The Coverage of Grace

So I was reading this blog where there was a picture of a “cell phone screen,” which basically modernized a scripture to talk of calling God in a place with “no coverage” I got to thinking...



Lord, in a place
Where this is no coverage of grace
You are the One which shelters me

Though so few can look past my sin
To the heart which lies within
You reach to that part of me

Deep cries to deep
My soul sings, my soul weeps
Humbly, I fall to Your feet

And You lift me up again
You say that I am your kin
And I've been made free

In this world where all have turned away
You do not push me away
Instead You run to me

Where none would forgive my sin
You cleansed me from deep within
And said Your grace was enough for me

I acknowledge my imperfection
You lead me toward the right direction
With every stumble, you grasp me

I gasp at the love You've shown
When left by those who better should have known
Your blood is enough
And You call me Your own

Justified...
More than as if I'd never sinned
But You gave to me eternity
Killed the fatted calf for one such as me

I feel so ashamed
But You raise my head
And tell me to never look down again

You see
You know
And someday
So will they
...
It isn't up to me to say when
It's their choice, their life or death
He purifies me to present me faultless
And the rest?
Is up to Him

They choose what they accept
And they choose when
Do not realize
What they could win
To see it sooner rather than too late

I walk past the gates
Journey into the unknown
Knowing that only He
Is in charge of my future
And the harm will not prevail

And those who do not see the debt as paid
Will simply miss out
On what they could have had today




other inspirations: story of the alabaster box.
story of the prodigal son.
this morning's sermon which touched on justification as more than forgiveness, but a gift on top of that. Much more than we deserve...

And Thursday night's Bible study which talked about the Holy Ghost as found in Galatians 5:16-26... Verse 21 in specific which says 'I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The short version as to how that relates is that “the kingdom of God” means more than Heaven in the after-life, but His kingdom on the earth as we've been called to bring it. Those who are caught up in sin and pettiness... well, they may not be damned to hell with no chance for salvation, but they sure as heck risk missing out on stuff they were supposed to get here because they were too caught up in what they weren't supposed to be... And we're ALL at risk for that one...

I must not be so caught up in the hopeless feeling humans have tried to condemn me to that I lose sight of the fact that His grace is sufficient. I do not wish to say to Him, "Lord, Your blood was not good enough." This is what we say when we've accepted His sacrifice, yet then say "I am not worthy." His aim is to make us so. Why do we keep standing in the way? Who are we to put a "Fail" stamp across any story He works to rewrite?

someday I'll leave this topic for a while...

but for now I can't stop thinking about how badly things could go. I never did before because we'd always been so amicable. I never saw myself being hated, though I suspected all along that my in-laws hated me.
I don't even know what was said, how, when or why to change anything. Only that at Christmas, there was a gift, but my birthday Colin had to force a phone call out of his dad. Then graduation, cold as ice after a horrid phone call between my mother and Colin's. To have them say one thing and act another.
Only one understands how badly it hurts me because he's seen every tear. Night after night for weeks now. Losing my boys. Everything reminding me of them. Being hated is the worst, especially when you wonder why. They are supposed to be my family, one even swore they would still be whether I kept the name or not. They all knew we were having problems, before my own parents even knew.
Everyone has known for years we weren't working out. But apparently, the moment I decide to move on, I am the enemy. It doesn't matter how long and hard I've fought to keep people from badmouthing my husband and treating him differently. If there is no other honor due him, he is the father of my children and a human being. I would like to think I am worth the same. If nothing else, I gave birth to, and have raised almost single-handedly those boys which you cherished.
By God, if you knew it all, would you still hate me? Would you see only my mistakes or remember that you don't know the whole story? You don't know much of anything. We were too good at keeping up pretenses so now, who would believe me? Why should you assume anything other than "she is a witch"?
I am not the villain people make me out to be. Just human, imperfect. Hurting and searching, but I would never do anything to put anyone in danger or intentionally cause anyone harm... And those who took the time to know the real me, know that. Your son knows that, whatever he may say in hurt or anger over both our failures. I wish someone had given you a chance... I wish I really had been given a chance.
But why should I expect anything after 7 years of hoping and waiting only to discover it's true... There isn't one set of white parents out there that likes me. If you'd met me before Colin proposed, you probably wouldn't have approved then either. I don't fit the mold anyone thinks I should, and it's always been white girls approved for the white boy. Why? I don't know, but I lost my share of potentials that way.
And it doesn't matter what game I play. People prefer lies, but I refuse to speak anything but truth anymore. I can be the total good girl and the total bad one- and yes, I have done both in my lifetime. The temptation has been to say "if my life must be full of hurt either way, give me the path of sin so I can at least have some fun," but I've chosen to attempt the straight and narrow.
Don't see it now. You won't, and I can't force you. Simply, may God have mercy on your soul when the truth becomes known for I know where I stand. And I may be human and make mistakes, but I am no cold-hearted, lost soul. I simply... am.

and yet...

I'd suffer 10 lifetimes over to have my sons.

Why?

That's all I wanna know. I wanna know what was so wrong with me that so many could hurt me so much and be OK with it. What did I do to deserve this life? And don't recount my recent sins to me. No one pays penance BEFORE the sin. I know a lot of the crap I've done was a bad reaction to the crap done to me. I'm just trying to start new. To reclaim any part of me that might be left. I'm trying to do it right, but they all make it so difficult. I don't know what to do to get people to see that I'm not the enemy. I never intended to start a war, but I've been attacked. So now what? Do I attack back? Do I just stand here and take every bullet as if I deserved it? Do I let people continue to kill me or do I somehow arise? I'm not sure if I know how to arise again anymore, but I keep fighting. I know you won't read, but PLEASE, acknowledge that you don't know the whole story. TRY to understand, I may not be the villain he has painted me out to be...

forgive my whining

But I fear I have nowhere else to vent. I've tried to be good in the way that I don't speak ill of him where mutual friends are. I've taken the blame for it all before the world and he has let me. Even those who hate him, love him, see me as the evil one and beg that we stay together, but who sees all the pain I go through? Who can tell me that THIS is what God would have me endure! I scream and cry so badly, even now that he is gone that I vomit! The pain in my heart is horrendous! Only matched by the pain caused by the one who raped me. Betrayal is the worst pain that ever was, and I feel as though I have been betrayed by the world. I laugh as I read all these articles that say marriage is no bed of roses, but we have to stick with it anyway. If anyone could step back and take a good, long look at my life and my heart... Could they truly say it applies to even me? If this be the grace and love of Christ, I want nothing to do with Him! Fortunately for all of you, I know my God better than that or I would have fallen from Him so long ago! From molestation as a child to abuse from my peers for worshiping God when this was not the "cool" thing to do, to having my leaders at a ministry tell me "you are worthless, and I will do everything in my power to see you get kicked out of here" to having other leaders in that ministry 1) separate me from one of my best friends just because he was a guy or 2) forcing me to break up with my boyfriend as he proposed to me (long story), to being sexually abused at 17 once while abroad with this same ministry, once while I was in Dallas with them... to the hell of a marriage for 7 years that even now continues, to being raped 4 times by 3 different men in 11 months time, suffering through clergy sexual abuse... being told by my husband to kill myself then hearing my mother-in-law thinks I am an unfit mother because I vent about the pain every once and again... I have withstood much. So much! Way too much, and yet I live! I very rarely lash out to hurt back those who hurt me, though admittedly I HAVE done it before. It takes A LOT to break me, push me to that point! I'm on the verge of it yet again which is why I have to let it out before I can't take anymore. The pain has been building... I cling to images in my mind, the few times people have stood up for ME, the times "I love you" has given me the will to keep fighting, Ray's fist hitting the wall every time our first week together he heard a new story. I want no one to exact my justice for me, at least not in a way that would go against any laws, but I do wish justice could come, and my only reprieve is that finally, someone cares enough about me to be hurt and angry for me, and hold me when I can no longer hold myself. Until recently, no one has really cared about me and now... I have enough. I hurt and so I vent, but with their wind beneath my wings, I will make it!

Why do I keep crying?

It's not so much a self pity thing. There is a missing my kid thing... I don't know. On one hand there's a good riddance thing, on the other- well, he always was a friend I was just... tired of being forgotten I guess. Used. So much that went so wrong... Superchick has this song that says "The hardest part was getting this close to you/And giving up this dream I built with you/A fairy tale that isn't coming true...." Maybe it's just having it all seem to... final. Even though I knew it was over ages ago, I'm finally feeling the ultimate brokenness of it.
I'm so ready for all the pain I've endured to stop. How can a person be so happy and so... hurt all at once? Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me... I don't wanna be with him, but him being gone I just... *sigh* I don't know anymore.

So many mixed emotions today...

Just put my kids on a plane with him, and I have this bad feeling that he's gonna try and fight me to keep them though he says he won't. I think the biggest reason being he just screwed me outta $200+ which I need for rent very, very soon. That and he cringed when I said the government, if I understood correctly was pegging him for child support- at about $100 a month! This after what he's done for them in the past 2 months was pay for part of Rhythm's party and buy some diapers. I don't know where his checks went, except to his misspent funds on a car he ended up letting get towed. I don't understand why he wants them when he won't take care of them when he has them. So worried they won't be taken care of in the next month while they're supposed to be with him... after all, he is moving and has no money and no job as he moves... just his parents to mooch off of... Forgive me... The tears roll down my cheek as I sit at a foreign Starbucks waiting for my phone to charge so I can head home... Perhaps I should stick with saying nothing when there is nothing but anger or heartache etched upon my soul...