord is being horribly discriminatory. And on top of that, I found out I am pregnant so I know people's opinions are only gonna get worse now. I didn't want a child to face this fate, and prayed that God alone would know. "Lord, I desperately desire a child. You know this, but why now? The timing looks so wrong. Nevertheless, I will let You who sees the whole picture decide what the best timing is." And He said yes, now. I'm scared, I'm excited. I don't know what to feel or where to turn. But know that regardless of man, regardless of my sins and failures, my God is still God, and He still holds me in the palm of His hand...

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