Sorry my blog isn't a neat little, wrapped up, easy-to-follow story. I've tried telling my life story in that manner time and time again, but it's incredibly difficult when stuff keeps happening... and when some memories I've repressed, and it takes either a trigger or intense concentration to even remember... and then remembering does other things...
I've been attempting to write my HA story out, but... well, it's much the same as essentially 14 of my 27 years are so wrapped up in Teen Mania experiences, from watching ATF TV and God using it to spare my life as a teenager, to the girl who keeps falling for friends from my many years in the ministry, only to have them use and abuse me.
*sigh* That's the major down-side to telling my story anywhere. And I keep trying... then running. Because the telling hurts, and whenever I start to find healing and make my life right again, two sets of people ultimately come along...
1)The people who "love" you, want to help you, rescue you, lead you, guide you, etc because they feel for you... they feel for you until they feel you up. The frustrating thing is I was able to be raped as many times as I have because of this. If I seem cold and callous some days, it's because I'm working so hard on being less trusting because I'm finding out a lot of people simply aren't worth my trust. 1st rape, long story short I felt I deserved. 2nd time this guy did this was a complicated thing, but I made sure the men in my life knew where I was coming from if they wanted to date me. Big mistake. I somehow believed Mark when he said he couldn't believe the guy would do that, how horrible blah blah and then he does it himself, in the most violent way of any of those who've attacked me, and this one was the most scarring. You'd think I'd learn after that, especially in all the other betrayals that followed, but I trusted a friend from the ministry because he looked good, pure and I thought I could because I know (or thought I knew) the teachings of the ministry until he was able to do the same. I retreated from the world then. I went from over 400 friends on Facebook to 24 people I felt I KNEW I could trust... people who didn't fall or seem like they could fall in category 1 or 2...
2)The people who do nothing more than preach at you in a condemning way or abandon you because they know you have issues. Unless you do things exactly as they think you should, they don't believe that you want to make things right and blame you for everything that goes wrong. I've been being harassed by one such man lately. I changed facebook profiles and blocked him on one only to have him follow me and begin harassing me again. I want to get a restraining order, but as this one guy is a former friend of Ray's, I find myself hesitating again.
Some days, I think I'm too nice. Same time, I don't believe in vengeance. I'm not sure I know the difference between that and defending/protecting myself.
Tons more I could vent about but I don't feel like looking for a connection, so perhaps another blog...
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