I feel like something inside me has died and refuses to live again.
I have way too much love in my heart, make myself thoroughly vulnerable to people who tend to abuse my trust and hurt me where I'm most vulnerable. I grow weaker with every jab. And I grieve for a lifetime... And feel as if I'm 70 inside, just waiting for my time to finally come. Relief, peace... Parts of me grow stronger, where other parts of me grow weaker. I keep saying "enough is enough" to everyone who uses me, but unable to truly let anyone go, a part of me says, "don't go..."
And I only look the part of the liar. How can anyone believe I meant an "I love you" when I appear to move on so easily? It's easy for me to find someone else to give my heart to, but that hardly means I let the last person go. I don't know that I ever truly can. Love stores up, and with it, my grief. Is there a relief? I've said before that I long for death, but I don't. I just long to be the cold, callous person people think I am. I can put up a good front and appear hardened, but it is glass... You could look straight through me if you tried, and you can shatter my heart into a million tears if you would test the strength of my resolve.
I long for a freedom I don't think was ever meant for a lover/artist...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
It's hard to love yourself when others hate you
And I hate who I've become. I wasn't always this way...
Long story short, I lashed out at another friend in my grief. I'm trying not to talk about it a lot, because I know people are fed up with hearing about the hard parts in my life, same time, I really need to vent... I haven't yet met but one person who seems to understand, even though I've come to discover that a lot of people I know have been rape (or other sort of abuse) victims... Thankfully, at least my boyfriend and my best friend listen to me attempt to explain...
I mean really, how do you explain to someone that everything bad that happens in your life falls back in your mind to a horrific moment of rape? Even things you don't normally associate with it, finds a root in that moment. Every little hurt becomes compacted, one with the pain of that moment... Who knew 5 minutes could destroy you for a lifetime?
I get it. I get why no one wants to be my friend anymore. It's made me a monster. When every pain gets confused with that one, small hurts tantamount to full-force grief and anger becomes unleashed. Anger with myself that I let it happen. Anger with myself for loving him. Anger with myself for not going to the cops sooner because I wanted to be... nice. Anger at myself for always having let myself be the doormat that way, never standing up for myself until now. Anger for everyone that dropped me when I did. Anger that I did... whatever it was I did to prompt him to do this. Anger that so many so often think hurting someone like me like this is ok. So much anger. So much grief. The list is truly endless.
And all I want is to forget. Forget being made the fool. Forget what that betrayal feels like.
But someone always seems to bring it up by making me feel the fool for have chosen them as friends. I get that they can't understand or have any desire to deal with it, and so I forgive them for being human. But... well... they somehow get to get off scot-free and I don't. I don't ever get to be human- normal- again. Because I can't make what seems rational in my mind make sense to this outside world.
In my mind, it makes no sense that my best friend would make excuses for the man who raped me, try to talk me into being with him and make friends with him then hide that he told her he never loved me, but rather wanted to be with her and lets you fall flat on your back when you discover his pursuit of other women (add insult to the injury of rape and betrayal) another way. But she explains "he did it because he loved you" and you let it go though you know true love would never dream of hurting the one they love in such a way. You forgive when she says she just didn't want to tell you and let you get hurt more, and find closure when she chooses you over him, only to have her rip those wounds wide open again by dropping you like a hot potato when you needed her most, defriend you who she swore to always be there for and go back to being friends with the one who hurt you so much. She prefers the company of a man who cheats on her and friends who let him cheat on her with them to you simply because you asked her to stop play-flirting with the man you love. So he is an "ex"... he's barely an ex, and you're both still in love with each other. So what if it was play-flirting? Just hearing some of the nasty things said made you think of the one before who you'd lost to her, even if it wasn't her intent. Someone who you loved deeply then rapes you, then chooses her over you. Discarded like yesterday's trash. Is that really all I'm good for?
And so I hate myself because they obviously hated me. And I think I must be something thoroughly repulsive because that's just one story out of a million... To have so many treat me like garbage, I must be worthy of that title somehow, no? And I think I become more and more so since I react out of pain and anger a lot more now and often seem incapable of doing otherwise...
One story out of a million, but one fresh on my mind because of last night. Because I still love him. Stupidly, though I love others more, I miss what he and I once had. He was once my everything friend who listened like my best friend and boyfriend now do. I could always count on him... until that night. And last night, I got to relive it after attempting to make things right between he and I again, only to hear of how they both continue to hate me for... what? I said a hurtful thing or two, but the words don't cut as deep as their actions. I've had many a friend cut me down to size with their words- and even their actions. We all have reactions and stupidly react more than conscious act, but true friends, I have come to realize might react at first, then make a conscious decision to make it right again. Because friendship is worth more than our instincts. Our human instinct is to fight, to lash out, strike back in an effort to survive. But love is worth fighting for... As said in "She's out of my League", "if someone loves you, then you ARE a 10." You might be worthless, but somehow, love makes you worth it. And when someone's worth it, you will do everything to keep them. My best friends today, are those I have fought a million times with, but what has kept us alive is that we love each other so much that we fight a million and one times FOR that person. The fight for love goes a little beyond everything else. Sacrificially, we go beyond our human instincts, which seems impossible, beyond human strength, to find we have the strength after all, maybe not just in ourselves, but in our relationships with them.
And suddenly, I realize why I keep fighting for people who obviously don't want me... because I love them that much.
But I am still learning... there has to be a time to let them go, or their view of me will keep me questioning my worth. Will keep me from loving others.
I am a lover. And I fight for love...
But when love doesn't fight back, it can destroy you.
And I find myself hesitant to love so fully again.
A vicious circle... because love is vulnerable. It's giving someone the capability to hurt you, but trusting that they won't. But so many don't love back. Does that mean we stop loving? How do you guard yourself and keep from holding back- not punishing those who don't yet deserve it along with those that do- all at once? I'm struggling to find that balance as well as to fight when I seem to have no reason that I can find my reason. Or to become my own reason, but not be self-centered. To preserve me, and fight for friendship, but know when to let go... to recognize when the saying is true that I read online: "I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were." To see we all have worth, but that maybe, they weren't worth the pain they gave me... Which is it? I guess I will keep trying to figure it out...
Long story short, I lashed out at another friend in my grief. I'm trying not to talk about it a lot, because I know people are fed up with hearing about the hard parts in my life, same time, I really need to vent... I haven't yet met but one person who seems to understand, even though I've come to discover that a lot of people I know have been rape (or other sort of abuse) victims... Thankfully, at least my boyfriend and my best friend listen to me attempt to explain...
I mean really, how do you explain to someone that everything bad that happens in your life falls back in your mind to a horrific moment of rape? Even things you don't normally associate with it, finds a root in that moment. Every little hurt becomes compacted, one with the pain of that moment... Who knew 5 minutes could destroy you for a lifetime?
I get it. I get why no one wants to be my friend anymore. It's made me a monster. When every pain gets confused with that one, small hurts tantamount to full-force grief and anger becomes unleashed. Anger with myself that I let it happen. Anger with myself for loving him. Anger with myself for not going to the cops sooner because I wanted to be... nice. Anger at myself for always having let myself be the doormat that way, never standing up for myself until now. Anger for everyone that dropped me when I did. Anger that I did... whatever it was I did to prompt him to do this. Anger that so many so often think hurting someone like me like this is ok. So much anger. So much grief. The list is truly endless.
And all I want is to forget. Forget being made the fool. Forget what that betrayal feels like.
But someone always seems to bring it up by making me feel the fool for have chosen them as friends. I get that they can't understand or have any desire to deal with it, and so I forgive them for being human. But... well... they somehow get to get off scot-free and I don't. I don't ever get to be human- normal- again. Because I can't make what seems rational in my mind make sense to this outside world.
In my mind, it makes no sense that my best friend would make excuses for the man who raped me, try to talk me into being with him and make friends with him then hide that he told her he never loved me, but rather wanted to be with her and lets you fall flat on your back when you discover his pursuit of other women (add insult to the injury of rape and betrayal) another way. But she explains "he did it because he loved you" and you let it go though you know true love would never dream of hurting the one they love in such a way. You forgive when she says she just didn't want to tell you and let you get hurt more, and find closure when she chooses you over him, only to have her rip those wounds wide open again by dropping you like a hot potato when you needed her most, defriend you who she swore to always be there for and go back to being friends with the one who hurt you so much. She prefers the company of a man who cheats on her and friends who let him cheat on her with them to you simply because you asked her to stop play-flirting with the man you love. So he is an "ex"... he's barely an ex, and you're both still in love with each other. So what if it was play-flirting? Just hearing some of the nasty things said made you think of the one before who you'd lost to her, even if it wasn't her intent. Someone who you loved deeply then rapes you, then chooses her over you. Discarded like yesterday's trash. Is that really all I'm good for?
And so I hate myself because they obviously hated me. And I think I must be something thoroughly repulsive because that's just one story out of a million... To have so many treat me like garbage, I must be worthy of that title somehow, no? And I think I become more and more so since I react out of pain and anger a lot more now and often seem incapable of doing otherwise...
One story out of a million, but one fresh on my mind because of last night. Because I still love him. Stupidly, though I love others more, I miss what he and I once had. He was once my everything friend who listened like my best friend and boyfriend now do. I could always count on him... until that night. And last night, I got to relive it after attempting to make things right between he and I again, only to hear of how they both continue to hate me for... what? I said a hurtful thing or two, but the words don't cut as deep as their actions. I've had many a friend cut me down to size with their words- and even their actions. We all have reactions and stupidly react more than conscious act, but true friends, I have come to realize might react at first, then make a conscious decision to make it right again. Because friendship is worth more than our instincts. Our human instinct is to fight, to lash out, strike back in an effort to survive. But love is worth fighting for... As said in "She's out of my League", "if someone loves you, then you ARE a 10." You might be worthless, but somehow, love makes you worth it. And when someone's worth it, you will do everything to keep them. My best friends today, are those I have fought a million times with, but what has kept us alive is that we love each other so much that we fight a million and one times FOR that person. The fight for love goes a little beyond everything else. Sacrificially, we go beyond our human instincts, which seems impossible, beyond human strength, to find we have the strength after all, maybe not just in ourselves, but in our relationships with them.
And suddenly, I realize why I keep fighting for people who obviously don't want me... because I love them that much.
But I am still learning... there has to be a time to let them go, or their view of me will keep me questioning my worth. Will keep me from loving others.
I am a lover. And I fight for love...
But when love doesn't fight back, it can destroy you.
And I find myself hesitant to love so fully again.
A vicious circle... because love is vulnerable. It's giving someone the capability to hurt you, but trusting that they won't. But so many don't love back. Does that mean we stop loving? How do you guard yourself and keep from holding back- not punishing those who don't yet deserve it along with those that do- all at once? I'm struggling to find that balance as well as to fight when I seem to have no reason that I can find my reason. Or to become my own reason, but not be self-centered. To preserve me, and fight for friendship, but know when to let go... to recognize when the saying is true that I read online: "I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were." To see we all have worth, but that maybe, they weren't worth the pain they gave me... Which is it? I guess I will keep trying to figure it out...
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Coverage of Grace
So I was reading this blog where there was a picture of a “cell phone screen,” which basically modernized a scripture to talk of calling God in a place with “no coverage” I got to thinking...
Lord, in a place
Where this is no coverage of grace
You are the One which shelters me
Though so few can look past my sin
To the heart which lies within
You reach to that part of me
Deep cries to deep
My soul sings, my soul weeps
Humbly, I fall to Your feet
And You lift me up again
You say that I am your kin
And I've been made free
In this world where all have turned away
You do not push me away
Instead You run to me
Where none would forgive my sin
You cleansed me from deep within
And said Your grace was enough for me
I acknowledge my imperfection
You lead me toward the right direction
With every stumble, you grasp me
I gasp at the love You've shown
When left by those who better should have known
Your blood is enough
And You call me Your own
Justified...
More than as if I'd never sinned
But You gave to me eternity
Killed the fatted calf for one such as me
I feel so ashamed
But You raise my head
And tell me to never look down again
You see
You know
And someday
So will they
...
It isn't up to me to say when
It's their choice, their life or death
He purifies me to present me faultless
And the rest?
Is up to Him
They choose what they accept
And they choose when
Do not realize
What they could win
To see it sooner rather than too late
I walk past the gates
Journey into the unknown
Knowing that only He
Is in charge of my future
And the harm will not prevail
And those who do not see the debt as paid
Will simply miss out
On what they could have had today
other inspirations: story of the alabaster box.
story of the prodigal son.
this morning's sermon which touched on justification as more than forgiveness, but a gift on top of that. Much more than we deserve...
And Thursday night's Bible study which talked about the Holy Ghost as found in Galatians 5:16-26... Verse 21 in specific which says 'I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The short version as to how that relates is that “the kingdom of God” means more than Heaven in the after-life, but His kingdom on the earth as we've been called to bring it. Those who are caught up in sin and pettiness... well, they may not be damned to hell with no chance for salvation, but they sure as heck risk missing out on stuff they were supposed to get here because they were too caught up in what they weren't supposed to be... And we're ALL at risk for that one...
I must not be so caught up in the hopeless feeling humans have tried to condemn me to that I lose sight of the fact that His grace is sufficient. I do not wish to say to Him, "Lord, Your blood was not good enough." This is what we say when we've accepted His sacrifice, yet then say "I am not worthy." His aim is to make us so. Why do we keep standing in the way? Who are we to put a "Fail" stamp across any story He works to rewrite?
Lord, in a place
Where this is no coverage of grace
You are the One which shelters me
Though so few can look past my sin
To the heart which lies within
You reach to that part of me
Deep cries to deep
My soul sings, my soul weeps
Humbly, I fall to Your feet
And You lift me up again
You say that I am your kin
And I've been made free
In this world where all have turned away
You do not push me away
Instead You run to me
Where none would forgive my sin
You cleansed me from deep within
And said Your grace was enough for me
I acknowledge my imperfection
You lead me toward the right direction
With every stumble, you grasp me
I gasp at the love You've shown
When left by those who better should have known
Your blood is enough
And You call me Your own
Justified...
More than as if I'd never sinned
But You gave to me eternity
Killed the fatted calf for one such as me
I feel so ashamed
But You raise my head
And tell me to never look down again
You see
You know
And someday
So will they
...
It isn't up to me to say when
It's their choice, their life or death
He purifies me to present me faultless
And the rest?
Is up to Him
They choose what they accept
And they choose when
Do not realize
What they could win
To see it sooner rather than too late
I walk past the gates
Journey into the unknown
Knowing that only He
Is in charge of my future
And the harm will not prevail
And those who do not see the debt as paid
Will simply miss out
On what they could have had today
other inspirations: story of the alabaster box.
story of the prodigal son.
this morning's sermon which touched on justification as more than forgiveness, but a gift on top of that. Much more than we deserve...
And Thursday night's Bible study which talked about the Holy Ghost as found in Galatians 5:16-26... Verse 21 in specific which says 'I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The short version as to how that relates is that “the kingdom of God” means more than Heaven in the after-life, but His kingdom on the earth as we've been called to bring it. Those who are caught up in sin and pettiness... well, they may not be damned to hell with no chance for salvation, but they sure as heck risk missing out on stuff they were supposed to get here because they were too caught up in what they weren't supposed to be... And we're ALL at risk for that one...
I must not be so caught up in the hopeless feeling humans have tried to condemn me to that I lose sight of the fact that His grace is sufficient. I do not wish to say to Him, "Lord, Your blood was not good enough." This is what we say when we've accepted His sacrifice, yet then say "I am not worthy." His aim is to make us so. Why do we keep standing in the way? Who are we to put a "Fail" stamp across any story He works to rewrite?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
someday I'll leave this topic for a while...
but for now I can't stop thinking about how badly things could go. I never did before because we'd always been so amicable. I never saw myself being hated, though I suspected all along that my in-laws hated me.
I don't even know what was said, how, when or why to change anything. Only that at Christmas, there was a gift, but my birthday Colin had to force a phone call out of his dad. Then graduation, cold as ice after a horrid phone call between my mother and Colin's. To have them say one thing and act another.
Only one understands how badly it hurts me because he's seen every tear. Night after night for weeks now. Losing my boys. Everything reminding me of them. Being hated is the worst, especially when you wonder why. They are supposed to be my family, one even swore they would still be whether I kept the name or not. They all knew we were having problems, before my own parents even knew.
Everyone has known for years we weren't working out. But apparently, the moment I decide to move on, I am the enemy. It doesn't matter how long and hard I've fought to keep people from badmouthing my husband and treating him differently. If there is no other honor due him, he is the father of my children and a human being. I would like to think I am worth the same. If nothing else, I gave birth to, and have raised almost single-handedly those boys which you cherished.
By God, if you knew it all, would you still hate me? Would you see only my mistakes or remember that you don't know the whole story? You don't know much of anything. We were too good at keeping up pretenses so now, who would believe me? Why should you assume anything other than "she is a witch"?
I am not the villain people make me out to be. Just human, imperfect. Hurting and searching, but I would never do anything to put anyone in danger or intentionally cause anyone harm... And those who took the time to know the real me, know that. Your son knows that, whatever he may say in hurt or anger over both our failures. I wish someone had given you a chance... I wish I really had been given a chance.
But why should I expect anything after 7 years of hoping and waiting only to discover it's true... There isn't one set of white parents out there that likes me. If you'd met me before Colin proposed, you probably wouldn't have approved then either. I don't fit the mold anyone thinks I should, and it's always been white girls approved for the white boy. Why? I don't know, but I lost my share of potentials that way.
And it doesn't matter what game I play. People prefer lies, but I refuse to speak anything but truth anymore. I can be the total good girl and the total bad one- and yes, I have done both in my lifetime. The temptation has been to say "if my life must be full of hurt either way, give me the path of sin so I can at least have some fun," but I've chosen to attempt the straight and narrow.
Don't see it now. You won't, and I can't force you. Simply, may God have mercy on your soul when the truth becomes known for I know where I stand. And I may be human and make mistakes, but I am no cold-hearted, lost soul. I simply... am.
I don't even know what was said, how, when or why to change anything. Only that at Christmas, there was a gift, but my birthday Colin had to force a phone call out of his dad. Then graduation, cold as ice after a horrid phone call between my mother and Colin's. To have them say one thing and act another.
Only one understands how badly it hurts me because he's seen every tear. Night after night for weeks now. Losing my boys. Everything reminding me of them. Being hated is the worst, especially when you wonder why. They are supposed to be my family, one even swore they would still be whether I kept the name or not. They all knew we were having problems, before my own parents even knew.
Everyone has known for years we weren't working out. But apparently, the moment I decide to move on, I am the enemy. It doesn't matter how long and hard I've fought to keep people from badmouthing my husband and treating him differently. If there is no other honor due him, he is the father of my children and a human being. I would like to think I am worth the same. If nothing else, I gave birth to, and have raised almost single-handedly those boys which you cherished.
By God, if you knew it all, would you still hate me? Would you see only my mistakes or remember that you don't know the whole story? You don't know much of anything. We were too good at keeping up pretenses so now, who would believe me? Why should you assume anything other than "she is a witch"?
I am not the villain people make me out to be. Just human, imperfect. Hurting and searching, but I would never do anything to put anyone in danger or intentionally cause anyone harm... And those who took the time to know the real me, know that. Your son knows that, whatever he may say in hurt or anger over both our failures. I wish someone had given you a chance... I wish I really had been given a chance.
But why should I expect anything after 7 years of hoping and waiting only to discover it's true... There isn't one set of white parents out there that likes me. If you'd met me before Colin proposed, you probably wouldn't have approved then either. I don't fit the mold anyone thinks I should, and it's always been white girls approved for the white boy. Why? I don't know, but I lost my share of potentials that way.
And it doesn't matter what game I play. People prefer lies, but I refuse to speak anything but truth anymore. I can be the total good girl and the total bad one- and yes, I have done both in my lifetime. The temptation has been to say "if my life must be full of hurt either way, give me the path of sin so I can at least have some fun," but I've chosen to attempt the straight and narrow.
Don't see it now. You won't, and I can't force you. Simply, may God have mercy on your soul when the truth becomes known for I know where I stand. And I may be human and make mistakes, but I am no cold-hearted, lost soul. I simply... am.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Why?
That's all I wanna know. I wanna know what was so wrong with me that so many could hurt me so much and be OK with it. What did I do to deserve this life? And don't recount my recent sins to me. No one pays penance BEFORE the sin. I know a lot of the crap I've done was a bad reaction to the crap done to me. I'm just trying to start new. To reclaim any part of me that might be left. I'm trying to do it right, but they all make it so difficult. I don't know what to do to get people to see that I'm not the enemy. I never intended to start a war, but I've been attacked. So now what? Do I attack back? Do I just stand here and take every bullet as if I deserved it? Do I let people continue to kill me or do I somehow arise? I'm not sure if I know how to arise again anymore, but I keep fighting. I know you won't read, but PLEASE, acknowledge that you don't know the whole story. TRY to understand, I may not be the villain he has painted me out to be...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
forgive my whining
But I fear I have nowhere else to vent. I've tried to be good in the way that I don't speak ill of him where mutual friends are. I've taken the blame for it all before the world and he has let me. Even those who hate him, love him, see me as the evil one and beg that we stay together, but who sees all the pain I go through? Who can tell me that THIS is what God would have me endure! I scream and cry so badly, even now that he is gone that I vomit! The pain in my heart is horrendous! Only matched by the pain caused by the one who raped me. Betrayal is the worst pain that ever was, and I feel as though I have been betrayed by the world. I laugh as I read all these articles that say marriage is no bed of roses, but we have to stick with it anyway. If anyone could step back and take a good, long look at my life and my heart... Could they truly say it applies to even me? If this be the grace and love of Christ, I want nothing to do with Him! Fortunately for all of you, I know my God better than that or I would have fallen from Him so long ago! From molestation as a child to abuse from my peers for worshiping God when this was not the "cool" thing to do, to having my leaders at a ministry tell me "you are worthless, and I will do everything in my power to see you get kicked out of here" to having other leaders in that ministry 1) separate me from one of my best friends just because he was a guy or 2) forcing me to break up with my boyfriend as he proposed to me (long story), to being sexually abused at 17 once while abroad with this same ministry, once while I was in Dallas with them... to the hell of a marriage for 7 years that even now continues, to being raped 4 times by 3 different men in 11 months time, suffering through clergy sexual abuse... being told by my husband to kill myself then hearing my mother-in-law thinks I am an unfit mother because I vent about the pain every once and again... I have withstood much. So much! Way too much, and yet I live! I very rarely lash out to hurt back those who hurt me, though admittedly I HAVE done it before. It takes A LOT to break me, push me to that point! I'm on the verge of it yet again which is why I have to let it out before I can't take anymore. The pain has been building... I cling to images in my mind, the few times people have stood up for ME, the times "I love you" has given me the will to keep fighting, Ray's fist hitting the wall every time our first week together he heard a new story. I want no one to exact my justice for me, at least not in a way that would go against any laws, but I do wish justice could come, and my only reprieve is that finally, someone cares enough about me to be hurt and angry for me, and hold me when I can no longer hold myself. Until recently, no one has really cared about me and now... I have enough. I hurt and so I vent, but with their wind beneath my wings, I will make it!
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