This is the place I rant about life's heartaches when I feel I can't say it anywhere else. My voice is buried beneath shadows, but I feel someday what I have to say might mean something to someone...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I don't think it's fair

... that people are full of assumptions about my character. Have I always been pure? No. This does not mean, however, that if a married man took notice of me, that I pursued him. Unfortunately for me, I've always attracted jerks and married men. One such man attends my church.
The long story short was that I worked on a worship team with him. I was attracted to him, yes. He is an older man (I've always loved older men, dating one 18 1/2 & another over 30 years older), a musician (as a musician, I tend to fall for them!), and has a darling accent that reminded me of my first love. I shrugged it aside though, knowing he was a very happily married man. It did not help that hearing him rant and rave about the girl whose place I essentially took led me to believe he had a thing for her and I figured if he was gonna risk anything with his wife, it would be with this girl. With some stuff I know about them both, I wouldn't assume they have already done something, yet wouldn't be surprised either. I mean, if that is what people think of me, the same could readily be assumed about them...
He started following me. Everywhere. He'd have dinner with me at church, we'd rehearse, sing, he'd then join me at my table for the general message and split off only when he had to go to the men's meeting and I to the women's. Afterward, even when I tried to find other people to hang out with, he'd STILL follow me. It started to get to me. He brought his wife and son to my son's birthday party... to follow me around at the party, too. It finally got to be too much one day he came up to me and said that he had someone else leading the next week, but that I should still come or he would "attack" me. Mind you that when he said this he also dropped his voice and his eyes swept down my body. A chill swept through me. Fortunately at that moment, someone walked through the hall and I took that moment to make my escape. I think with how he had been acting, and by my experiences with other men, had that person not walked in as he said he would attack me, that he would have made some sort of move... Yet, I know I also have a witness. If only I could remember who that person was!!! I would quite like to prove it...
I know he knows what he did because when I caught him again in the hallway later, I told him (acting at least as if I were giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he should watch his words because they didn't sound right when heard by the wrong person. He agreed and continued following me. Finally, I told him I was considering leaving the group, in part because of the incident and he just silently nodded. He half maintained his distance after I came back, but I made it known when he started again, plain as day in an email just why I had quit. He made the claim at that point that nothing had ever transpired and that he hoped I felt "safe" in order to continue attending. I didn't speak to him when he followed me again the next week. He finally started leaving me alone. We eventually seemed to move past it all and become cordial again and I'd hoped I could rejoin the team. I am desperate to play music again, but his "reason" now is that everyone wants on the team, and he can't have too many people. Yet they keep adding people. I am the only bassist that attends this service, but he would rather have 3 guitarists, a drummer and a keyboardist and call in this other girl when they want a female singer (despite that she no longer attends this group). He's been ignoring me since I got together with Ray. He and his family started going to other services at church. And Sunday, I saw his wife for the first time in a long time, and while she spoke to me, she had the kind of "let's move quickly, I'm only saying hi to be polite but I secretly blame you and hate your guts" tone. This was after they decided to not go to my son's birthday party this year... by the way he made excuses for it, I figure she heard about the email and told him they couldn't go to the party.
I know, it seems like a lot of assumptions... But I know the stuff I say in recovery group doesn't stay in recovery, even though it's supposed to... I have a sixth sense about these kind of things... and I know that while the church in general accepts me, I know what most individual people think of me because of Ray. Or because I call people on their BS (ie: calling this guy on what he was doing or pressing charges against one of my rapists). And I know how to read women in general, and often know why they act the way they do.
Nobody wants to readily believe their man has flirted with someone else, cheated on them, etc. They are readily willing to blame the other person for his downfall. And nobody listens, cares or believes, but I'd like to go on record as saying, I DON'T PURSUE THEM! I DO attempt to deflect them. And it doesn't always work. Sometimes, I just end up with the short end of the stick. It's easy to blame the woman. Especially when she's not the purest. But even whores say no then get blamed for the rape. Men love to say "she asked for it." No is still no, whether part of her wants it or not...

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