Thursday, February 24, 2011
"consequences of sin"
If I am truly forgiven all that I have repented of, then my only sin has been existing.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
It was the best of times...
So really, I have been blogging and ranting a lot as usual, just been doing more so on facebook lately as a part of my desire to stop hiding (I have been bullied back into the darkness far too many times). For the most part, things have really been looking up lately, and I only have God to thank for it. The short of it is that I have been clinging to and realizing the fullness of His grace and love like never before, and it has done wonders for my soul.
Also, Ray's ex consented to let the girls attend my younger son's birthday party last weekend (the court order was that the girls were to have a year of counseling prior to any contact with us, but mercifully- as I believe this is to the girl's benefit- she has decided to over-ride the order with her own personal consent)... There was a bit of a battle at first, yes, because of my uber honesty online. The short of it on that end was that their side is having the most difficult time dealing... family making trouble though she has been wanting to make things work, seeing the work God is doing in my heart and Ray's etc and creating drama over things like me posting pictures of the girls and calling them my future step-daughters. I have pulled back on some of that for the time being, though I know it to be the truth, and love those girls with everything in me and wish to show my pride for them every bit as much as I wish to do the same for my own. In the end, not only did she allow them to come, but brought them herself and stayed for the party. That was a very good day for me, though again, I held back a lot, not wanting to overstep any bounds yet again, but the thing is that I want her to feel like part of the family always and forever because she is (I would also like to name her Coda's godmother, but neither of us feels it's quite the time for that yet). Family for me is so much more than a piece of paper or a little DNA, though in her case, DNA proves it as the girls share both hers and Ray's just as I feel that regardless of my legal standing (my divorce is STILL being help up for the time being), my son ties us all together as well for the mixing of blood... but that is a blog unto itself.
Something changed in all of us that day... seeing my dad follow those girls around, sensing his own acceptance into our family, her admitting some stuff to Ray that I think she'd only admitted to me before and them being able to talk a lot of stuff through more thoroughly, change was visible, tangible even so that with all the challenges that have happened since, somehow we have been flooded with peace even still...
Hope is alive in there somewhere even when our church refused to help Ray after Ray's church turned him away... Even when, once his initial hurt dissolved, Ray turned to his former pastor and a former friend attempting to extend the hand of friendship, sit at the peace table and talk yet they have been ignoring his pleas... Even when his "parents" (grandparents who raised him) refuse to give us a second look still, even when situations force us to wait on their front lawn... Even when my ex's family began publicly accusing me of stuff not only completely untrue, but proving how none of them ever got to know the real me and (though I hate to), I must suspect my ex of him doing many things out of his own hurt because of how he has always reacted (he makes it look as though he is on my side and being peaceable etc yet either something comes out that only he could have said or avoiding answering specific questions that need answering etc)... despite the fact that in a few days time, I lose my only chance at redeeming myself from some debt and avoiding court simply because my debtors can't wait a month or two...
Hope is even stronger today. I won a contest last night that, in short, enabled me to extend invitation to the girls yet again on an outing and again, she consented. For a full day, it was me, Ray, my boys and his girls... and it was glorious. His youngest was finally able to open up to me, and all the kids said so many sweet things that I wished everyone else could hear... I wish that others could see this evidence of God within our lives, within the children- the peace, the love, etc and hear His truth spoken in it all. The brokenness doesn't have to be the end... and I can't wait for the world to know that, too!
Also, Ray's ex consented to let the girls attend my younger son's birthday party last weekend (the court order was that the girls were to have a year of counseling prior to any contact with us, but mercifully- as I believe this is to the girl's benefit- she has decided to over-ride the order with her own personal consent)... There was a bit of a battle at first, yes, because of my uber honesty online. The short of it on that end was that their side is having the most difficult time dealing... family making trouble though she has been wanting to make things work, seeing the work God is doing in my heart and Ray's etc and creating drama over things like me posting pictures of the girls and calling them my future step-daughters. I have pulled back on some of that for the time being, though I know it to be the truth, and love those girls with everything in me and wish to show my pride for them every bit as much as I wish to do the same for my own. In the end, not only did she allow them to come, but brought them herself and stayed for the party. That was a very good day for me, though again, I held back a lot, not wanting to overstep any bounds yet again, but the thing is that I want her to feel like part of the family always and forever because she is (I would also like to name her Coda's godmother, but neither of us feels it's quite the time for that yet). Family for me is so much more than a piece of paper or a little DNA, though in her case, DNA proves it as the girls share both hers and Ray's just as I feel that regardless of my legal standing (my divorce is STILL being help up for the time being), my son ties us all together as well for the mixing of blood... but that is a blog unto itself.
Something changed in all of us that day... seeing my dad follow those girls around, sensing his own acceptance into our family, her admitting some stuff to Ray that I think she'd only admitted to me before and them being able to talk a lot of stuff through more thoroughly, change was visible, tangible even so that with all the challenges that have happened since, somehow we have been flooded with peace even still...
Hope is alive in there somewhere even when our church refused to help Ray after Ray's church turned him away... Even when, once his initial hurt dissolved, Ray turned to his former pastor and a former friend attempting to extend the hand of friendship, sit at the peace table and talk yet they have been ignoring his pleas... Even when his "parents" (grandparents who raised him) refuse to give us a second look still, even when situations force us to wait on their front lawn... Even when my ex's family began publicly accusing me of stuff not only completely untrue, but proving how none of them ever got to know the real me and (though I hate to), I must suspect my ex of him doing many things out of his own hurt because of how he has always reacted (he makes it look as though he is on my side and being peaceable etc yet either something comes out that only he could have said or avoiding answering specific questions that need answering etc)... despite the fact that in a few days time, I lose my only chance at redeeming myself from some debt and avoiding court simply because my debtors can't wait a month or two...
Hope is even stronger today. I won a contest last night that, in short, enabled me to extend invitation to the girls yet again on an outing and again, she consented. For a full day, it was me, Ray, my boys and his girls... and it was glorious. His youngest was finally able to open up to me, and all the kids said so many sweet things that I wished everyone else could hear... I wish that others could see this evidence of God within our lives, within the children- the peace, the love, etc and hear His truth spoken in it all. The brokenness doesn't have to be the end... and I can't wait for the world to know that, too!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Hated
Do you have any idea what it feels like to be hated for being a victim?
By now, everyone knows I had an affair while I was married. Several in fact. But that's all anyone hears. The "A" word always becomes the defining characteristic for a person the instant that it is heard. No one ever takes a second look at the Hester Prynnes of the world anymore than most will give a second look to a murderer or a rapist. Somehow we automatically get put on the "unforgivable" list, though Biblically it is said that all sins are on the same level and only one is truly unforgivable. That last fact gets nodded at and amen'd throughout Christianity, but actions prove it is not truly believed.
At this time, I do not need to say what happened prior to things going that far, but suffice it to say I was in a world of hurt from which there seemed to be no release, and feeling unwanted, I began talking divorce with Colin. The second I did, however, people rushed at me with the same "it's taboo" attitude of what would come, condemning me, shaming me for my pain. Instead of looking to help me find healing, everyone shoved me into a corner where I cried silently until all tears were gone and I blocked out all emotion for fear of being torn apart. I was like that for a couple of years before I met a man I will call Damon.
Meeting Damon is a complicated story in itself, which I have already dramatized in a piece of fiction for a class. The way he seduced me from my emotional shell is a beautiful tale all its own, but one whose horrific ending I have never told before now. As far as everyone knows. I willingly succumbed to him fully. I did melt as he was the first person in years to give any sort of attention to me and my pain. He wasn't a Christian, so his approach to me had nothing to do with what I should do, and how I shouldn't hurt, his reaction was merely "you are worth someone listening to." The bitter end of that, however, was an affair that began because he insisted I owed something to him... In the simplest terms: he raped me. That was February 2008.
In March, I confessed to Colin out of guilt I had been convinced of, but a month after that, I discovered that he had a huge secret all his own that he had been keeping since at least November. The devastation of that betrayal led in short to more affairs, this time, willing. It wasn't until I was raped in such a violent manner that it is a miracle I survived that I began studying up on the effects and definition of rape to realize almost every experience with a guy up to a certain point was a direct emotional response of rape. I often felt that I was living outside of myself and making decisions that were not my own, and there were many instances I could not even remember. Granted, there was at least one who could claim he had no idea that I was mentally incapacitated at the time- same time, I insist he had to know as I had also been drinking to forget that very night.
I am not excusing myself away. I did make decisions of my own during this time- not every instance was rape or coercion, however, this is why I am such a huge advocate for hearing people out, not judging, loving first and all those sorts of things. It took me finally finding truly good-intentioned people for me to climb out of myself enough that I could end the cycle that had begun and let the healing begin. It is still a huge struggle because even this doesn't tell half of what I went through or how others have reacted. I cannot however help but be frustrated at those who treat me according to my sin when they could not treat me according to my hurt, which could have helped keep me from falling as far as I did for it continues even today. I hope and pray that I am stronger now that even the damage they attempt to exact will not find fruition against me.
By now, everyone knows I had an affair while I was married. Several in fact. But that's all anyone hears. The "A" word always becomes the defining characteristic for a person the instant that it is heard. No one ever takes a second look at the Hester Prynnes of the world anymore than most will give a second look to a murderer or a rapist. Somehow we automatically get put on the "unforgivable" list, though Biblically it is said that all sins are on the same level and only one is truly unforgivable. That last fact gets nodded at and amen'd throughout Christianity, but actions prove it is not truly believed.
At this time, I do not need to say what happened prior to things going that far, but suffice it to say I was in a world of hurt from which there seemed to be no release, and feeling unwanted, I began talking divorce with Colin. The second I did, however, people rushed at me with the same "it's taboo" attitude of what would come, condemning me, shaming me for my pain. Instead of looking to help me find healing, everyone shoved me into a corner where I cried silently until all tears were gone and I blocked out all emotion for fear of being torn apart. I was like that for a couple of years before I met a man I will call Damon.
Meeting Damon is a complicated story in itself, which I have already dramatized in a piece of fiction for a class. The way he seduced me from my emotional shell is a beautiful tale all its own, but one whose horrific ending I have never told before now. As far as everyone knows. I willingly succumbed to him fully. I did melt as he was the first person in years to give any sort of attention to me and my pain. He wasn't a Christian, so his approach to me had nothing to do with what I should do, and how I shouldn't hurt, his reaction was merely "you are worth someone listening to." The bitter end of that, however, was an affair that began because he insisted I owed something to him... In the simplest terms: he raped me. That was February 2008.
In March, I confessed to Colin out of guilt I had been convinced of, but a month after that, I discovered that he had a huge secret all his own that he had been keeping since at least November. The devastation of that betrayal led in short to more affairs, this time, willing. It wasn't until I was raped in such a violent manner that it is a miracle I survived that I began studying up on the effects and definition of rape to realize almost every experience with a guy up to a certain point was a direct emotional response of rape. I often felt that I was living outside of myself and making decisions that were not my own, and there were many instances I could not even remember. Granted, there was at least one who could claim he had no idea that I was mentally incapacitated at the time- same time, I insist he had to know as I had also been drinking to forget that very night.
I am not excusing myself away. I did make decisions of my own during this time- not every instance was rape or coercion, however, this is why I am such a huge advocate for hearing people out, not judging, loving first and all those sorts of things. It took me finally finding truly good-intentioned people for me to climb out of myself enough that I could end the cycle that had begun and let the healing begin. It is still a huge struggle because even this doesn't tell half of what I went through or how others have reacted. I cannot however help but be frustrated at those who treat me according to my sin when they could not treat me according to my hurt, which could have helped keep me from falling as far as I did for it continues even today. I hope and pray that I am stronger now that even the damage they attempt to exact will not find fruition against me.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Easy A Featurette Official (HD)
Cheesy film, I know, but I don't know that anyone will ever quite get what it meant to me in many different ways. Sure, my own indiscretions weren't all lie, but they certainly were blown out of proportion by some, and I've had the feeling my entire life... plus, I just love the parents and think they are really cool- real, funny... *sigh* I could write a blog about it, but why? At least here and now...
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Love and Judgment?
Was recently asked if I think I've followed my beliefs- have I exuded the love I deem most important? Due to my nature (& the nature of the asker), it was difficult to answer positively, though I believe I have. Mistakes should not define us with no regard to our heart & the actions following.
But what do you say when being asked by one who will (likely) forever only see your mistakes, and look at you through a veil of hurt, anger, & judgment- opposite traits to their own beliefs should they really dig inside themselves to see that, without becoming accusing & battering them with a truth they are not equipped to hear? I see full well what I have done, and choose to move forward from this moment on. But, even if they have tried to play Holy Ghost/conscience in my life and beat me up with what I have done wrong, I will not do the same. It's not my place. Nor is it as meaningful a lesson learned when you do not learn it first hand.
Doing my best not to focus on how they hurt me, exacting their own revenge, yet talking themselves out of realizing that by calling it the "natural consequences" of my decisions... I've said it before and I will say it again, they cease to be natural the moment you set your hand to it. They also had the choice to react and continue to make (IMO) the wrong one, justifying themselves... I hope and I pray...
...And wonder silently to myself if my musings aloud are a form of gossip even without the detail? *sigh*... I am learning and trying like the rest of you...
But what do you say when being asked by one who will (likely) forever only see your mistakes, and look at you through a veil of hurt, anger, & judgment- opposite traits to their own beliefs should they really dig inside themselves to see that, without becoming accusing & battering them with a truth they are not equipped to hear? I see full well what I have done, and choose to move forward from this moment on. But, even if they have tried to play Holy Ghost/conscience in my life and beat me up with what I have done wrong, I will not do the same. It's not my place. Nor is it as meaningful a lesson learned when you do not learn it first hand.
Doing my best not to focus on how they hurt me, exacting their own revenge, yet talking themselves out of realizing that by calling it the "natural consequences" of my decisions... I've said it before and I will say it again, they cease to be natural the moment you set your hand to it. They also had the choice to react and continue to make (IMO) the wrong one, justifying themselves... I hope and I pray...
...And wonder silently to myself if my musings aloud are a form of gossip even without the detail? *sigh*... I am learning and trying like the rest of you...
Monday, December 20, 2010
Against Lies (esp. to children under the guise of "sparing them')
"The accelerated velocity of terminological inexactitude" (one of “Easy A”'s Facebook quotes of the day) fits well with my some of my thoughts today (and translates to "the speed of a rumor or lie", btw). I have been amazed at how certain things said about me spread. I do not maintain full innocence, nor full guilt, but few know everything...
Enter, again, my favorite band, TSO. “Still it's been rumored this thing must be/Why is then that you act surprised... And now you claim you are not prepared...See it rising/stare and wonder/Hear it beckon/You to dance/Feel it hold you/Take you under/I'm your god of second chance”- Mephistopheles
Yes, I know this song is really about something else entirely, yet deals with the "do we forget & erase it/pretend it never was or take the good with the bad?" question our families are currently facing... I am frustrated with hearing one person say that because of the heartache of this world, it would be better that the children had not existed (at least, this is how it sounded). No, the world is far from easy, and I wish I could take back the negative effects of mistakes I have made, but I refuse to adopt the idea that any of my children are a mistake- for me, this includes ALL of the kids: the boys from my marriage to Colin, the girls from Ray's marriage to Janet, and Coda, who will receive the brunt of it all for being the “bastard son of a peasant” if you will (“Ever After”).
I more than anyone understand the desire to save my children from the heartache of the world, and erase all the bad that happened in my past, and I don't want them growing up thinking I was ever right for how I entered into my current relationship, but having a "why?" child as obsessed with the truth as I makes everything so much easier... my decision to give my children the truth, at least. And the truth is, I want to spare them, yet I refuse to shelter them to the degree I was sheltered as a child because I now see there was more harm than good, keeping them from reality. This does not spare them heartache, but in the end creates more.
I do not wish to lie to them and send the wrong message of the world just because stuff isn't convenient any more than I want them to think I never make mistakes and neither will they... I want them to understand the devastation mistakes bring, but not leave them wallowing in hopelessness either. Life is messy and painful BUT life can be beautiful, and grace is the greatest lesson they can ever learn. Forgiveness and love are what I wish for them to come away with in the end. "After the rain, we can look to the sky again." New life AFTER the pain means a million times more than a life without pain. I am experiencing a 2nd chance I had once given up on, and no, it didn't happen the greatest way, but I see what it's being made into, and what it could yet be, and really wish I could shout the possibilities to the world and have them understand this marvelous feeling of grace.
But we are all in different places yet. I have had years of heartache to bring me to this point and I do not envy others the journey they must take if they want to come to this point as well, and I DO regret that I unwittingly played a part in exacting the pain upon them. This is part of which is untrue- that I had intention of causing pain, and do not care for anyone now. I made mistakes. I can't take them back, but I also refuse to wallow in misery and find everything broken beyond all repair. I know that we will all come out stronger in the end if we offer all this pain up to the real God of second chances & to the realization that lies and masks will not take us there, though they seem to make it all temporarily better. Love and Truth are the only things that will change us if we let them (and to me, God is both... He is “not tame, but He is good.”)
Enter, again, my favorite band, TSO. “Still it's been rumored this thing must be/Why is then that you act surprised... And now you claim you are not prepared...See it rising/stare and wonder/Hear it beckon/You to dance/Feel it hold you/Take you under/I'm your god of second chance”- Mephistopheles
Yes, I know this song is really about something else entirely, yet deals with the "do we forget & erase it/pretend it never was or take the good with the bad?" question our families are currently facing... I am frustrated with hearing one person say that because of the heartache of this world, it would be better that the children had not existed (at least, this is how it sounded). No, the world is far from easy, and I wish I could take back the negative effects of mistakes I have made, but I refuse to adopt the idea that any of my children are a mistake- for me, this includes ALL of the kids: the boys from my marriage to Colin, the girls from Ray's marriage to Janet, and Coda, who will receive the brunt of it all for being the “bastard son of a peasant” if you will (“Ever After”).
I more than anyone understand the desire to save my children from the heartache of the world, and erase all the bad that happened in my past, and I don't want them growing up thinking I was ever right for how I entered into my current relationship, but having a "why?" child as obsessed with the truth as I makes everything so much easier... my decision to give my children the truth, at least. And the truth is, I want to spare them, yet I refuse to shelter them to the degree I was sheltered as a child because I now see there was more harm than good, keeping them from reality. This does not spare them heartache, but in the end creates more.
I do not wish to lie to them and send the wrong message of the world just because stuff isn't convenient any more than I want them to think I never make mistakes and neither will they... I want them to understand the devastation mistakes bring, but not leave them wallowing in hopelessness either. Life is messy and painful BUT life can be beautiful, and grace is the greatest lesson they can ever learn. Forgiveness and love are what I wish for them to come away with in the end. "After the rain, we can look to the sky again." New life AFTER the pain means a million times more than a life without pain. I am experiencing a 2nd chance I had once given up on, and no, it didn't happen the greatest way, but I see what it's being made into, and what it could yet be, and really wish I could shout the possibilities to the world and have them understand this marvelous feeling of grace.
But we are all in different places yet. I have had years of heartache to bring me to this point and I do not envy others the journey they must take if they want to come to this point as well, and I DO regret that I unwittingly played a part in exacting the pain upon them. This is part of which is untrue- that I had intention of causing pain, and do not care for anyone now. I made mistakes. I can't take them back, but I also refuse to wallow in misery and find everything broken beyond all repair. I know that we will all come out stronger in the end if we offer all this pain up to the real God of second chances & to the realization that lies and masks will not take us there, though they seem to make it all temporarily better. Love and Truth are the only things that will change us if we let them (and to me, God is both... He is “not tame, but He is good.”)
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Personalities & Mediators; My Thoughts on Today
AKA: "Yes, I Will Be Nice and Remove the Barrage of Status Updates, Turning Them Instead Into an Insanely Long Blog"
Ok, I'm honest, but that doesn't mean I'm never reserved either. It's difficult to say some of the things in my heart, no matter how passionate I feel about them when I encounter people of certain personalities. Especially when all I wanna do is cry... Usually, it's just confrontational, but right now, I'm thinking also other personalities in general. I have many passions and beliefs I wish to get across, but will avoid them and attach to the things we have in common to promote peace, and avoid confrontation & tears.
I am learning all this, the more that I deal with people of other personality types, rather than avoid them altogether... For instance, today meant sitting down with Ray's ex so that we could get to know one another as it is now obvious, we are meant to be a permanent part of each other's lives. For her, she needs to know that she can trust me to be around/care for her children. For me, I'm wishing to apologize and explain- if nothing else, how much I want to be a part of their lives, not from guilt (though there certainly is that; I am not heartless) but because I'm thoroughly enamored with them.
This is something that is not easily understood. I do not “know” them, how could I love them? How does a mother love the child she has never seen, before she even feels the first kick within the womb? For me, it was much the same as that, and much as I felt a kinship with Ray from the very beginning, much as I completely gravitate toward people with certain personalities and make them my instant families/best friends, etc. If this is not enough, they are girls- which I have always longed to give birth to girls of my own (a journey of which can be better understood through my “Mom of Men” blog). They are his, a part of him, and I love him. Their personalities, much like Ray's mirrors mine, echoes the personalities of my own children. I would think that all of this combined could offer an explanation to those which would require it.
In any case feel I failed in making these points, only because they weren't really brought up. Between her questions and her personality, I felt it best to put them aside for the time being rather than scream, “I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTERS, PLEEEEASE LET ME SPEND TIME WITH THEM!” This does not mean my heart stops screaming it. And I am respecting her decisions as their mother, though I do not agree with what is thought to be best in all instances, and my heart breaks at half the words. I also know that if I said all I wished to, I would end up collapsing in a heap of tears, with the flood of emotions that constantly assaults me, particularly on this matter. I merely sat, latching onto and expounding those things which we have in common, answered what I could, and attempted to explain some things Ray has lamented to me his inability to communicate as well as his personality, of which I share much. It became obvious in the course of all this that much of what I watched them blame each other for stemmed from these personality conflicts. It is insanely difficult, in my experience, to not make assumptions so that hearts be known, and lives lived peacefully, yet not impossible.
I got to thinking about this again later in the evening, when my parents were to meet me with the boys at a walk-through nativity. Long story short, they got so lost, they couldn't even tell me where they were so that I could have an idea how to direct them. I expressed the desire to attach a tracking device to their vehicle that I could find them, and realized, the concept kinda works toward the personality issue as well. I feel there needs to be some sort of mediator between personalities that can successfully interpret both and help steer them toward each other.
As for my own personality, which Ray shares, I daresay not even many of the professionals seem capable of assessing us. The more we talked, the more I saw this, and realized it wasn't just me! This also helps me to see that I am not what is perceived, which I already know, yet tend to lose sight of when around the more aggressive, authoratative or self-sufficient types such as my mother, my last boss, or this woman. Everyone thinks they know each other, us especially because we rarely stand up to say otherwise. I am not typically this vocal in a general audience or when addressing these various personality types, which makes me grateful for blogs where I don't have to directly address any specific type and can thus simply be myself, throw caution to the wind and edit as I speak all at once, with no chance to be caught off guard. Granted, the latter part does not happen when social networking because twitter especially becomes more my venting/thinking ground and the thoughts are rarely fully developed and often highly emotional, causing me to appear irrational and ignorant. The silence-as-a-defense-mechanism/peacekeeper-approach also lends to these misconceptions.
I come across as ignorant, fearful, slothful, negative.
The other personalities tend to come off as judgmental, pushy & -strangely- also negative.
The negatives differ, yet both are based on being realistic. Realism often leads to a depressed attitude and talking through the emotions to find a positive side with myself. I always come around, but as the process repeats with every new situation, I appear constantly depressed, particularly when the emotion or silence are the only things expressed. The other is an almost careless "well, what's broken is broken and nothing can fix it" mentality that I don't fully understand. They are looking for solutions, but when they don't find the one they are looking for, they often appear to give up hope and give into the reality as a finality.
I know that neither perception is entirely true. Partly? Certainly, yet the whole story remains untold in the conflict. Assumptions are made. Lives are broken in ways that can be avoided with a little, uncomfortable effort. But who wants to get out of their comfort zone?
All I can offer up for now is this: silence does not equal intimidation or disinterest, but rather a peacekeeper attitude when addressing a more aggressive personality. I can mostly understand others, but rarely make myself understood, the biggest flaw of this personality. As an honest person though, ask, and I shall reveal the answer if the answer is mine to give. And as an artist... well, I'm trying to understand, but must admit, I hold too much hope to be as negative as I know I can appear.
As I used to always say: I am the Master's pieces, broken, but beautiful. In His hands, I know that I can become a masterpiece, whatever else it may be that I have been.
I'm looking for the stained-glass window that my dreamer side insists is a possibility. The vase that was may be broken, but as an artist, I see that this does not need to be the end of all beauty. I wish to know life as it is, but also for it's possibilities. Something was lost, yes, but WE CHOOSE to toss everything away... or be made new. Which is where my heartbreak and our disagreements came in. I will not say what words were exchanged, for that is between us, yet I feel that she has not seen much light at the end of this tunnel I unwittingly shoved her and the girls into, yet she far from lacks determination to move on. We are simply in different places in the process and approaching it from different angles. Having to learn to be patient in this time and stay away when asked are my punishment, though I feel it adds more unfairness to the innocents involved in the situation rather than spares them more heartache. Bearing it silently, and hoping & praying for the stained-glass of these new heartaches to be forged in time are all that I can do.
I also leave you with this challenge, born a bit from the classic cliché you are certain to recognize within: When life hands you lemons, do you merely juggle the lemons or flavor your life that you may savor what remains rather than focus on what does not? The choice is yours.
Ok, I'm honest, but that doesn't mean I'm never reserved either. It's difficult to say some of the things in my heart, no matter how passionate I feel about them when I encounter people of certain personalities. Especially when all I wanna do is cry... Usually, it's just confrontational, but right now, I'm thinking also other personalities in general. I have many passions and beliefs I wish to get across, but will avoid them and attach to the things we have in common to promote peace, and avoid confrontation & tears.
I am learning all this, the more that I deal with people of other personality types, rather than avoid them altogether... For instance, today meant sitting down with Ray's ex so that we could get to know one another as it is now obvious, we are meant to be a permanent part of each other's lives. For her, she needs to know that she can trust me to be around/care for her children. For me, I'm wishing to apologize and explain- if nothing else, how much I want to be a part of their lives, not from guilt (though there certainly is that; I am not heartless) but because I'm thoroughly enamored with them.
This is something that is not easily understood. I do not “know” them, how could I love them? How does a mother love the child she has never seen, before she even feels the first kick within the womb? For me, it was much the same as that, and much as I felt a kinship with Ray from the very beginning, much as I completely gravitate toward people with certain personalities and make them my instant families/best friends, etc. If this is not enough, they are girls- which I have always longed to give birth to girls of my own (a journey of which can be better understood through my “Mom of Men” blog). They are his, a part of him, and I love him. Their personalities, much like Ray's mirrors mine, echoes the personalities of my own children. I would think that all of this combined could offer an explanation to those which would require it.
In any case feel I failed in making these points, only because they weren't really brought up. Between her questions and her personality, I felt it best to put them aside for the time being rather than scream, “I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTERS, PLEEEEASE LET ME SPEND TIME WITH THEM!” This does not mean my heart stops screaming it. And I am respecting her decisions as their mother, though I do not agree with what is thought to be best in all instances, and my heart breaks at half the words. I also know that if I said all I wished to, I would end up collapsing in a heap of tears, with the flood of emotions that constantly assaults me, particularly on this matter. I merely sat, latching onto and expounding those things which we have in common, answered what I could, and attempted to explain some things Ray has lamented to me his inability to communicate as well as his personality, of which I share much. It became obvious in the course of all this that much of what I watched them blame each other for stemmed from these personality conflicts. It is insanely difficult, in my experience, to not make assumptions so that hearts be known, and lives lived peacefully, yet not impossible.
I got to thinking about this again later in the evening, when my parents were to meet me with the boys at a walk-through nativity. Long story short, they got so lost, they couldn't even tell me where they were so that I could have an idea how to direct them. I expressed the desire to attach a tracking device to their vehicle that I could find them, and realized, the concept kinda works toward the personality issue as well. I feel there needs to be some sort of mediator between personalities that can successfully interpret both and help steer them toward each other.
As for my own personality, which Ray shares, I daresay not even many of the professionals seem capable of assessing us. The more we talked, the more I saw this, and realized it wasn't just me! This also helps me to see that I am not what is perceived, which I already know, yet tend to lose sight of when around the more aggressive, authoratative or self-sufficient types such as my mother, my last boss, or this woman. Everyone thinks they know each other, us especially because we rarely stand up to say otherwise. I am not typically this vocal in a general audience or when addressing these various personality types, which makes me grateful for blogs where I don't have to directly address any specific type and can thus simply be myself, throw caution to the wind and edit as I speak all at once, with no chance to be caught off guard. Granted, the latter part does not happen when social networking because twitter especially becomes more my venting/thinking ground and the thoughts are rarely fully developed and often highly emotional, causing me to appear irrational and ignorant. The silence-as-a-defense-mechanism/peacekeeper-approach also lends to these misconceptions.
I come across as ignorant, fearful, slothful, negative.
The other personalities tend to come off as judgmental, pushy & -strangely- also negative.
The negatives differ, yet both are based on being realistic. Realism often leads to a depressed attitude and talking through the emotions to find a positive side with myself. I always come around, but as the process repeats with every new situation, I appear constantly depressed, particularly when the emotion or silence are the only things expressed. The other is an almost careless "well, what's broken is broken and nothing can fix it" mentality that I don't fully understand. They are looking for solutions, but when they don't find the one they are looking for, they often appear to give up hope and give into the reality as a finality.
I know that neither perception is entirely true. Partly? Certainly, yet the whole story remains untold in the conflict. Assumptions are made. Lives are broken in ways that can be avoided with a little, uncomfortable effort. But who wants to get out of their comfort zone?
All I can offer up for now is this: silence does not equal intimidation or disinterest, but rather a peacekeeper attitude when addressing a more aggressive personality. I can mostly understand others, but rarely make myself understood, the biggest flaw of this personality. As an honest person though, ask, and I shall reveal the answer if the answer is mine to give. And as an artist... well, I'm trying to understand, but must admit, I hold too much hope to be as negative as I know I can appear.
As I used to always say: I am the Master's pieces, broken, but beautiful. In His hands, I know that I can become a masterpiece, whatever else it may be that I have been.
I'm looking for the stained-glass window that my dreamer side insists is a possibility. The vase that was may be broken, but as an artist, I see that this does not need to be the end of all beauty. I wish to know life as it is, but also for it's possibilities. Something was lost, yes, but WE CHOOSE to toss everything away... or be made new. Which is where my heartbreak and our disagreements came in. I will not say what words were exchanged, for that is between us, yet I feel that she has not seen much light at the end of this tunnel I unwittingly shoved her and the girls into, yet she far from lacks determination to move on. We are simply in different places in the process and approaching it from different angles. Having to learn to be patient in this time and stay away when asked are my punishment, though I feel it adds more unfairness to the innocents involved in the situation rather than spares them more heartache. Bearing it silently, and hoping & praying for the stained-glass of these new heartaches to be forged in time are all that I can do.
I also leave you with this challenge, born a bit from the classic cliché you are certain to recognize within: When life hands you lemons, do you merely juggle the lemons or flavor your life that you may savor what remains rather than focus on what does not? The choice is yours.
Friday, October 22, 2010
My Reason For Living
Why do they take from me my only reason for living? Every breath I breathe, every moment I put myself through this torture is so that I can spend those few, precious moments with them, and yet they take those from me. I have no other reason to exist but them. Every man has failed me, every "friend" that accepted me when I was stupid fell away when I stopped acting like them, leaving me very much alone. For my boys, and the girls I've seen only twice yet love with all my heart, for my child yet unborn, I would give my everything. But I don't get to do that. I have to pay penance constructed by mere mortals with no shred of God, of love, within them. I am not who I once was, yet for those I wish would accept me now and accept that I am being made new, all that will ever be seen is my old. And for those who I wished could still be there, though we are no longer the same, I am no one if I am not who they wish I could be. And they all have the power to take my only joys from me. Tonight, it is difficult to see a point to continuing.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Whoever was wrong...
I really gotta say, it looks bad for all of them from my angle...
Friend A APPEARS to have distributed unfounded information. Makes me question other accusations and research I have received from this person.
Friend B... well... it was a little public before facts and could use an apology, at least unless further proof can be made. Makes me wonder if I could be next.
Friend C is now covering his butt all over the internet, which makes his statements to me sound... well, like a cover-up to a friend. Makes me feel lied to. I already know some of his dirtiest little secrets, so I know what he's capable of.
Friend D... well, if there really WAS a hack attack against Friend C (I'm not sure who to believe so I don't know)... let's just say he has the know-how and believes Friend A and Friend B so wholeheartedly that I would think he would do it out of courtesy, not ill will or intent to do something illegal, which is still pretty bad I guess. Makes me feel I no longer know who he is.
I don't say this to accuse anyone of anything that APPEARS to be going on (Friend B, regardless of where she got her information cannot deny that she did what she did as proof, last I checked, still existed in full public view. Doubt she cares anyway. Who cares about anyone or anything going against their own personal agenda?). I merely say this because I am frustrated and confused still. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm trying to give them all the benefit of the doubt, but my heart isn't sure how much of this it can take. Why everything feels so personal, I don't think I will ever understand. Things certainly never felt this way before last year (at least not all the time!), and recently it feels that every bit of progress I had made in this area has disappeared. I'm trying oh so hard. But there is no trust left in me. I give more chances, but I think I'm always secretly waiting to be let down again. I hand my heart over just to cringe as I do.
I sob behind closed doors and vent less than I used to (though many think I vent more, when really I vent more about the things that matter less to my heart because I'm tired of these feelings which only get dismissed). I mean who wants to hear about me crying for my lost husband? I'm supposedly the reason he is gone, so I asked for it. Who wants to hear about me feeling betrayed? It's all my fault for internalizing everything. I'm broken. And there is no one who can fix me. I'm broken, and I don't feel anyone thinks I'm worth fixing, and sometimes... I'm not sure I am either. I can't even trust myself. I fear the breaking point coming in which I will tell every dirty little secret I know. I will lose the world if I do. I wouldn't do it because I'm any better, but sometimes I wanna remind my friends of their own humanity and how it has hurt me. I don't wanna become that person. Oh dear God in Heaven, save me!
Friend A APPEARS to have distributed unfounded information. Makes me question other accusations and research I have received from this person.
Friend B... well... it was a little public before facts and could use an apology, at least unless further proof can be made. Makes me wonder if I could be next.
Friend C is now covering his butt all over the internet, which makes his statements to me sound... well, like a cover-up to a friend. Makes me feel lied to. I already know some of his dirtiest little secrets, so I know what he's capable of.
Friend D... well, if there really WAS a hack attack against Friend C (I'm not sure who to believe so I don't know)... let's just say he has the know-how and believes Friend A and Friend B so wholeheartedly that I would think he would do it out of courtesy, not ill will or intent to do something illegal, which is still pretty bad I guess. Makes me feel I no longer know who he is.
I don't say this to accuse anyone of anything that APPEARS to be going on (Friend B, regardless of where she got her information cannot deny that she did what she did as proof, last I checked, still existed in full public view. Doubt she cares anyway. Who cares about anyone or anything going against their own personal agenda?). I merely say this because I am frustrated and confused still. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm trying to give them all the benefit of the doubt, but my heart isn't sure how much of this it can take. Why everything feels so personal, I don't think I will ever understand. Things certainly never felt this way before last year (at least not all the time!), and recently it feels that every bit of progress I had made in this area has disappeared. I'm trying oh so hard. But there is no trust left in me. I give more chances, but I think I'm always secretly waiting to be let down again. I hand my heart over just to cringe as I do.
I sob behind closed doors and vent less than I used to (though many think I vent more, when really I vent more about the things that matter less to my heart because I'm tired of these feelings which only get dismissed). I mean who wants to hear about me crying for my lost husband? I'm supposedly the reason he is gone, so I asked for it. Who wants to hear about me feeling betrayed? It's all my fault for internalizing everything. I'm broken. And there is no one who can fix me. I'm broken, and I don't feel anyone thinks I'm worth fixing, and sometimes... I'm not sure I am either. I can't even trust myself. I fear the breaking point coming in which I will tell every dirty little secret I know. I will lose the world if I do. I wouldn't do it because I'm any better, but sometimes I wanna remind my friends of their own humanity and how it has hurt me. I don't wanna become that person. Oh dear God in Heaven, save me!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Unsure what to do
Again I find myself caught between friends... I had such a beautifully brilliant blog written about this already, but my blackberry decided to crash and burn moments before sending so this is gonna have to be the short version. Friend A, a new friend appears to have accused Friend C of impersonation to Friend B. This has led to Friend B making those accusations public without the slightest idea of what damage would ensue to Friend C's very public (and private) life. I cannot actually accuse friend A as I have no facts and unlike friend B would not dream of exacting unknown damage for the sake of a rumor. Lots of innocent people have been hurt- hacked, emotional distress from a PTSD-sufferer and an impressionable child as well as damage to reputation- when all Friend C wanted to do was help. Furthermore, no retraction, apology, removal of accusation nor attempt to reach out to Friend c has been made though Friend C has been working feverishly to contact Friend B and clear his reputation both. I do not wish to cause any further damage, but feel this great wrong needs to be righted. It casts dark shadows upon many friendships- current and future- and upon the stories and research Friend A typically appears to put into said stories. I know that someone is lying in this, but have no idea who. I don't know where to begin to help. I feel so lost and really wish people would take better consideration of the consequences they could cause by even the most seemingly simple words and actions. I feel we are all adults and these wrongs should not have to be pointed out. I am incredibly hurt because Friend C and yet another friend loosely involved are both two of incredibly few close friends that I have left standing and I fear so much... losing more especially. This last part seems selfish, but really, this is what keeps me from knowing what I could do, I feel. I don't know who to ask about things and who should I trust over who. I hate that I feel forced to choose. I don't know how to even approach certain people- especially those I know the least... and am desperately tired of this tangled web that has sprouted from my years of involvement with the ministry I know every single one of these friends from.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Looking for love in a loveless world
Would anyone truly care if I were found with a dagger through my heart? I think not. When I become the bad person for reporting crimes... And it's a constant he said-she said, and even with the truth on my side, I never win. Only lose. Only hurt. Only discover I'm surrounded by self-serving idiots who take pleasure in my destruction, and always, it was someone who once called me friend and swore to defend me to the end.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Do I...
...really, truly believe I am scum, I am responsible for all those who have used me then turned things on me, etc? No. But I believe people think it. I believe people feel I am only as good as what I can be used for. If I can no longer be used, I get discarded. Dismissed. Sometimes I wonder that maybe they're right. But I know the truth, regardless of what people see, or think.
Am I absolutely innocent? None of us are- a fact very lost on a self-righteous people. Yes, I have pursued married men before. Or at least one married man. This was in a period of my life where I'd stopped caring. I've been through a few of those in my lifetime. I was edging back into another when I met Ray. I lost my virginity during one.
I am a bona fide sex addict, I will not deny that. And the users... Well, I am convinced they smell your weaknesses, without you ever breathing a word or approaching. And I was so trusting before that I would allow people to get close to me, somehow thinking they wouldn't hurt me, even though I'd get the warnings from within. You're supposed to be able to trust friends you've known for 10 years from a ministry. You're supposed to be able to trust the man you married to fulfill the promises he made. What is supposed to be, rarely is. Life has taught me this.
The church that is supposed to love turns millions away daily for their lack of this trait. The church that is not supposed to judge, does nothing but.
Thankfully, my acceptance at the church I've been attending these past 20 months, despite my faults being known, has helped me to believe there is some hope in this world. I feel only one has truly judged me... maybe two, as one of Ray's uncles attends and does not feel keen to accept me, regardless of his own past. Out of hundreds. Whereas in other churches, only 1 or 2 accepted me, out of hundreds. Even without knowing my failures. I feel that here, I have a chance to grow, to return to who I should be once again.
If only I'm allowed to stay here. It's been a crazy week. Long story short, I need to find a new place in a hurry because my landlord is being horribly discriminatory. And on top of that, I found out I am pregnant so I know people's opinions are only gonna get worse now. I didn't want a child to face this fate, and prayed that God alone would know. "Lord, I desperately desire a child. You know this, but why now? The timing looks so wrong. Nevertheless, I will let You who sees the whole picture decide what the best timing is." And He said yes, now. I'm scared, I'm excited. I don't know what to feel or where to turn. But know that regardless of man, regardless of my sins and failures, my God is still God, and He still holds me in the palm of His hand...
Am I absolutely innocent? None of us are- a fact very lost on a self-righteous people. Yes, I have pursued married men before. Or at least one married man. This was in a period of my life where I'd stopped caring. I've been through a few of those in my lifetime. I was edging back into another when I met Ray. I lost my virginity during one.
I am a bona fide sex addict, I will not deny that. And the users... Well, I am convinced they smell your weaknesses, without you ever breathing a word or approaching. And I was so trusting before that I would allow people to get close to me, somehow thinking they wouldn't hurt me, even though I'd get the warnings from within. You're supposed to be able to trust friends you've known for 10 years from a ministry. You're supposed to be able to trust the man you married to fulfill the promises he made. What is supposed to be, rarely is. Life has taught me this.
The church that is supposed to love turns millions away daily for their lack of this trait. The church that is not supposed to judge, does nothing but.
Thankfully, my acceptance at the church I've been attending these past 20 months, despite my faults being known, has helped me to believe there is some hope in this world. I feel only one has truly judged me... maybe two, as one of Ray's uncles attends and does not feel keen to accept me, regardless of his own past. Out of hundreds. Whereas in other churches, only 1 or 2 accepted me, out of hundreds. Even without knowing my failures. I feel that here, I have a chance to grow, to return to who I should be once again.
If only I'm allowed to stay here. It's been a crazy week. Long story short, I need to find a new place in a hurry because my landlord is being horribly discriminatory. And on top of that, I found out I am pregnant so I know people's opinions are only gonna get worse now. I didn't want a child to face this fate, and prayed that God alone would know. "Lord, I desperately desire a child. You know this, but why now? The timing looks so wrong. Nevertheless, I will let You who sees the whole picture decide what the best timing is." And He said yes, now. I'm scared, I'm excited. I don't know what to feel or where to turn. But know that regardless of man, regardless of my sins and failures, my God is still God, and He still holds me in the palm of His hand...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
No, I don't believe...
...people can believe I never asked for a lot of what I've been through. If only I had the strength to run... But I trust too much in the goodness of mankind, even when I haven't seen it and the hope seems my downfall. Guards get lowered... Justifications get made... Trouble might find me, but I don't always run when it does. And in that, I guess I become guilty, eventually...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I don't think it's fair
... that people are full of assumptions about my character. Have I always been pure? No. This does not mean, however, that if a married man took notice of me, that I pursued him. Unfortunately for me, I've always attracted jerks and married men. One such man attends my church.
The long story short was that I worked on a worship team with him. I was attracted to him, yes. He is an older man (I've always loved older men, dating one 18 1/2 & another over 30 years older), a musician (as a musician, I tend to fall for them!), and has a darling accent that reminded me of my first love. I shrugged it aside though, knowing he was a very happily married man. It did not help that hearing him rant and rave about the girl whose place I essentially took led me to believe he had a thing for her and I figured if he was gonna risk anything with his wife, it would be with this girl. With some stuff I know about them both, I wouldn't assume they have already done something, yet wouldn't be surprised either. I mean, if that is what people think of me, the same could readily be assumed about them...
He started following me. Everywhere. He'd have dinner with me at church, we'd rehearse, sing, he'd then join me at my table for the general message and split off only when he had to go to the men's meeting and I to the women's. Afterward, even when I tried to find other people to hang out with, he'd STILL follow me. It started to get to me. He brought his wife and son to my son's birthday party... to follow me around at the party, too. It finally got to be too much one day he came up to me and said that he had someone else leading the next week, but that I should still come or he would "attack" me. Mind you that when he said this he also dropped his voice and his eyes swept down my body. A chill swept through me. Fortunately at that moment, someone walked through the hall and I took that moment to make my escape. I think with how he had been acting, and by my experiences with other men, had that person not walked in as he said he would attack me, that he would have made some sort of move... Yet, I know I also have a witness. If only I could remember who that person was!!! I would quite like to prove it...
I know he knows what he did because when I caught him again in the hallway later, I told him (acting at least as if I were giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he should watch his words because they didn't sound right when heard by the wrong person. He agreed and continued following me. Finally, I told him I was considering leaving the group, in part because of the incident and he just silently nodded. He half maintained his distance after I came back, but I made it known when he started again, plain as day in an email just why I had quit. He made the claim at that point that nothing had ever transpired and that he hoped I felt "safe" in order to continue attending. I didn't speak to him when he followed me again the next week. He finally started leaving me alone. We eventually seemed to move past it all and become cordial again and I'd hoped I could rejoin the team. I am desperate to play music again, but his "reason" now is that everyone wants on the team, and he can't have too many people. Yet they keep adding people. I am the only bassist that attends this service, but he would rather have 3 guitarists, a drummer and a keyboardist and call in this other girl when they want a female singer (despite that she no longer attends this group). He's been ignoring me since I got together with Ray. He and his family started going to other services at church. And Sunday, I saw his wife for the first time in a long time, and while she spoke to me, she had the kind of "let's move quickly, I'm only saying hi to be polite but I secretly blame you and hate your guts" tone. This was after they decided to not go to my son's birthday party this year... by the way he made excuses for it, I figure she heard about the email and told him they couldn't go to the party.
I know, it seems like a lot of assumptions... But I know the stuff I say in recovery group doesn't stay in recovery, even though it's supposed to... I have a sixth sense about these kind of things... and I know that while the church in general accepts me, I know what most individual people think of me because of Ray. Or because I call people on their BS (ie: calling this guy on what he was doing or pressing charges against one of my rapists). And I know how to read women in general, and often know why they act the way they do.
Nobody wants to readily believe their man has flirted with someone else, cheated on them, etc. They are readily willing to blame the other person for his downfall. And nobody listens, cares or believes, but I'd like to go on record as saying, I DON'T PURSUE THEM! I DO attempt to deflect them. And it doesn't always work. Sometimes, I just end up with the short end of the stick. It's easy to blame the woman. Especially when she's not the purest. But even whores say no then get blamed for the rape. Men love to say "she asked for it." No is still no, whether part of her wants it or not...
The long story short was that I worked on a worship team with him. I was attracted to him, yes. He is an older man (I've always loved older men, dating one 18 1/2 & another over 30 years older), a musician (as a musician, I tend to fall for them!), and has a darling accent that reminded me of my first love. I shrugged it aside though, knowing he was a very happily married man. It did not help that hearing him rant and rave about the girl whose place I essentially took led me to believe he had a thing for her and I figured if he was gonna risk anything with his wife, it would be with this girl. With some stuff I know about them both, I wouldn't assume they have already done something, yet wouldn't be surprised either. I mean, if that is what people think of me, the same could readily be assumed about them...
He started following me. Everywhere. He'd have dinner with me at church, we'd rehearse, sing, he'd then join me at my table for the general message and split off only when he had to go to the men's meeting and I to the women's. Afterward, even when I tried to find other people to hang out with, he'd STILL follow me. It started to get to me. He brought his wife and son to my son's birthday party... to follow me around at the party, too. It finally got to be too much one day he came up to me and said that he had someone else leading the next week, but that I should still come or he would "attack" me. Mind you that when he said this he also dropped his voice and his eyes swept down my body. A chill swept through me. Fortunately at that moment, someone walked through the hall and I took that moment to make my escape. I think with how he had been acting, and by my experiences with other men, had that person not walked in as he said he would attack me, that he would have made some sort of move... Yet, I know I also have a witness. If only I could remember who that person was!!! I would quite like to prove it...
I know he knows what he did because when I caught him again in the hallway later, I told him (acting at least as if I were giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he should watch his words because they didn't sound right when heard by the wrong person. He agreed and continued following me. Finally, I told him I was considering leaving the group, in part because of the incident and he just silently nodded. He half maintained his distance after I came back, but I made it known when he started again, plain as day in an email just why I had quit. He made the claim at that point that nothing had ever transpired and that he hoped I felt "safe" in order to continue attending. I didn't speak to him when he followed me again the next week. He finally started leaving me alone. We eventually seemed to move past it all and become cordial again and I'd hoped I could rejoin the team. I am desperate to play music again, but his "reason" now is that everyone wants on the team, and he can't have too many people. Yet they keep adding people. I am the only bassist that attends this service, but he would rather have 3 guitarists, a drummer and a keyboardist and call in this other girl when they want a female singer (despite that she no longer attends this group). He's been ignoring me since I got together with Ray. He and his family started going to other services at church. And Sunday, I saw his wife for the first time in a long time, and while she spoke to me, she had the kind of "let's move quickly, I'm only saying hi to be polite but I secretly blame you and hate your guts" tone. This was after they decided to not go to my son's birthday party this year... by the way he made excuses for it, I figure she heard about the email and told him they couldn't go to the party.
I know, it seems like a lot of assumptions... But I know the stuff I say in recovery group doesn't stay in recovery, even though it's supposed to... I have a sixth sense about these kind of things... and I know that while the church in general accepts me, I know what most individual people think of me because of Ray. Or because I call people on their BS (ie: calling this guy on what he was doing or pressing charges against one of my rapists). And I know how to read women in general, and often know why they act the way they do.
Nobody wants to readily believe their man has flirted with someone else, cheated on them, etc. They are readily willing to blame the other person for his downfall. And nobody listens, cares or believes, but I'd like to go on record as saying, I DON'T PURSUE THEM! I DO attempt to deflect them. And it doesn't always work. Sometimes, I just end up with the short end of the stick. It's easy to blame the woman. Especially when she's not the purest. But even whores say no then get blamed for the rape. Men love to say "she asked for it." No is still no, whether part of her wants it or not...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Poem of Night
Daylight prompts the eyelids close
As heat puts on cheeks a summer rose
Wilted, I climb into bed
The blinding light annoying my head
What fool would wake in this which tires?
Darkness is my true desire
In the cool shall I live
To the light of the stars my heart give
It's not within me to hold direct gaze with the sun
Let it zap my energy and ruin my fun
No give me moonlight, reflections of love
For this is what my heart's made of
I love the sun- He's life to me
Of my affections be not deceived
But far too much kills, as in far too little we fall
In the night He's still lord of all
And gentler, kinder
Here I am free
To gaze in His light and still be
Shadowlands we dwell in
Not dark, rather shade
Until the time full brilliance
Can be to us displayed
Shadowvoice I am
A whisper in a temporal plane
Yet I still speak
I remain
If you listen past the pain you may see
There is much good still left in me
This one is incredibly difficult to explain the source of since it mostly kinda came, and like many of my ramblings, takes on very different sources, but I suppose I will try and explain some day. Kinda started out with how I would much rather sleep during the day and live through nights- it's always been this way for me... merged into thoughts of C.S. Lewis taking on an owl's perspective in one of his Narnian tales, where the owl thinks those who stumble around in the blinding light of day the fools and ended up somewhere in those thoughts of how dark I am said to be, yet how I believe I still walk in the light, merely a different side of it... If anyone has questions or ideas of how I can expand the explanation, let me know!
As heat puts on cheeks a summer rose
Wilted, I climb into bed
The blinding light annoying my head
What fool would wake in this which tires?
Darkness is my true desire
In the cool shall I live
To the light of the stars my heart give
It's not within me to hold direct gaze with the sun
Let it zap my energy and ruin my fun
No give me moonlight, reflections of love
For this is what my heart's made of
I love the sun- He's life to me
Of my affections be not deceived
But far too much kills, as in far too little we fall
In the night He's still lord of all
And gentler, kinder
Here I am free
To gaze in His light and still be
Shadowlands we dwell in
Not dark, rather shade
Until the time full brilliance
Can be to us displayed
Shadowvoice I am
A whisper in a temporal plane
Yet I still speak
I remain
If you listen past the pain you may see
There is much good still left in me
This one is incredibly difficult to explain the source of since it mostly kinda came, and like many of my ramblings, takes on very different sources, but I suppose I will try and explain some day. Kinda started out with how I would much rather sleep during the day and live through nights- it's always been this way for me... merged into thoughts of C.S. Lewis taking on an owl's perspective in one of his Narnian tales, where the owl thinks those who stumble around in the blinding light of day the fools and ended up somewhere in those thoughts of how dark I am said to be, yet how I believe I still walk in the light, merely a different side of it... If anyone has questions or ideas of how I can expand the explanation, let me know!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Frustration as I try to end the cycles
Sorry my blog isn't a neat little, wrapped up, easy-to-follow story. I've tried telling my life story in that manner time and time again, but it's incredibly difficult when stuff keeps happening... and when some memories I've repressed, and it takes either a trigger or intense concentration to even remember... and then remembering does other things...
I've been attempting to write my HA story out, but... well, it's much the same as essentially 14 of my 27 years are so wrapped up in Teen Mania experiences, from watching ATF TV and God using it to spare my life as a teenager, to the girl who keeps falling for friends from my many years in the ministry, only to have them use and abuse me.
*sigh* That's the major down-side to telling my story anywhere. And I keep trying... then running. Because the telling hurts, and whenever I start to find healing and make my life right again, two sets of people ultimately come along...
1)The people who "love" you, want to help you, rescue you, lead you, guide you, etc because they feel for you... they feel for you until they feel you up. The frustrating thing is I was able to be raped as many times as I have because of this. If I seem cold and callous some days, it's because I'm working so hard on being less trusting because I'm finding out a lot of people simply aren't worth my trust. 1st rape, long story short I felt I deserved. 2nd time this guy did this was a complicated thing, but I made sure the men in my life knew where I was coming from if they wanted to date me. Big mistake. I somehow believed Mark when he said he couldn't believe the guy would do that, how horrible blah blah and then he does it himself, in the most violent way of any of those who've attacked me, and this one was the most scarring. You'd think I'd learn after that, especially in all the other betrayals that followed, but I trusted a friend from the ministry because he looked good, pure and I thought I could because I know (or thought I knew) the teachings of the ministry until he was able to do the same. I retreated from the world then. I went from over 400 friends on Facebook to 24 people I felt I KNEW I could trust... people who didn't fall or seem like they could fall in category 1 or 2...
2)The people who do nothing more than preach at you in a condemning way or abandon you because they know you have issues. Unless you do things exactly as they think you should, they don't believe that you want to make things right and blame you for everything that goes wrong. I've been being harassed by one such man lately. I changed facebook profiles and blocked him on one only to have him follow me and begin harassing me again. I want to get a restraining order, but as this one guy is a former friend of Ray's, I find myself hesitating again.
Some days, I think I'm too nice. Same time, I don't believe in vengeance. I'm not sure I know the difference between that and defending/protecting myself.
Tons more I could vent about but I don't feel like looking for a connection, so perhaps another blog...
I've been attempting to write my HA story out, but... well, it's much the same as essentially 14 of my 27 years are so wrapped up in Teen Mania experiences, from watching ATF TV and God using it to spare my life as a teenager, to the girl who keeps falling for friends from my many years in the ministry, only to have them use and abuse me.
*sigh* That's the major down-side to telling my story anywhere. And I keep trying... then running. Because the telling hurts, and whenever I start to find healing and make my life right again, two sets of people ultimately come along...
1)The people who "love" you, want to help you, rescue you, lead you, guide you, etc because they feel for you... they feel for you until they feel you up. The frustrating thing is I was able to be raped as many times as I have because of this. If I seem cold and callous some days, it's because I'm working so hard on being less trusting because I'm finding out a lot of people simply aren't worth my trust. 1st rape, long story short I felt I deserved. 2nd time this guy did this was a complicated thing, but I made sure the men in my life knew where I was coming from if they wanted to date me. Big mistake. I somehow believed Mark when he said he couldn't believe the guy would do that, how horrible blah blah and then he does it himself, in the most violent way of any of those who've attacked me, and this one was the most scarring. You'd think I'd learn after that, especially in all the other betrayals that followed, but I trusted a friend from the ministry because he looked good, pure and I thought I could because I know (or thought I knew) the teachings of the ministry until he was able to do the same. I retreated from the world then. I went from over 400 friends on Facebook to 24 people I felt I KNEW I could trust... people who didn't fall or seem like they could fall in category 1 or 2...
2)The people who do nothing more than preach at you in a condemning way or abandon you because they know you have issues. Unless you do things exactly as they think you should, they don't believe that you want to make things right and blame you for everything that goes wrong. I've been being harassed by one such man lately. I changed facebook profiles and blocked him on one only to have him follow me and begin harassing me again. I want to get a restraining order, but as this one guy is a former friend of Ray's, I find myself hesitating again.
Some days, I think I'm too nice. Same time, I don't believe in vengeance. I'm not sure I know the difference between that and defending/protecting myself.
Tons more I could vent about but I don't feel like looking for a connection, so perhaps another blog...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Rant on Ranting, Truth and Communication
I really wonder where people get their ideas about me. As I said elsewhere, I understand how certain people who never had the chance to know the real me can think things about me. What I don't understand is how people who know me could ever believe the things they've heard... or tell the lies that they have. Not all is a lie, but is conveniently guarded to the whole truth... The best lies have enough of the truth in them to be believable...
Why can't things just be worked out? I mean, why do humans seem incapable of just telling each other (in a non-condescending/blaming way) when they have a problem with each other?
I guess my rants kinda seem the same- blaming, judging others... Often, my rants are simply me trying to work it all out- figure out where I went wrong, spout how it seems to me from my side of things, sort out and express my feelings all at once. I don't really know what else to do when stuff happens and I'm not even owed an explanation at least... I've tried to go before the people I have issues with- usually. Sometimes, I rant trying to figure out what I wanna try and say. Some people- like the one who raped me the most violently (there have been 3 so it can get confusing, I know)- I can't go to them at all and have to try and figure out how to resolve all that is within me on my own. What do you do when the people you love and once loved you don't even accept a hug or a hi and you're never even clear why? I often don't know where else to turn when there isn't proper communication between both sides... Writing is often the only therapy I am left with.
I can't change if I don't know where I'm wrong. But like I said, my frustration is that people can't be honest enough about what they think, so it's hard for me to pin-point where things went wrong... Of course, the flip-side is some are so busy sharing their side that they never take a moment to hear mine.
I think if we could see each others' side of things, the world would appear less hateful and hopeless. I think I'd be filled with less despair if I could see that everyone who hurt me didn't do it because they were just being hateful or because I'm the scum of the earth. For all I've done wrong, I know the latter isn't true. I know my own heart, but it can be easy to lose sight of that when all you ever hear is otherwise. I believe the former can't be true either. Hate might be a part of human nature, but I think in all honesty, a lot of it is simply miscommunication. I've had my share of fights with friends that when all was said and done, we end up crying in each other's arms, truly apologetic for all that was done wrong- for shouting more than listening, for hurting each other and being hurt over something entirely misconceived. Many times the truth still hurts, is still unfair, but suddenly we can understand and open up doors to forgiveness, find ways to help rather than hinder, etc. As I like to say: the truth doesn't have to be pretty, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be the truth.
I am a truthseeker. I always have been. And as an artist, and a writer... well, I often seek truth with rants. Sometimes it's longing for what I know to be true to be heard. It comes across as complaints, and sometimes it is- a way to let off steam to a world who doesn't really know me or who I rant about anyway. Those who claim to be hurt by me don't seem to realize I felt hurt by them too, and I'm tired of feeling unheard and misunderstood. Even my complaints often have a dual purpose though. I don't want to just complain. I have a heart to work things out... and for things to stop being so one-sided.
Sometimes, too, I just wanna put voice to my fears or pain, either because I'm hoping someone might be able to help me or maybe I will be able to help myself. We all know how hearing something out loud can change our perspective. Sometimes hearing it aloud helps me work through what might be rational... or not. Some days I'm able to see what I said and say "ok that was dumb."
Others, I like the poetry of the pain. I think it's beautiful, and I've had the honor of being told time and again by others that expressing something encouraged them- that they were not alone, that pain can be made into beauty, to move on when things are rough because I did- whatever, I've heard a lot. And so I keep writing, hoping to somehow help.
Maybe someone who knows we're having an issue, but wouldn't hear me in person might feel safer reading my heart on the matter. I keep hoping we could come to some sort of understanding and forgiveness... I keep wishing I could hear your side and at least understand why you hate me, if not work it out altogether.
Or maybe someone I don't even know can at least learn something from my pain that might somehow spare them their own. Maybe my bad decisions can keep someone else from making the same one.
Something's gotta give...
Maybe I hope for and care too much. I firmly believe in giving everyone a chance and a voice, not just my friends. It's those who abuse the chance I turn from. Even then, I don't want to, just feel I must. I cannot love others if I cannot love myself, and if someone who does not love me keeps me from loving me... well... what else is to be done, but at least wait until I am stronger, more capable of staying firmly rooted into the truth before facing a storm?
Why can't things just be worked out? I mean, why do humans seem incapable of just telling each other (in a non-condescending/blaming way) when they have a problem with each other?
I guess my rants kinda seem the same- blaming, judging others... Often, my rants are simply me trying to work it all out- figure out where I went wrong, spout how it seems to me from my side of things, sort out and express my feelings all at once. I don't really know what else to do when stuff happens and I'm not even owed an explanation at least... I've tried to go before the people I have issues with- usually. Sometimes, I rant trying to figure out what I wanna try and say. Some people- like the one who raped me the most violently (there have been 3 so it can get confusing, I know)- I can't go to them at all and have to try and figure out how to resolve all that is within me on my own. What do you do when the people you love and once loved you don't even accept a hug or a hi and you're never even clear why? I often don't know where else to turn when there isn't proper communication between both sides... Writing is often the only therapy I am left with.
I can't change if I don't know where I'm wrong. But like I said, my frustration is that people can't be honest enough about what they think, so it's hard for me to pin-point where things went wrong... Of course, the flip-side is some are so busy sharing their side that they never take a moment to hear mine.
I think if we could see each others' side of things, the world would appear less hateful and hopeless. I think I'd be filled with less despair if I could see that everyone who hurt me didn't do it because they were just being hateful or because I'm the scum of the earth. For all I've done wrong, I know the latter isn't true. I know my own heart, but it can be easy to lose sight of that when all you ever hear is otherwise. I believe the former can't be true either. Hate might be a part of human nature, but I think in all honesty, a lot of it is simply miscommunication. I've had my share of fights with friends that when all was said and done, we end up crying in each other's arms, truly apologetic for all that was done wrong- for shouting more than listening, for hurting each other and being hurt over something entirely misconceived. Many times the truth still hurts, is still unfair, but suddenly we can understand and open up doors to forgiveness, find ways to help rather than hinder, etc. As I like to say: the truth doesn't have to be pretty, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be the truth.
I am a truthseeker. I always have been. And as an artist, and a writer... well, I often seek truth with rants. Sometimes it's longing for what I know to be true to be heard. It comes across as complaints, and sometimes it is- a way to let off steam to a world who doesn't really know me or who I rant about anyway. Those who claim to be hurt by me don't seem to realize I felt hurt by them too, and I'm tired of feeling unheard and misunderstood. Even my complaints often have a dual purpose though. I don't want to just complain. I have a heart to work things out... and for things to stop being so one-sided.
Sometimes, too, I just wanna put voice to my fears or pain, either because I'm hoping someone might be able to help me or maybe I will be able to help myself. We all know how hearing something out loud can change our perspective. Sometimes hearing it aloud helps me work through what might be rational... or not. Some days I'm able to see what I said and say "ok that was dumb."
Others, I like the poetry of the pain. I think it's beautiful, and I've had the honor of being told time and again by others that expressing something encouraged them- that they were not alone, that pain can be made into beauty, to move on when things are rough because I did- whatever, I've heard a lot. And so I keep writing, hoping to somehow help.
Maybe someone who knows we're having an issue, but wouldn't hear me in person might feel safer reading my heart on the matter. I keep hoping we could come to some sort of understanding and forgiveness... I keep wishing I could hear your side and at least understand why you hate me, if not work it out altogether.
Or maybe someone I don't even know can at least learn something from my pain that might somehow spare them their own. Maybe my bad decisions can keep someone else from making the same one.
Something's gotta give...
Maybe I hope for and care too much. I firmly believe in giving everyone a chance and a voice, not just my friends. It's those who abuse the chance I turn from. Even then, I don't want to, just feel I must. I cannot love others if I cannot love myself, and if someone who does not love me keeps me from loving me... well... what else is to be done, but at least wait until I am stronger, more capable of staying firmly rooted into the truth before facing a storm?
loss...
I feel like something inside me has died and refuses to live again.
I have way too much love in my heart, make myself thoroughly vulnerable to people who tend to abuse my trust and hurt me where I'm most vulnerable. I grow weaker with every jab. And I grieve for a lifetime... And feel as if I'm 70 inside, just waiting for my time to finally come. Relief, peace... Parts of me grow stronger, where other parts of me grow weaker. I keep saying "enough is enough" to everyone who uses me, but unable to truly let anyone go, a part of me says, "don't go..."
And I only look the part of the liar. How can anyone believe I meant an "I love you" when I appear to move on so easily? It's easy for me to find someone else to give my heart to, but that hardly means I let the last person go. I don't know that I ever truly can. Love stores up, and with it, my grief. Is there a relief? I've said before that I long for death, but I don't. I just long to be the cold, callous person people think I am. I can put up a good front and appear hardened, but it is glass... You could look straight through me if you tried, and you can shatter my heart into a million tears if you would test the strength of my resolve.
I long for a freedom I don't think was ever meant for a lover/artist...
I have way too much love in my heart, make myself thoroughly vulnerable to people who tend to abuse my trust and hurt me where I'm most vulnerable. I grow weaker with every jab. And I grieve for a lifetime... And feel as if I'm 70 inside, just waiting for my time to finally come. Relief, peace... Parts of me grow stronger, where other parts of me grow weaker. I keep saying "enough is enough" to everyone who uses me, but unable to truly let anyone go, a part of me says, "don't go..."
And I only look the part of the liar. How can anyone believe I meant an "I love you" when I appear to move on so easily? It's easy for me to find someone else to give my heart to, but that hardly means I let the last person go. I don't know that I ever truly can. Love stores up, and with it, my grief. Is there a relief? I've said before that I long for death, but I don't. I just long to be the cold, callous person people think I am. I can put up a good front and appear hardened, but it is glass... You could look straight through me if you tried, and you can shatter my heart into a million tears if you would test the strength of my resolve.
I long for a freedom I don't think was ever meant for a lover/artist...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
It's hard to love yourself when others hate you
And I hate who I've become. I wasn't always this way...
Long story short, I lashed out at another friend in my grief. I'm trying not to talk about it a lot, because I know people are fed up with hearing about the hard parts in my life, same time, I really need to vent... I haven't yet met but one person who seems to understand, even though I've come to discover that a lot of people I know have been rape (or other sort of abuse) victims... Thankfully, at least my boyfriend and my best friend listen to me attempt to explain...
I mean really, how do you explain to someone that everything bad that happens in your life falls back in your mind to a horrific moment of rape? Even things you don't normally associate with it, finds a root in that moment. Every little hurt becomes compacted, one with the pain of that moment... Who knew 5 minutes could destroy you for a lifetime?
I get it. I get why no one wants to be my friend anymore. It's made me a monster. When every pain gets confused with that one, small hurts tantamount to full-force grief and anger becomes unleashed. Anger with myself that I let it happen. Anger with myself for loving him. Anger with myself for not going to the cops sooner because I wanted to be... nice. Anger at myself for always having let myself be the doormat that way, never standing up for myself until now. Anger for everyone that dropped me when I did. Anger that I did... whatever it was I did to prompt him to do this. Anger that so many so often think hurting someone like me like this is ok. So much anger. So much grief. The list is truly endless.
And all I want is to forget. Forget being made the fool. Forget what that betrayal feels like.
But someone always seems to bring it up by making me feel the fool for have chosen them as friends. I get that they can't understand or have any desire to deal with it, and so I forgive them for being human. But... well... they somehow get to get off scot-free and I don't. I don't ever get to be human- normal- again. Because I can't make what seems rational in my mind make sense to this outside world.
In my mind, it makes no sense that my best friend would make excuses for the man who raped me, try to talk me into being with him and make friends with him then hide that he told her he never loved me, but rather wanted to be with her and lets you fall flat on your back when you discover his pursuit of other women (add insult to the injury of rape and betrayal) another way. But she explains "he did it because he loved you" and you let it go though you know true love would never dream of hurting the one they love in such a way. You forgive when she says she just didn't want to tell you and let you get hurt more, and find closure when she chooses you over him, only to have her rip those wounds wide open again by dropping you like a hot potato when you needed her most, defriend you who she swore to always be there for and go back to being friends with the one who hurt you so much. She prefers the company of a man who cheats on her and friends who let him cheat on her with them to you simply because you asked her to stop play-flirting with the man you love. So he is an "ex"... he's barely an ex, and you're both still in love with each other. So what if it was play-flirting? Just hearing some of the nasty things said made you think of the one before who you'd lost to her, even if it wasn't her intent. Someone who you loved deeply then rapes you, then chooses her over you. Discarded like yesterday's trash. Is that really all I'm good for?
And so I hate myself because they obviously hated me. And I think I must be something thoroughly repulsive because that's just one story out of a million... To have so many treat me like garbage, I must be worthy of that title somehow, no? And I think I become more and more so since I react out of pain and anger a lot more now and often seem incapable of doing otherwise...
One story out of a million, but one fresh on my mind because of last night. Because I still love him. Stupidly, though I love others more, I miss what he and I once had. He was once my everything friend who listened like my best friend and boyfriend now do. I could always count on him... until that night. And last night, I got to relive it after attempting to make things right between he and I again, only to hear of how they both continue to hate me for... what? I said a hurtful thing or two, but the words don't cut as deep as their actions. I've had many a friend cut me down to size with their words- and even their actions. We all have reactions and stupidly react more than conscious act, but true friends, I have come to realize might react at first, then make a conscious decision to make it right again. Because friendship is worth more than our instincts. Our human instinct is to fight, to lash out, strike back in an effort to survive. But love is worth fighting for... As said in "She's out of my League", "if someone loves you, then you ARE a 10." You might be worthless, but somehow, love makes you worth it. And when someone's worth it, you will do everything to keep them. My best friends today, are those I have fought a million times with, but what has kept us alive is that we love each other so much that we fight a million and one times FOR that person. The fight for love goes a little beyond everything else. Sacrificially, we go beyond our human instincts, which seems impossible, beyond human strength, to find we have the strength after all, maybe not just in ourselves, but in our relationships with them.
And suddenly, I realize why I keep fighting for people who obviously don't want me... because I love them that much.
But I am still learning... there has to be a time to let them go, or their view of me will keep me questioning my worth. Will keep me from loving others.
I am a lover. And I fight for love...
But when love doesn't fight back, it can destroy you.
And I find myself hesitant to love so fully again.
A vicious circle... because love is vulnerable. It's giving someone the capability to hurt you, but trusting that they won't. But so many don't love back. Does that mean we stop loving? How do you guard yourself and keep from holding back- not punishing those who don't yet deserve it along with those that do- all at once? I'm struggling to find that balance as well as to fight when I seem to have no reason that I can find my reason. Or to become my own reason, but not be self-centered. To preserve me, and fight for friendship, but know when to let go... to recognize when the saying is true that I read online: "I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were." To see we all have worth, but that maybe, they weren't worth the pain they gave me... Which is it? I guess I will keep trying to figure it out...
Long story short, I lashed out at another friend in my grief. I'm trying not to talk about it a lot, because I know people are fed up with hearing about the hard parts in my life, same time, I really need to vent... I haven't yet met but one person who seems to understand, even though I've come to discover that a lot of people I know have been rape (or other sort of abuse) victims... Thankfully, at least my boyfriend and my best friend listen to me attempt to explain...
I mean really, how do you explain to someone that everything bad that happens in your life falls back in your mind to a horrific moment of rape? Even things you don't normally associate with it, finds a root in that moment. Every little hurt becomes compacted, one with the pain of that moment... Who knew 5 minutes could destroy you for a lifetime?
I get it. I get why no one wants to be my friend anymore. It's made me a monster. When every pain gets confused with that one, small hurts tantamount to full-force grief and anger becomes unleashed. Anger with myself that I let it happen. Anger with myself for loving him. Anger with myself for not going to the cops sooner because I wanted to be... nice. Anger at myself for always having let myself be the doormat that way, never standing up for myself until now. Anger for everyone that dropped me when I did. Anger that I did... whatever it was I did to prompt him to do this. Anger that so many so often think hurting someone like me like this is ok. So much anger. So much grief. The list is truly endless.
And all I want is to forget. Forget being made the fool. Forget what that betrayal feels like.
But someone always seems to bring it up by making me feel the fool for have chosen them as friends. I get that they can't understand or have any desire to deal with it, and so I forgive them for being human. But... well... they somehow get to get off scot-free and I don't. I don't ever get to be human- normal- again. Because I can't make what seems rational in my mind make sense to this outside world.
In my mind, it makes no sense that my best friend would make excuses for the man who raped me, try to talk me into being with him and make friends with him then hide that he told her he never loved me, but rather wanted to be with her and lets you fall flat on your back when you discover his pursuit of other women (add insult to the injury of rape and betrayal) another way. But she explains "he did it because he loved you" and you let it go though you know true love would never dream of hurting the one they love in such a way. You forgive when she says she just didn't want to tell you and let you get hurt more, and find closure when she chooses you over him, only to have her rip those wounds wide open again by dropping you like a hot potato when you needed her most, defriend you who she swore to always be there for and go back to being friends with the one who hurt you so much. She prefers the company of a man who cheats on her and friends who let him cheat on her with them to you simply because you asked her to stop play-flirting with the man you love. So he is an "ex"... he's barely an ex, and you're both still in love with each other. So what if it was play-flirting? Just hearing some of the nasty things said made you think of the one before who you'd lost to her, even if it wasn't her intent. Someone who you loved deeply then rapes you, then chooses her over you. Discarded like yesterday's trash. Is that really all I'm good for?
And so I hate myself because they obviously hated me. And I think I must be something thoroughly repulsive because that's just one story out of a million... To have so many treat me like garbage, I must be worthy of that title somehow, no? And I think I become more and more so since I react out of pain and anger a lot more now and often seem incapable of doing otherwise...
One story out of a million, but one fresh on my mind because of last night. Because I still love him. Stupidly, though I love others more, I miss what he and I once had. He was once my everything friend who listened like my best friend and boyfriend now do. I could always count on him... until that night. And last night, I got to relive it after attempting to make things right between he and I again, only to hear of how they both continue to hate me for... what? I said a hurtful thing or two, but the words don't cut as deep as their actions. I've had many a friend cut me down to size with their words- and even their actions. We all have reactions and stupidly react more than conscious act, but true friends, I have come to realize might react at first, then make a conscious decision to make it right again. Because friendship is worth more than our instincts. Our human instinct is to fight, to lash out, strike back in an effort to survive. But love is worth fighting for... As said in "She's out of my League", "if someone loves you, then you ARE a 10." You might be worthless, but somehow, love makes you worth it. And when someone's worth it, you will do everything to keep them. My best friends today, are those I have fought a million times with, but what has kept us alive is that we love each other so much that we fight a million and one times FOR that person. The fight for love goes a little beyond everything else. Sacrificially, we go beyond our human instincts, which seems impossible, beyond human strength, to find we have the strength after all, maybe not just in ourselves, but in our relationships with them.
And suddenly, I realize why I keep fighting for people who obviously don't want me... because I love them that much.
But I am still learning... there has to be a time to let them go, or their view of me will keep me questioning my worth. Will keep me from loving others.
I am a lover. And I fight for love...
But when love doesn't fight back, it can destroy you.
And I find myself hesitant to love so fully again.
A vicious circle... because love is vulnerable. It's giving someone the capability to hurt you, but trusting that they won't. But so many don't love back. Does that mean we stop loving? How do you guard yourself and keep from holding back- not punishing those who don't yet deserve it along with those that do- all at once? I'm struggling to find that balance as well as to fight when I seem to have no reason that I can find my reason. Or to become my own reason, but not be self-centered. To preserve me, and fight for friendship, but know when to let go... to recognize when the saying is true that I read online: "I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were." To see we all have worth, but that maybe, they weren't worth the pain they gave me... Which is it? I guess I will keep trying to figure it out...
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Coverage of Grace
So I was reading this blog where there was a picture of a “cell phone screen,” which basically modernized a scripture to talk of calling God in a place with “no coverage” I got to thinking...
Lord, in a place
Where this is no coverage of grace
You are the One which shelters me
Though so few can look past my sin
To the heart which lies within
You reach to that part of me
Deep cries to deep
My soul sings, my soul weeps
Humbly, I fall to Your feet
And You lift me up again
You say that I am your kin
And I've been made free
In this world where all have turned away
You do not push me away
Instead You run to me
Where none would forgive my sin
You cleansed me from deep within
And said Your grace was enough for me
I acknowledge my imperfection
You lead me toward the right direction
With every stumble, you grasp me
I gasp at the love You've shown
When left by those who better should have known
Your blood is enough
And You call me Your own
Justified...
More than as if I'd never sinned
But You gave to me eternity
Killed the fatted calf for one such as me
I feel so ashamed
But You raise my head
And tell me to never look down again
You see
You know
And someday
So will they
...
It isn't up to me to say when
It's their choice, their life or death
He purifies me to present me faultless
And the rest?
Is up to Him
They choose what they accept
And they choose when
Do not realize
What they could win
To see it sooner rather than too late
I walk past the gates
Journey into the unknown
Knowing that only He
Is in charge of my future
And the harm will not prevail
And those who do not see the debt as paid
Will simply miss out
On what they could have had today
other inspirations: story of the alabaster box.
story of the prodigal son.
this morning's sermon which touched on justification as more than forgiveness, but a gift on top of that. Much more than we deserve...
And Thursday night's Bible study which talked about the Holy Ghost as found in Galatians 5:16-26... Verse 21 in specific which says 'I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The short version as to how that relates is that “the kingdom of God” means more than Heaven in the after-life, but His kingdom on the earth as we've been called to bring it. Those who are caught up in sin and pettiness... well, they may not be damned to hell with no chance for salvation, but they sure as heck risk missing out on stuff they were supposed to get here because they were too caught up in what they weren't supposed to be... And we're ALL at risk for that one...
I must not be so caught up in the hopeless feeling humans have tried to condemn me to that I lose sight of the fact that His grace is sufficient. I do not wish to say to Him, "Lord, Your blood was not good enough." This is what we say when we've accepted His sacrifice, yet then say "I am not worthy." His aim is to make us so. Why do we keep standing in the way? Who are we to put a "Fail" stamp across any story He works to rewrite?
Lord, in a place
Where this is no coverage of grace
You are the One which shelters me
Though so few can look past my sin
To the heart which lies within
You reach to that part of me
Deep cries to deep
My soul sings, my soul weeps
Humbly, I fall to Your feet
And You lift me up again
You say that I am your kin
And I've been made free
In this world where all have turned away
You do not push me away
Instead You run to me
Where none would forgive my sin
You cleansed me from deep within
And said Your grace was enough for me
I acknowledge my imperfection
You lead me toward the right direction
With every stumble, you grasp me
I gasp at the love You've shown
When left by those who better should have known
Your blood is enough
And You call me Your own
Justified...
More than as if I'd never sinned
But You gave to me eternity
Killed the fatted calf for one such as me
I feel so ashamed
But You raise my head
And tell me to never look down again
You see
You know
And someday
So will they
...
It isn't up to me to say when
It's their choice, their life or death
He purifies me to present me faultless
And the rest?
Is up to Him
They choose what they accept
And they choose when
Do not realize
What they could win
To see it sooner rather than too late
I walk past the gates
Journey into the unknown
Knowing that only He
Is in charge of my future
And the harm will not prevail
And those who do not see the debt as paid
Will simply miss out
On what they could have had today
other inspirations: story of the alabaster box.
story of the prodigal son.
this morning's sermon which touched on justification as more than forgiveness, but a gift on top of that. Much more than we deserve...
And Thursday night's Bible study which talked about the Holy Ghost as found in Galatians 5:16-26... Verse 21 in specific which says 'I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The short version as to how that relates is that “the kingdom of God” means more than Heaven in the after-life, but His kingdom on the earth as we've been called to bring it. Those who are caught up in sin and pettiness... well, they may not be damned to hell with no chance for salvation, but they sure as heck risk missing out on stuff they were supposed to get here because they were too caught up in what they weren't supposed to be... And we're ALL at risk for that one...
I must not be so caught up in the hopeless feeling humans have tried to condemn me to that I lose sight of the fact that His grace is sufficient. I do not wish to say to Him, "Lord, Your blood was not good enough." This is what we say when we've accepted His sacrifice, yet then say "I am not worthy." His aim is to make us so. Why do we keep standing in the way? Who are we to put a "Fail" stamp across any story He works to rewrite?
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