loss...

I feel like something inside me has died and refuses to live again.
I have way too much love in my heart, make myself thoroughly vulnerable to people who tend to abuse my trust and hurt me where I'm most vulnerable. I grow weaker with every jab. And I grieve for a lifetime... And feel as if I'm 70 inside, just waiting for my time to finally come. Relief, peace... Parts of me grow stronger, where other parts of me grow weaker. I keep saying "enough is enough" to everyone who uses me, but unable to truly let anyone go, a part of me says, "don't go..."
And I only look the part of the liar. How can anyone believe I meant an "I love you" when I appear to move on so easily? It's easy for me to find someone else to give my heart to, but that hardly means I let the last person go. I don't know that I ever truly can. Love stores up, and with it, my grief. Is there a relief? I've said before that I long for death, but I don't. I just long to be the cold, callous person people think I am. I can put up a good front and appear hardened, but it is glass... You could look straight through me if you tried, and you can shatter my heart into a million tears if you would test the strength of my resolve.
I long for a freedom I don't think was ever meant for a lover/artist...