Hated

Do you have any idea what it feels like to be hated for being a victim?

By now, everyone knows I had an affair while I was married. Several in fact. But that's all anyone hears. The "A" word always becomes the defining characteristic for a person the instant that it is heard. No one ever takes a second look at the Hester Prynnes of the world anymore than most will give a second look to a murderer or a rapist. Somehow we automatically get put on the "unforgivable" list, though Biblically it is said that all sins are on the same level and only one is truly unforgivable. That last fact gets nodded at and amen'd throughout Christianity, but actions prove it is not truly believed.

At this time, I do not need to say what happened prior to things going that far, but suffice it to say I was in a world of hurt from which there seemed to be no release, and feeling unwanted, I began talking divorce with Colin. The second I did, however, people rushed at me with the same "it's taboo" attitude of what would come, condemning me, shaming me for my pain. Instead of looking to help me find healing, everyone shoved me into a corner where I cried silently until all tears were gone and I blocked out all emotion for fear of being torn apart. I was like that for a couple of years before I met a man I will call Damon.

Meeting Damon is a complicated story in itself, which I have already dramatized in a piece of fiction for a class. The way he seduced me from my emotional shell is a beautiful tale all its own, but one whose horrific ending I have never told before now. As far as everyone knows. I willingly succumbed to him fully. I did melt as he was the first person in years to give any sort of attention to me and my pain. He wasn't a Christian, so his approach to me had nothing to do with what I should do, and how I shouldn't hurt, his reaction was merely "you are worth someone listening to." The bitter end of that, however, was an affair that began because he insisted I owed something to him... In the simplest terms: he raped me. That was February 2008.

In March, I confessed to Colin out of guilt I had been convinced of, but a month after that, I discovered that he had a huge secret all his own that he had been keeping since at least November. The devastation of that betrayal led in short to more affairs, this time, willing. It wasn't until I was raped in such a violent manner that it is a miracle I survived that I began studying up on the effects and definition of rape to realize almost every experience with a guy up to a certain point was a direct emotional response of rape. I often felt that I was living outside of myself and making decisions that were not my own, and there were many instances I could not even remember. Granted, there was at least one who could claim he had no idea that I was mentally incapacitated at the time- same time, I insist he had to know as I had also been drinking to forget that very night.

I am not excusing myself away. I did make decisions of my own during this time- not every instance was rape or coercion, however, this is why I am such a huge advocate for hearing people out, not judging, loving first and all those sorts of things. It took me finally finding truly good-intentioned people for me to climb out of myself enough that I could end the cycle that had begun and let the healing begin. It is still a huge struggle because even this doesn't tell half of what I went through or how others have reacted. I cannot however help but be frustrated at those who treat me according to my sin when they could not treat me according to my hurt, which could have helped keep me from falling as far as I did for it continues even today. I hope and pray that I am stronger now that even the damage they attempt to exact will not find fruition against me.

Easy A Featurette Official (HD)

Cheesy film, I know, but I don't know that anyone will ever quite get what it meant to me in many different ways. Sure, my own indiscretions weren't all lie, but they certainly were blown out of proportion by some, and I've had the feeling my entire life... plus, I just love the parents and think they are really cool- real, funny... *sigh* I could write a blog about it, but why? At least here and now...

Love and Judgment?

Was recently asked if I think I've followed my beliefs- have I exuded the love I deem most important? Due to my nature (& the nature of the asker), it was difficult to answer positively, though I believe I have. Mistakes should not define us with no regard to our heart & the actions following.

But what do you say when being asked by one who will (likely) forever only see your mistakes, and look at you through a veil of hurt, anger, & judgment- opposite traits to their own beliefs should they really dig inside themselves to see that, without becoming accusing & battering them with a truth they are not equipped to hear? I see full well what I have done, and choose to move forward from this moment on. But, even if they have tried to play Holy Ghost/conscience in my life and beat me up with what I have done wrong, I will not do the same. It's not my place. Nor is it as meaningful a lesson learned when you do not learn it first hand.

Doing my best not to focus on how they hurt me, exacting their own revenge, yet talking themselves out of realizing that by calling it the "natural consequences" of my decisions... I've said it before and I will say it again, they cease to be natural the moment you set your hand to it. They also had the choice to react and continue to make (IMO) the wrong one, justifying themselves... I hope and I pray...

...And wonder silently to myself if my musings aloud are a form of gossip even without the detail? *sigh*... I am learning and trying like the rest of you...

Against Lies (esp. to children under the guise of "sparing them')

"The accelerated velocity of terminological inexactitude" (one of “Easy A”'s Facebook quotes of the day) fits well with my some of my thoughts today (and translates to "the speed of a rumor or lie", btw). I have been amazed at how certain things said about me spread. I do not maintain full innocence, nor full guilt, but few know everything...

Enter, again, my favorite band, TSO. “Still it's been rumored this thing must be/Why is then that you act surprised... And now you claim you are not prepared...See it rising/stare and wonder/Hear it beckon/You to dance/Feel it hold you/Take you under/I'm your god of second chance”- Mephistopheles


Yes, I know this song is really about something else entirely, yet deals with the "do we forget & erase it/pretend it never was or take the good with the bad?" question our families are currently facing... I am frustrated with hearing one person say that because of the heartache of this world, it would be better that the children had not existed (at least, this is how it sounded). No, the world is far from easy, and I wish I could take back the negative effects of mistakes I have made, but I refuse to adopt the idea that any of my children are a mistake- for me, this includes ALL of the kids: the boys from my marriage to Colin, the girls from Ray's marriage to Janet, and Coda, who will receive the brunt of it all for being the “bastard son of a peasant” if you will (“Ever After”).

I more than anyone understand the desire to save my children from the heartache of the world, and erase all the bad that happened in my past, and I don't want them growing up thinking I was ever right for how I entered into my current relationship, but having a "why?" child as obsessed with the truth as I makes everything so much easier... my decision to give my children the truth, at least. And the truth is, I want to spare them, yet I refuse to shelter them to the degree I was sheltered as a child because I now see there was more harm than good, keeping them from reality. This does not spare them heartache, but in the end creates more.

I do not wish to lie to them and send the wrong message of the world just because stuff isn't convenient any more than I want them to think I never make mistakes and neither will they... I want them to understand the devastation mistakes bring, but not leave them wallowing in hopelessness either. Life is messy and painful BUT life can be beautiful, and grace is the greatest lesson they can ever learn. Forgiveness and love are what I wish for them to come away with in the end. "After the rain, we can look to the sky again." New life AFTER the pain means a million times more than a life without pain. I am experiencing a 2nd chance I had once given up on, and no, it didn't happen the greatest way, but I see what it's being made into, and what it could yet be, and really wish I could shout the possibilities to the world and have them understand this marvelous feeling of grace.

But we are all in different places yet. I have had years of heartache to bring me to this point and I do not envy others the journey they must take if they want to come to this point as well, and I DO regret that I unwittingly played a part in exacting the pain upon them. This is part of which is untrue- that I had intention of causing pain, and do not care for anyone now. I made mistakes. I can't take them back, but I also refuse to wallow in misery and find everything broken beyond all repair. I know that we will all come out stronger in the end if we offer all this pain up to the real God of second chances & to the realization that lies and masks will not take us there, though they seem to make it all temporarily better. Love and Truth are the only things that will change us if we let them (and to me, God is both... He is “not tame, but He is good.”)

Personalities & Mediators; My Thoughts on Today

AKA: "Yes, I Will Be Nice and Remove the Barrage of Status Updates, Turning Them Instead Into an Insanely Long Blog"



Ok, I'm honest, but that doesn't mean I'm never reserved either. It's difficult to say some of the things in my heart, no matter how passionate I feel about them when I encounter people of certain personalities. Especially when all I wanna do is cry... Usually, it's just confrontational, but right now, I'm thinking also other personalities in general. I have many passions and beliefs I wish to get across, but will avoid them and attach to the things we have in common to promote peace, and avoid confrontation & tears.

I am learning all this, the more that I deal with people of other personality types, rather than avoid them altogether... For instance, today meant sitting down with Ray's ex so that we could get to know one another as it is now obvious, we are meant to be a permanent part of each other's lives. For her, she needs to know that she can trust me to be around/care for her children. For me, I'm wishing to apologize and explain- if nothing else, how much I want to be a part of their lives, not from guilt (though there certainly is that; I am not heartless) but because I'm thoroughly enamored with them.

This is something that is not easily understood. I do not “know” them, how could I love them? How does a mother love the child she has never seen, before she even feels the first kick within the womb? For me, it was much the same as that, and much as I felt a kinship with Ray from the very beginning, much as I completely gravitate toward people with certain personalities and make them my instant families/best friends, etc. If this is not enough, they are girls- which I have always longed to give birth to girls of my own (a journey of which can be better understood through my “Mom of Men” blog). They are his, a part of him, and I love him. Their personalities, much like Ray's mirrors mine, echoes the personalities of my own children. I would think that all of this combined could offer an explanation to those which would require it.

In any case feel I failed in making these points, only because they weren't really brought up. Between her questions and her personality, I felt it best to put them aside for the time being rather than scream, “I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTERS, PLEEEEASE LET ME SPEND TIME WITH THEM!” This does not mean my heart stops screaming it. And I am respecting her decisions as their mother, though I do not agree with what is thought to be best in all instances, and my heart breaks at half the words. I also know that if I said all I wished to, I would end up collapsing in a heap of tears, with the flood of emotions that constantly assaults me, particularly on this matter. I merely sat, latching onto and expounding those things which we have in common, answered what I could, and attempted to explain some things Ray has lamented to me his inability to communicate as well as his personality, of which I share much. It became obvious in the course of all this that much of what I watched them blame each other for stemmed from these personality conflicts. It is insanely difficult, in my experience, to not make assumptions so that hearts be known, and lives lived peacefully, yet not impossible.

I got to thinking about this again later in the evening, when my parents were to meet me with the boys at a walk-through nativity. Long story short, they got so lost, they couldn't even tell me where they were so that I could have an idea how to direct them. I expressed the desire to attach a tracking device to their vehicle that I could find them, and realized, the concept kinda works toward the personality issue as well. I feel there needs to be some sort of mediator between personalities that can successfully interpret both and help steer them toward each other.

As for my own personality, which Ray shares, I daresay not even many of the professionals seem capable of assessing us. The more we talked, the more I saw this, and realized it wasn't just me! This also helps me to see that I am not what is perceived, which I already know, yet tend to lose sight of when around the more aggressive, authoratative or self-sufficient types such as my mother, my last boss, or this woman. Everyone thinks they know each other, us especially because we rarely stand up to say otherwise. I am not typically this vocal in a general audience or when addressing these various personality types, which makes me grateful for blogs where I don't have to directly address any specific type and can thus simply be myself, throw caution to the wind and edit as I speak all at once, with no chance to be caught off guard. Granted, the latter part does not happen when social networking because twitter especially becomes more my venting/thinking ground and the thoughts are rarely fully developed and often highly emotional, causing me to appear irrational and ignorant. The silence-as-a-defense-mechanism/peacekeeper-approach also lends to these misconceptions.

I come across as ignorant, fearful, slothful, negative.
The other personalities tend to come off as judgmental, pushy & -strangely- also negative.
The negatives differ, yet both are based on being realistic. Realism often leads to a depressed attitude and talking through the emotions to find a positive side with myself. I always come around, but as the process repeats with every new situation, I appear constantly depressed, particularly when the emotion or silence are the only things expressed. The other is an almost careless "well, what's broken is broken and nothing can fix it" mentality that I don't fully understand. They are looking for solutions, but when they don't find the one they are looking for, they often appear to give up hope and give into the reality as a finality.

I know that neither perception is entirely true. Partly? Certainly, yet the whole story remains untold in the conflict. Assumptions are made. Lives are broken in ways that can be avoided with a little, uncomfortable effort. But who wants to get out of their comfort zone?

All I can offer up for now is this: silence does not equal intimidation or disinterest, but rather a peacekeeper attitude when addressing a more aggressive personality. I can mostly understand others, but rarely make myself understood, the biggest flaw of this personality. As an honest person though, ask, and I shall reveal the answer if the answer is mine to give. And as an artist... well, I'm trying to understand, but must admit, I hold too much hope to be as negative as I know I can appear.

As I used to always say: I am the Master's pieces, broken, but beautiful. In His hands, I know that I can become a masterpiece, whatever else it may be that I have been.

I'm looking for the stained-glass window that my dreamer side insists is a possibility. The vase that was may be broken, but as an artist, I see that this does not need to be the end of all beauty. I wish to know life as it is, but also for it's possibilities. Something was lost, yes, but WE CHOOSE to toss everything away... or be made new. Which is where my heartbreak and our disagreements came in. I will not say what words were exchanged, for that is between us, yet I feel that she has not seen much light at the end of this tunnel I unwittingly shoved her and the girls into, yet she far from lacks determination to move on. We are simply in different places in the process and approaching it from different angles. Having to learn to be patient in this time and stay away when asked are my punishment, though I feel it adds more unfairness to the innocents involved in the situation rather than spares them more heartache. Bearing it silently, and hoping & praying for the stained-glass of these new heartaches to be forged in time are all that I can do.

I also leave you with this challenge, born a bit from the classic cliché you are certain to recognize within: When life hands you lemons, do you merely juggle the lemons or flavor your life that you may savor what remains rather than focus on what does not? The choice is yours.

My Reason For Living

Why do they take from me my only reason for living? Every breath I breathe, every moment I put myself through this torture is so that I can spend those few, precious moments with them, and yet they take those from me. I have no other reason to exist but them. Every man has failed me, every "friend" that accepted me when I was stupid fell away when I stopped acting like them, leaving me very much alone. For my boys, and the girls I've seen only twice yet love with all my heart, for my child yet unborn, I would give my everything. But I don't get to do that. I have to pay penance constructed by mere mortals with no shred of God, of love, within them. I am not who I once was, yet for those I wish would accept me now and accept that I am being made new, all that will ever be seen is my old. And for those who I wished could still be there, though we are no longer the same, I am no one if I am not who they wish I could be. And they all have the power to take my only joys from me. Tonight, it is difficult to see a point to continuing.

Whoever was wrong...

I really gotta say, it looks bad for all of them from my angle...

Friend A APPEARS to have distributed unfounded information. Makes me question other accusations and research I have received from this person.

Friend B... well... it was a little public before facts and could use an apology, at least unless further proof can be made. Makes me wonder if I could be next.

Friend C is now covering his butt all over the internet, which makes his statements to me sound... well, like a cover-up to a friend. Makes me feel lied to. I already know some of his dirtiest little secrets, so I know what he's capable of.

Friend D... well, if there really WAS a hack attack against Friend C (I'm not sure who to believe so I don't know)... let's just say he has the know-how and believes Friend A and Friend B so wholeheartedly that I would think he would do it out of courtesy, not ill will or intent to do something illegal, which is still pretty bad I guess. Makes me feel I no longer know who he is.

I don't say this to accuse anyone of anything that APPEARS to be going on (Friend B, regardless of where she got her information cannot deny that she did what she did as proof, last I checked, still existed in full public view. Doubt she cares anyway. Who cares about anyone or anything going against their own personal agenda?). I merely say this because I am frustrated and confused still. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm trying to give them all the benefit of the doubt, but my heart isn't sure how much of this it can take. Why everything feels so personal, I don't think I will ever understand. Things certainly never felt this way before last year (at least not all the time!), and recently it feels that every bit of progress I had made in this area has disappeared. I'm trying oh so hard. But there is no trust left in me. I give more chances, but I think I'm always secretly waiting to be let down again. I hand my heart over just to cringe as I do.
I sob behind closed doors and vent less than I used to (though many think I vent more, when really I vent more about the things that matter less to my heart because I'm tired of these feelings which only get dismissed). I mean who wants to hear about me crying for my lost husband? I'm supposedly the reason he is gone, so I asked for it. Who wants to hear about me feeling betrayed? It's all my fault for internalizing everything. I'm broken. And there is no one who can fix me. I'm broken, and I don't feel anyone thinks I'm worth fixing, and sometimes... I'm not sure I am either. I can't even trust myself. I fear the breaking point coming in which I will tell every dirty little secret I know. I will lose the world if I do. I wouldn't do it because I'm any better, but sometimes I wanna remind my friends of their own humanity and how it has hurt me. I don't wanna become that person. Oh dear God in Heaven, save me!