It's hard to love yourself when others hate you

And I hate who I've become. I wasn't always this way...
Long story short, I lashed out at another friend in my grief. I'm trying not to talk about it a lot, because I know people are fed up with hearing about the hard parts in my life, same time, I really need to vent... I haven't yet met but one person who seems to understand, even though I've come to discover that a lot of people I know have been rape (or other sort of abuse) victims... Thankfully, at least my boyfriend and my best friend listen to me attempt to explain...

I mean really, how do you explain to someone that everything bad that happens in your life falls back in your mind to a horrific moment of rape? Even things you don't normally associate with it, finds a root in that moment. Every little hurt becomes compacted, one with the pain of that moment... Who knew 5 minutes could destroy you for a lifetime?
I get it. I get why no one wants to be my friend anymore. It's made me a monster. When every pain gets confused with that one, small hurts tantamount to full-force grief and anger becomes unleashed. Anger with myself that I let it happen. Anger with myself for loving him. Anger with myself for not going to the cops sooner because I wanted to be... nice. Anger at myself for always having let myself be the doormat that way, never standing up for myself until now. Anger for everyone that dropped me when I did. Anger that I did... whatever it was I did to prompt him to do this. Anger that so many so often think hurting someone like me like this is ok. So much anger. So much grief. The list is truly endless.
And all I want is to forget. Forget being made the fool. Forget what that betrayal feels like.
But someone always seems to bring it up by making me feel the fool for have chosen them as friends. I get that they can't understand or have any desire to deal with it, and so I forgive them for being human. But... well... they somehow get to get off scot-free and I don't. I don't ever get to be human- normal- again. Because I can't make what seems rational in my mind make sense to this outside world.

In my mind, it makes no sense that my best friend would make excuses for the man who raped me, try to talk me into being with him and make friends with him then hide that he told her he never loved me, but rather wanted to be with her and lets you fall flat on your back when you discover his pursuit of other women (add insult to the injury of rape and betrayal) another way. But she explains "he did it because he loved you" and you let it go though you know true love would never dream of hurting the one they love in such a way. You forgive when she says she just didn't want to tell you and let you get hurt more, and find closure when she chooses you over him, only to have her rip those wounds wide open again by dropping you like a hot potato when you needed her most, defriend you who she swore to always be there for and go back to being friends with the one who hurt you so much. She prefers the company of a man who cheats on her and friends who let him cheat on her with them to you simply because you asked her to stop play-flirting with the man you love. So he is an "ex"... he's barely an ex, and you're both still in love with each other. So what if it was play-flirting? Just hearing some of the nasty things said made you think of the one before who you'd lost to her, even if it wasn't her intent. Someone who you loved deeply then rapes you, then chooses her over you. Discarded like yesterday's trash. Is that really all I'm good for?

And so I hate myself because they obviously hated me. And I think I must be something thoroughly repulsive because that's just one story out of a million... To have so many treat me like garbage, I must be worthy of that title somehow, no? And I think I become more and more so since I react out of pain and anger a lot more now and often seem incapable of doing otherwise...
One story out of a million, but one fresh on my mind because of last night. Because I still love him. Stupidly, though I love others more, I miss what he and I once had. He was once my everything friend who listened like my best friend and boyfriend now do. I could always count on him... until that night. And last night, I got to relive it after attempting to make things right between he and I again, only to hear of how they both continue to hate me for... what? I said a hurtful thing or two, but the words don't cut as deep as their actions. I've had many a friend cut me down to size with their words- and even their actions. We all have reactions and stupidly react more than conscious act, but true friends, I have come to realize might react at first, then make a conscious decision to make it right again. Because friendship is worth more than our instincts. Our human instinct is to fight, to lash out, strike back in an effort to survive. But love is worth fighting for... As said in "She's out of my League", "if someone loves you, then you ARE a 10." You might be worthless, but somehow, love makes you worth it. And when someone's worth it, you will do everything to keep them. My best friends today, are those I have fought a million times with, but what has kept us alive is that we love each other so much that we fight a million and one times FOR that person. The fight for love goes a little beyond everything else. Sacrificially, we go beyond our human instincts, which seems impossible, beyond human strength, to find we have the strength after all, maybe not just in ourselves, but in our relationships with them.

And suddenly, I realize why I keep fighting for people who obviously don't want me... because I love them that much.

But I am still learning... there has to be a time to let them go, or their view of me will keep me questioning my worth. Will keep me from loving others.

I am a lover. And I fight for love...
But when love doesn't fight back, it can destroy you.
And I find myself hesitant to love so fully again.

A vicious circle... because love is vulnerable. It's giving someone the capability to hurt you, but trusting that they won't. But so many don't love back. Does that mean we stop loving? How do you guard yourself and keep from holding back- not punishing those who don't yet deserve it along with those that do- all at once? I'm struggling to find that balance as well as to fight when I seem to have no reason that I can find my reason. Or to become my own reason, but not be self-centered. To preserve me, and fight for friendship, but know when to let go... to recognize when the saying is true that I read online: "I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were." To see we all have worth, but that maybe, they weren't worth the pain they gave me... Which is it? I guess I will keep trying to figure it out...