Friday, August 27, 2010
Looking for love in a loveless world
Would anyone truly care if I were found with a dagger through my heart? I think not. When I become the bad person for reporting crimes... And it's a constant he said-she said, and even with the truth on my side, I never win. Only lose. Only hurt. Only discover I'm surrounded by self-serving idiots who take pleasure in my destruction, and always, it was someone who once called me friend and swore to defend me to the end.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Do I...
...really, truly believe I am scum, I am responsible for all those who have used me then turned things on me, etc? No. But I believe people think it. I believe people feel I am only as good as what I can be used for. If I can no longer be used, I get discarded. Dismissed. Sometimes I wonder that maybe they're right. But I know the truth, regardless of what people see, or think.
Am I absolutely innocent? None of us are- a fact very lost on a self-righteous people. Yes, I have pursued married men before. Or at least one married man. This was in a period of my life where I'd stopped caring. I've been through a few of those in my lifetime. I was edging back into another when I met Ray. I lost my virginity during one.
I am a bona fide sex addict, I will not deny that. And the users... Well, I am convinced they smell your weaknesses, without you ever breathing a word or approaching. And I was so trusting before that I would allow people to get close to me, somehow thinking they wouldn't hurt me, even though I'd get the warnings from within. You're supposed to be able to trust friends you've known for 10 years from a ministry. You're supposed to be able to trust the man you married to fulfill the promises he made. What is supposed to be, rarely is. Life has taught me this.
The church that is supposed to love turns millions away daily for their lack of this trait. The church that is not supposed to judge, does nothing but.
Thankfully, my acceptance at the church I've been attending these past 20 months, despite my faults being known, has helped me to believe there is some hope in this world. I feel only one has truly judged me... maybe two, as one of Ray's uncles attends and does not feel keen to accept me, regardless of his own past. Out of hundreds. Whereas in other churches, only 1 or 2 accepted me, out of hundreds. Even without knowing my failures. I feel that here, I have a chance to grow, to return to who I should be once again.
If only I'm allowed to stay here. It's been a crazy week. Long story short, I need to find a new place in a hurry because my landlord is being horribly discriminatory. And on top of that, I found out I am pregnant so I know people's opinions are only gonna get worse now. I didn't want a child to face this fate, and prayed that God alone would know. "Lord, I desperately desire a child. You know this, but why now? The timing looks so wrong. Nevertheless, I will let You who sees the whole picture decide what the best timing is." And He said yes, now. I'm scared, I'm excited. I don't know what to feel or where to turn. But know that regardless of man, regardless of my sins and failures, my God is still God, and He still holds me in the palm of His hand...
Am I absolutely innocent? None of us are- a fact very lost on a self-righteous people. Yes, I have pursued married men before. Or at least one married man. This was in a period of my life where I'd stopped caring. I've been through a few of those in my lifetime. I was edging back into another when I met Ray. I lost my virginity during one.
I am a bona fide sex addict, I will not deny that. And the users... Well, I am convinced they smell your weaknesses, without you ever breathing a word or approaching. And I was so trusting before that I would allow people to get close to me, somehow thinking they wouldn't hurt me, even though I'd get the warnings from within. You're supposed to be able to trust friends you've known for 10 years from a ministry. You're supposed to be able to trust the man you married to fulfill the promises he made. What is supposed to be, rarely is. Life has taught me this.
The church that is supposed to love turns millions away daily for their lack of this trait. The church that is not supposed to judge, does nothing but.
Thankfully, my acceptance at the church I've been attending these past 20 months, despite my faults being known, has helped me to believe there is some hope in this world. I feel only one has truly judged me... maybe two, as one of Ray's uncles attends and does not feel keen to accept me, regardless of his own past. Out of hundreds. Whereas in other churches, only 1 or 2 accepted me, out of hundreds. Even without knowing my failures. I feel that here, I have a chance to grow, to return to who I should be once again.
If only I'm allowed to stay here. It's been a crazy week. Long story short, I need to find a new place in a hurry because my landlord is being horribly discriminatory. And on top of that, I found out I am pregnant so I know people's opinions are only gonna get worse now. I didn't want a child to face this fate, and prayed that God alone would know. "Lord, I desperately desire a child. You know this, but why now? The timing looks so wrong. Nevertheless, I will let You who sees the whole picture decide what the best timing is." And He said yes, now. I'm scared, I'm excited. I don't know what to feel or where to turn. But know that regardless of man, regardless of my sins and failures, my God is still God, and He still holds me in the palm of His hand...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
No, I don't believe...
...people can believe I never asked for a lot of what I've been through. If only I had the strength to run... But I trust too much in the goodness of mankind, even when I haven't seen it and the hope seems my downfall. Guards get lowered... Justifications get made... Trouble might find me, but I don't always run when it does. And in that, I guess I become guilty, eventually...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I don't think it's fair
... that people are full of assumptions about my character. Have I always been pure? No. This does not mean, however, that if a married man took notice of me, that I pursued him. Unfortunately for me, I've always attracted jerks and married men. One such man attends my church.
The long story short was that I worked on a worship team with him. I was attracted to him, yes. He is an older man (I've always loved older men, dating one 18 1/2 & another over 30 years older), a musician (as a musician, I tend to fall for them!), and has a darling accent that reminded me of my first love. I shrugged it aside though, knowing he was a very happily married man. It did not help that hearing him rant and rave about the girl whose place I essentially took led me to believe he had a thing for her and I figured if he was gonna risk anything with his wife, it would be with this girl. With some stuff I know about them both, I wouldn't assume they have already done something, yet wouldn't be surprised either. I mean, if that is what people think of me, the same could readily be assumed about them...
He started following me. Everywhere. He'd have dinner with me at church, we'd rehearse, sing, he'd then join me at my table for the general message and split off only when he had to go to the men's meeting and I to the women's. Afterward, even when I tried to find other people to hang out with, he'd STILL follow me. It started to get to me. He brought his wife and son to my son's birthday party... to follow me around at the party, too. It finally got to be too much one day he came up to me and said that he had someone else leading the next week, but that I should still come or he would "attack" me. Mind you that when he said this he also dropped his voice and his eyes swept down my body. A chill swept through me. Fortunately at that moment, someone walked through the hall and I took that moment to make my escape. I think with how he had been acting, and by my experiences with other men, had that person not walked in as he said he would attack me, that he would have made some sort of move... Yet, I know I also have a witness. If only I could remember who that person was!!! I would quite like to prove it...
I know he knows what he did because when I caught him again in the hallway later, I told him (acting at least as if I were giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he should watch his words because they didn't sound right when heard by the wrong person. He agreed and continued following me. Finally, I told him I was considering leaving the group, in part because of the incident and he just silently nodded. He half maintained his distance after I came back, but I made it known when he started again, plain as day in an email just why I had quit. He made the claim at that point that nothing had ever transpired and that he hoped I felt "safe" in order to continue attending. I didn't speak to him when he followed me again the next week. He finally started leaving me alone. We eventually seemed to move past it all and become cordial again and I'd hoped I could rejoin the team. I am desperate to play music again, but his "reason" now is that everyone wants on the team, and he can't have too many people. Yet they keep adding people. I am the only bassist that attends this service, but he would rather have 3 guitarists, a drummer and a keyboardist and call in this other girl when they want a female singer (despite that she no longer attends this group). He's been ignoring me since I got together with Ray. He and his family started going to other services at church. And Sunday, I saw his wife for the first time in a long time, and while she spoke to me, she had the kind of "let's move quickly, I'm only saying hi to be polite but I secretly blame you and hate your guts" tone. This was after they decided to not go to my son's birthday party this year... by the way he made excuses for it, I figure she heard about the email and told him they couldn't go to the party.
I know, it seems like a lot of assumptions... But I know the stuff I say in recovery group doesn't stay in recovery, even though it's supposed to... I have a sixth sense about these kind of things... and I know that while the church in general accepts me, I know what most individual people think of me because of Ray. Or because I call people on their BS (ie: calling this guy on what he was doing or pressing charges against one of my rapists). And I know how to read women in general, and often know why they act the way they do.
Nobody wants to readily believe their man has flirted with someone else, cheated on them, etc. They are readily willing to blame the other person for his downfall. And nobody listens, cares or believes, but I'd like to go on record as saying, I DON'T PURSUE THEM! I DO attempt to deflect them. And it doesn't always work. Sometimes, I just end up with the short end of the stick. It's easy to blame the woman. Especially when she's not the purest. But even whores say no then get blamed for the rape. Men love to say "she asked for it." No is still no, whether part of her wants it or not...
The long story short was that I worked on a worship team with him. I was attracted to him, yes. He is an older man (I've always loved older men, dating one 18 1/2 & another over 30 years older), a musician (as a musician, I tend to fall for them!), and has a darling accent that reminded me of my first love. I shrugged it aside though, knowing he was a very happily married man. It did not help that hearing him rant and rave about the girl whose place I essentially took led me to believe he had a thing for her and I figured if he was gonna risk anything with his wife, it would be with this girl. With some stuff I know about them both, I wouldn't assume they have already done something, yet wouldn't be surprised either. I mean, if that is what people think of me, the same could readily be assumed about them...
He started following me. Everywhere. He'd have dinner with me at church, we'd rehearse, sing, he'd then join me at my table for the general message and split off only when he had to go to the men's meeting and I to the women's. Afterward, even when I tried to find other people to hang out with, he'd STILL follow me. It started to get to me. He brought his wife and son to my son's birthday party... to follow me around at the party, too. It finally got to be too much one day he came up to me and said that he had someone else leading the next week, but that I should still come or he would "attack" me. Mind you that when he said this he also dropped his voice and his eyes swept down my body. A chill swept through me. Fortunately at that moment, someone walked through the hall and I took that moment to make my escape. I think with how he had been acting, and by my experiences with other men, had that person not walked in as he said he would attack me, that he would have made some sort of move... Yet, I know I also have a witness. If only I could remember who that person was!!! I would quite like to prove it...
I know he knows what he did because when I caught him again in the hallway later, I told him (acting at least as if I were giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he should watch his words because they didn't sound right when heard by the wrong person. He agreed and continued following me. Finally, I told him I was considering leaving the group, in part because of the incident and he just silently nodded. He half maintained his distance after I came back, but I made it known when he started again, plain as day in an email just why I had quit. He made the claim at that point that nothing had ever transpired and that he hoped I felt "safe" in order to continue attending. I didn't speak to him when he followed me again the next week. He finally started leaving me alone. We eventually seemed to move past it all and become cordial again and I'd hoped I could rejoin the team. I am desperate to play music again, but his "reason" now is that everyone wants on the team, and he can't have too many people. Yet they keep adding people. I am the only bassist that attends this service, but he would rather have 3 guitarists, a drummer and a keyboardist and call in this other girl when they want a female singer (despite that she no longer attends this group). He's been ignoring me since I got together with Ray. He and his family started going to other services at church. And Sunday, I saw his wife for the first time in a long time, and while she spoke to me, she had the kind of "let's move quickly, I'm only saying hi to be polite but I secretly blame you and hate your guts" tone. This was after they decided to not go to my son's birthday party this year... by the way he made excuses for it, I figure she heard about the email and told him they couldn't go to the party.
I know, it seems like a lot of assumptions... But I know the stuff I say in recovery group doesn't stay in recovery, even though it's supposed to... I have a sixth sense about these kind of things... and I know that while the church in general accepts me, I know what most individual people think of me because of Ray. Or because I call people on their BS (ie: calling this guy on what he was doing or pressing charges against one of my rapists). And I know how to read women in general, and often know why they act the way they do.
Nobody wants to readily believe their man has flirted with someone else, cheated on them, etc. They are readily willing to blame the other person for his downfall. And nobody listens, cares or believes, but I'd like to go on record as saying, I DON'T PURSUE THEM! I DO attempt to deflect them. And it doesn't always work. Sometimes, I just end up with the short end of the stick. It's easy to blame the woman. Especially when she's not the purest. But even whores say no then get blamed for the rape. Men love to say "she asked for it." No is still no, whether part of her wants it or not...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Poem of Night
Daylight prompts the eyelids close
As heat puts on cheeks a summer rose
Wilted, I climb into bed
The blinding light annoying my head
What fool would wake in this which tires?
Darkness is my true desire
In the cool shall I live
To the light of the stars my heart give
It's not within me to hold direct gaze with the sun
Let it zap my energy and ruin my fun
No give me moonlight, reflections of love
For this is what my heart's made of
I love the sun- He's life to me
Of my affections be not deceived
But far too much kills, as in far too little we fall
In the night He's still lord of all
And gentler, kinder
Here I am free
To gaze in His light and still be
Shadowlands we dwell in
Not dark, rather shade
Until the time full brilliance
Can be to us displayed
Shadowvoice I am
A whisper in a temporal plane
Yet I still speak
I remain
If you listen past the pain you may see
There is much good still left in me
This one is incredibly difficult to explain the source of since it mostly kinda came, and like many of my ramblings, takes on very different sources, but I suppose I will try and explain some day. Kinda started out with how I would much rather sleep during the day and live through nights- it's always been this way for me... merged into thoughts of C.S. Lewis taking on an owl's perspective in one of his Narnian tales, where the owl thinks those who stumble around in the blinding light of day the fools and ended up somewhere in those thoughts of how dark I am said to be, yet how I believe I still walk in the light, merely a different side of it... If anyone has questions or ideas of how I can expand the explanation, let me know!
As heat puts on cheeks a summer rose
Wilted, I climb into bed
The blinding light annoying my head
What fool would wake in this which tires?
Darkness is my true desire
In the cool shall I live
To the light of the stars my heart give
It's not within me to hold direct gaze with the sun
Let it zap my energy and ruin my fun
No give me moonlight, reflections of love
For this is what my heart's made of
I love the sun- He's life to me
Of my affections be not deceived
But far too much kills, as in far too little we fall
In the night He's still lord of all
And gentler, kinder
Here I am free
To gaze in His light and still be
Shadowlands we dwell in
Not dark, rather shade
Until the time full brilliance
Can be to us displayed
Shadowvoice I am
A whisper in a temporal plane
Yet I still speak
I remain
If you listen past the pain you may see
There is much good still left in me
This one is incredibly difficult to explain the source of since it mostly kinda came, and like many of my ramblings, takes on very different sources, but I suppose I will try and explain some day. Kinda started out with how I would much rather sleep during the day and live through nights- it's always been this way for me... merged into thoughts of C.S. Lewis taking on an owl's perspective in one of his Narnian tales, where the owl thinks those who stumble around in the blinding light of day the fools and ended up somewhere in those thoughts of how dark I am said to be, yet how I believe I still walk in the light, merely a different side of it... If anyone has questions or ideas of how I can expand the explanation, let me know!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Frustration as I try to end the cycles
Sorry my blog isn't a neat little, wrapped up, easy-to-follow story. I've tried telling my life story in that manner time and time again, but it's incredibly difficult when stuff keeps happening... and when some memories I've repressed, and it takes either a trigger or intense concentration to even remember... and then remembering does other things...
I've been attempting to write my HA story out, but... well, it's much the same as essentially 14 of my 27 years are so wrapped up in Teen Mania experiences, from watching ATF TV and God using it to spare my life as a teenager, to the girl who keeps falling for friends from my many years in the ministry, only to have them use and abuse me.
*sigh* That's the major down-side to telling my story anywhere. And I keep trying... then running. Because the telling hurts, and whenever I start to find healing and make my life right again, two sets of people ultimately come along...
1)The people who "love" you, want to help you, rescue you, lead you, guide you, etc because they feel for you... they feel for you until they feel you up. The frustrating thing is I was able to be raped as many times as I have because of this. If I seem cold and callous some days, it's because I'm working so hard on being less trusting because I'm finding out a lot of people simply aren't worth my trust. 1st rape, long story short I felt I deserved. 2nd time this guy did this was a complicated thing, but I made sure the men in my life knew where I was coming from if they wanted to date me. Big mistake. I somehow believed Mark when he said he couldn't believe the guy would do that, how horrible blah blah and then he does it himself, in the most violent way of any of those who've attacked me, and this one was the most scarring. You'd think I'd learn after that, especially in all the other betrayals that followed, but I trusted a friend from the ministry because he looked good, pure and I thought I could because I know (or thought I knew) the teachings of the ministry until he was able to do the same. I retreated from the world then. I went from over 400 friends on Facebook to 24 people I felt I KNEW I could trust... people who didn't fall or seem like they could fall in category 1 or 2...
2)The people who do nothing more than preach at you in a condemning way or abandon you because they know you have issues. Unless you do things exactly as they think you should, they don't believe that you want to make things right and blame you for everything that goes wrong. I've been being harassed by one such man lately. I changed facebook profiles and blocked him on one only to have him follow me and begin harassing me again. I want to get a restraining order, but as this one guy is a former friend of Ray's, I find myself hesitating again.
Some days, I think I'm too nice. Same time, I don't believe in vengeance. I'm not sure I know the difference between that and defending/protecting myself.
Tons more I could vent about but I don't feel like looking for a connection, so perhaps another blog...
I've been attempting to write my HA story out, but... well, it's much the same as essentially 14 of my 27 years are so wrapped up in Teen Mania experiences, from watching ATF TV and God using it to spare my life as a teenager, to the girl who keeps falling for friends from my many years in the ministry, only to have them use and abuse me.
*sigh* That's the major down-side to telling my story anywhere. And I keep trying... then running. Because the telling hurts, and whenever I start to find healing and make my life right again, two sets of people ultimately come along...
1)The people who "love" you, want to help you, rescue you, lead you, guide you, etc because they feel for you... they feel for you until they feel you up. The frustrating thing is I was able to be raped as many times as I have because of this. If I seem cold and callous some days, it's because I'm working so hard on being less trusting because I'm finding out a lot of people simply aren't worth my trust. 1st rape, long story short I felt I deserved. 2nd time this guy did this was a complicated thing, but I made sure the men in my life knew where I was coming from if they wanted to date me. Big mistake. I somehow believed Mark when he said he couldn't believe the guy would do that, how horrible blah blah and then he does it himself, in the most violent way of any of those who've attacked me, and this one was the most scarring. You'd think I'd learn after that, especially in all the other betrayals that followed, but I trusted a friend from the ministry because he looked good, pure and I thought I could because I know (or thought I knew) the teachings of the ministry until he was able to do the same. I retreated from the world then. I went from over 400 friends on Facebook to 24 people I felt I KNEW I could trust... people who didn't fall or seem like they could fall in category 1 or 2...
2)The people who do nothing more than preach at you in a condemning way or abandon you because they know you have issues. Unless you do things exactly as they think you should, they don't believe that you want to make things right and blame you for everything that goes wrong. I've been being harassed by one such man lately. I changed facebook profiles and blocked him on one only to have him follow me and begin harassing me again. I want to get a restraining order, but as this one guy is a former friend of Ray's, I find myself hesitating again.
Some days, I think I'm too nice. Same time, I don't believe in vengeance. I'm not sure I know the difference between that and defending/protecting myself.
Tons more I could vent about but I don't feel like looking for a connection, so perhaps another blog...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Rant on Ranting, Truth and Communication
I really wonder where people get their ideas about me. As I said elsewhere, I understand how certain people who never had the chance to know the real me can think things about me. What I don't understand is how people who know me could ever believe the things they've heard... or tell the lies that they have. Not all is a lie, but is conveniently guarded to the whole truth... The best lies have enough of the truth in them to be believable...
Why can't things just be worked out? I mean, why do humans seem incapable of just telling each other (in a non-condescending/blaming way) when they have a problem with each other?
I guess my rants kinda seem the same- blaming, judging others... Often, my rants are simply me trying to work it all out- figure out where I went wrong, spout how it seems to me from my side of things, sort out and express my feelings all at once. I don't really know what else to do when stuff happens and I'm not even owed an explanation at least... I've tried to go before the people I have issues with- usually. Sometimes, I rant trying to figure out what I wanna try and say. Some people- like the one who raped me the most violently (there have been 3 so it can get confusing, I know)- I can't go to them at all and have to try and figure out how to resolve all that is within me on my own. What do you do when the people you love and once loved you don't even accept a hug or a hi and you're never even clear why? I often don't know where else to turn when there isn't proper communication between both sides... Writing is often the only therapy I am left with.
I can't change if I don't know where I'm wrong. But like I said, my frustration is that people can't be honest enough about what they think, so it's hard for me to pin-point where things went wrong... Of course, the flip-side is some are so busy sharing their side that they never take a moment to hear mine.
I think if we could see each others' side of things, the world would appear less hateful and hopeless. I think I'd be filled with less despair if I could see that everyone who hurt me didn't do it because they were just being hateful or because I'm the scum of the earth. For all I've done wrong, I know the latter isn't true. I know my own heart, but it can be easy to lose sight of that when all you ever hear is otherwise. I believe the former can't be true either. Hate might be a part of human nature, but I think in all honesty, a lot of it is simply miscommunication. I've had my share of fights with friends that when all was said and done, we end up crying in each other's arms, truly apologetic for all that was done wrong- for shouting more than listening, for hurting each other and being hurt over something entirely misconceived. Many times the truth still hurts, is still unfair, but suddenly we can understand and open up doors to forgiveness, find ways to help rather than hinder, etc. As I like to say: the truth doesn't have to be pretty, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be the truth.
I am a truthseeker. I always have been. And as an artist, and a writer... well, I often seek truth with rants. Sometimes it's longing for what I know to be true to be heard. It comes across as complaints, and sometimes it is- a way to let off steam to a world who doesn't really know me or who I rant about anyway. Those who claim to be hurt by me don't seem to realize I felt hurt by them too, and I'm tired of feeling unheard and misunderstood. Even my complaints often have a dual purpose though. I don't want to just complain. I have a heart to work things out... and for things to stop being so one-sided.
Sometimes, too, I just wanna put voice to my fears or pain, either because I'm hoping someone might be able to help me or maybe I will be able to help myself. We all know how hearing something out loud can change our perspective. Sometimes hearing it aloud helps me work through what might be rational... or not. Some days I'm able to see what I said and say "ok that was dumb."
Others, I like the poetry of the pain. I think it's beautiful, and I've had the honor of being told time and again by others that expressing something encouraged them- that they were not alone, that pain can be made into beauty, to move on when things are rough because I did- whatever, I've heard a lot. And so I keep writing, hoping to somehow help.
Maybe someone who knows we're having an issue, but wouldn't hear me in person might feel safer reading my heart on the matter. I keep hoping we could come to some sort of understanding and forgiveness... I keep wishing I could hear your side and at least understand why you hate me, if not work it out altogether.
Or maybe someone I don't even know can at least learn something from my pain that might somehow spare them their own. Maybe my bad decisions can keep someone else from making the same one.
Something's gotta give...
Maybe I hope for and care too much. I firmly believe in giving everyone a chance and a voice, not just my friends. It's those who abuse the chance I turn from. Even then, I don't want to, just feel I must. I cannot love others if I cannot love myself, and if someone who does not love me keeps me from loving me... well... what else is to be done, but at least wait until I am stronger, more capable of staying firmly rooted into the truth before facing a storm?
Why can't things just be worked out? I mean, why do humans seem incapable of just telling each other (in a non-condescending/blaming way) when they have a problem with each other?
I guess my rants kinda seem the same- blaming, judging others... Often, my rants are simply me trying to work it all out- figure out where I went wrong, spout how it seems to me from my side of things, sort out and express my feelings all at once. I don't really know what else to do when stuff happens and I'm not even owed an explanation at least... I've tried to go before the people I have issues with- usually. Sometimes, I rant trying to figure out what I wanna try and say. Some people- like the one who raped me the most violently (there have been 3 so it can get confusing, I know)- I can't go to them at all and have to try and figure out how to resolve all that is within me on my own. What do you do when the people you love and once loved you don't even accept a hug or a hi and you're never even clear why? I often don't know where else to turn when there isn't proper communication between both sides... Writing is often the only therapy I am left with.
I can't change if I don't know where I'm wrong. But like I said, my frustration is that people can't be honest enough about what they think, so it's hard for me to pin-point where things went wrong... Of course, the flip-side is some are so busy sharing their side that they never take a moment to hear mine.
I think if we could see each others' side of things, the world would appear less hateful and hopeless. I think I'd be filled with less despair if I could see that everyone who hurt me didn't do it because they were just being hateful or because I'm the scum of the earth. For all I've done wrong, I know the latter isn't true. I know my own heart, but it can be easy to lose sight of that when all you ever hear is otherwise. I believe the former can't be true either. Hate might be a part of human nature, but I think in all honesty, a lot of it is simply miscommunication. I've had my share of fights with friends that when all was said and done, we end up crying in each other's arms, truly apologetic for all that was done wrong- for shouting more than listening, for hurting each other and being hurt over something entirely misconceived. Many times the truth still hurts, is still unfair, but suddenly we can understand and open up doors to forgiveness, find ways to help rather than hinder, etc. As I like to say: the truth doesn't have to be pretty, it doesn't have to be romantic, it just has to be the truth.
I am a truthseeker. I always have been. And as an artist, and a writer... well, I often seek truth with rants. Sometimes it's longing for what I know to be true to be heard. It comes across as complaints, and sometimes it is- a way to let off steam to a world who doesn't really know me or who I rant about anyway. Those who claim to be hurt by me don't seem to realize I felt hurt by them too, and I'm tired of feeling unheard and misunderstood. Even my complaints often have a dual purpose though. I don't want to just complain. I have a heart to work things out... and for things to stop being so one-sided.
Sometimes, too, I just wanna put voice to my fears or pain, either because I'm hoping someone might be able to help me or maybe I will be able to help myself. We all know how hearing something out loud can change our perspective. Sometimes hearing it aloud helps me work through what might be rational... or not. Some days I'm able to see what I said and say "ok that was dumb."
Others, I like the poetry of the pain. I think it's beautiful, and I've had the honor of being told time and again by others that expressing something encouraged them- that they were not alone, that pain can be made into beauty, to move on when things are rough because I did- whatever, I've heard a lot. And so I keep writing, hoping to somehow help.
Maybe someone who knows we're having an issue, but wouldn't hear me in person might feel safer reading my heart on the matter. I keep hoping we could come to some sort of understanding and forgiveness... I keep wishing I could hear your side and at least understand why you hate me, if not work it out altogether.
Or maybe someone I don't even know can at least learn something from my pain that might somehow spare them their own. Maybe my bad decisions can keep someone else from making the same one.
Something's gotta give...
Maybe I hope for and care too much. I firmly believe in giving everyone a chance and a voice, not just my friends. It's those who abuse the chance I turn from. Even then, I don't want to, just feel I must. I cannot love others if I cannot love myself, and if someone who does not love me keeps me from loving me... well... what else is to be done, but at least wait until I am stronger, more capable of staying firmly rooted into the truth before facing a storm?
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